halfway to decent, i got lost on the way to normal

Why do I only feel halfway decent about myself when I'm starving?

Is there a switch, somewhere in the dark, cobwebby corners of my psychotic brain, that I can flip?  Flip back to this mythical "Normal" that people speak of and tell me I should be?

Maybe I've gained enough weight to be almost "Normal," but I don't feel "Normal."

I will never be "Normal" and I've accepted that.

And so, I will starve.

hell

Hell.


They whisper about it, at night, in the dark.  "What do you think Hell is?"
"Oh, I don't know."


I know.  Look in my eyes and see the demons and maybe hear the echo of the scream and you'll know that I know.


I know what Hell is.


Look in my eyes and you'll see it.


Hell.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas girls!!

A little bit early :)  I simply ADORE this season.  Also, I probably won't be back to blogger except sporadically until after New Year's...

Let's see...  I've been SUPER busy and life's been INSANE, but mostly pretty good.  I STILL don't know what I weigh =/  It's really, really difficult to stay motivated without a scale, and I know for a fact that I'm getting much fatter...  the gap between my (faaaaaaat) thighs has shrunk x_x  Kill me now?  However, all my clothes and jeans are still pretty loose so hopefully the damage isn't TOO horrific, and after New Year's I'll really crack down again.  This week has been good, food-wise.  I'm super-motivated to be good until Christmas so I can let myself go a little...  Anyway.  Rant over.  Gotta get back to homework :P

Oh, and in my absence I seem to have acquired some new followers :o  35 people who care what I say?  I'm shocked and honored, thank you all!  If I'm not following you already, just comment and I'll try to :)

Have a wonderful, wonderful, amazing Christmas/holiday/winter-break/whatever, stay strong, think thin, but let yourself have a great time without too many regrets...

I love you all.

Love, Posie

PS:  Replies:

VictoriaCrimson, thank you so much for your dedicated commenting <3  I love you, and your blog, and you're doing so well!  Sorry I've been too busy to comment much :(

Believe&&Lose:  Thank you lovely :)  Stay strong too!  You're beautiful no matter what, remember that.

Isobel:  Girl, I love you so, so much.  Like, it's ridiculous how attached I am to this person I don't even know who lives an ocean away, but I love you.  Keep me updated, ok?  I miss you.  <3

EVERYONE:  LOVE LOVE LOVE

You are all beautiful.  So beautiful.  Someday, you will see it like I do <3

haitus

I'm sorry girls.

I just need to get my head back in order, decide what I'm doing with my life, and finish these last 2 weeks of school before winter break - so much homework it's ridiculous.

I love you all; I'll keep reading/commenting when I can, but probably little to no posting.

Think thin <3

Posie

too-long thursdays

So.  busy.

So much schoolwork, so much stress, argh.

Intake:  462
Output:  57

Total:  405 calories

TGI-almost-Friday...

wasted wednesdays

Oh my heavens, so much schoolwork.  Guuhhhh.

I should have worked out more >.<

Intake:  ~758 calories (ughhhh, people need to stop FORCING food on me.  I'll eat when I'm damn ready, thanks.)
Output:  ~345 calories

Total:  ~413 calories

Off to do more physics.  Bleh.

terrific tuesdays

Less terrific than Monday, but hey, not all days can be that good.

Not much to report, life-wise...  Lots of schoolwork, but I'm doing really well so I'm pleased.

Input:  ~419 calories
Output:  ~242 calories

Today:  ~177 calories

Got all those ~ symbols because I estimated portion size on some delish multigrain bread I ate...  I made sure to way overestimate so I'm thinking my total was closer to 100 calories, but still, under 200!  And the family's happy, and I'm (reasonably) happy that intake, so...  yep.

19 days til Christmas!

magical monday cont.

Today:  ~245 calories

Input:  606 calories
hard boiled egg white (17)
apple (13)
bite of a latke (31)
salad (20)
chicken nuggets (225)
couscous (300)

Output: ~360 calories
Tae Bo
biking
calisthenics
abs

So my Monday was great overall.  The output shoulda been higher, but I'm exhausted, so I can roll with it. The input shoulda been lower, but I have a new strategy:  Just go with the flow.

Someone (read: my parents and friends) forces food on me, whatever.  I eat it (obviously some exceptions apply here) and try not to hate myself too much.  Exercise and restrict when possible, if not, be happy anyway!  Because really, as long as I'm happy with myself and no one else is worrying about me, what else can you ask for?  I'm working towards a happy balance of skeletal and healthy, haha :P

You might ask what brought about my attitude change...  I think it was my father, begging, literally begging me to try, for him, to be ok.

So Dad, this is for you.  I'm gonna try for happiness.

Also the Christmas spirit.  I LOVE this season (even if I hate the cold) - only 20 days!  Yay!

Love you all to the moon and back,
Posie

magical mondays

I'm honestly having an amazing day.  I don't know why, I'm just over the moon today!

Upward mood swings ftw :D  Hope you girls are all great <3

Will post intake/output later today - yesterday I had two separate people tell me I look "healthier" and "less skeletal" now.

Nothing like a kick in the butt to get you motivated, huh?  Skeletal, here I come :]

oh, hipsters

I just had to share this with you girls...

Today in school I was sitting with my best friend, the one that I've mentioned.  During a pause in our conversation, we overheard two hipster girls sitting behind us...

GIRL1:  ...wait, how do bulimics make themselves throw up?
GIRL2:  *mimes sticking her finger down her throat*
GIRL1:  EWWWWW eating disorders are so gross!  Anorexics and bulimics are like...  ew.
GIRL2:  I know man...  it's our society that's so fucked up.  The media and shit, changing girls' views...
GIRL1:  *nods*


BFF and I:  *look at each other and burst out laughing*
BFF:  Is it just me, or did that whole scene belong in a bad high school teen angst movie?

Best laugh we've had together in ages :)

Oh, hipsters.  Always trying to be ironic and crap, never realizing how much they actually are.

Another positive:  negative calories 3/4 days so far this week, w00t.  So good to finally be back in control.  Hope y'all are well.

limbo

I'll be back.

I'll be back when I can give you good news, bad news, any news.  I'm stuck in limbo.

But I'll be back.

If you want things to be different, perhaps the answer is to become different yourself.

- Norman Vincent Peale

gonna be mia - and by mia i mean missing in action, sadly

Family will be arriving sooner than expected, so things here are gonna get HECTIC and INSANE any minute now haha :/

I'll be back eventually.

My plan for this long weekend (which starts TOMORROW, FRICK) is just go with the flow.

Whatever happens, happens.

I'm gonna gain WAY too much weight, it's inevitable with my family and holidays.  Hopefully I can enjoy myself and have some fun and see family.  

However, at the moment I'm (hopefully over) estimating myself to be around 85-88 pounds, judging purely on how my clothes fit (haven't gotten any tighter since Mom took the scales) and how I look (the gap between my thighs is the same) - if I can act like a pig like everyone else normal through this weekend, maybe *crosses fingers* I can get Mom to give me the scale back.  And by the end of this hellish weekend, I'll hate myself SO much that I can go back to starving and losing full time with a vengeance.  And if I can weigh and see how much I gained and how much of a total fatass I've become, it'll be even better.

Dear God, I wish I could purge.  My ability seems to be friggin gone.

How sick and twisted is my mind?  I hate it in here.

To all you Americans - good luck with Thanksgiving.  My heart and soul are with ya.

To you non-Americans - lucky bastards.  Enjoy getting skinny while I get fat.

Sigh.

Missing you all already,
Posie

failure monday

a;lskdjafdls;rlkjdfal;ksdjfasdlfa;kdsf

I hate Mondays, and I hate being forced to eat.

I just want to curl up in a ball and cry for awhile and then sleep and not move or eat and gaaaahhhh :(

I NEED TO KNOW HOW MUCH I FREAKING WEIGH.  I'm going insane, dying, crying, aughhhhhhhhhhhh.

I hate Mondays.  Today was bad.

Today:  ~715 calories - wtf.  wtf.  wtf.

Input:  ~905 - what.  the.  hell.
hard boiled egg white (17)
apple (37)
skinless chicken leg (~180)
green beans (25)
cous cous (645???  WTF?  WHAT IS IN THAT CRAP AND WHY DID MOM MAKE ME EAT IT!?  RAGEEEEEEEEEE >.< D: *sob*)

Output:  ~185
running
abs
[+ whatever I have time to do later, hopefully leg lifts and more abs]

I hate Mondays.

Have I mentioned I don't like Mondays?

busy weekends

So.  freaking.  busy.  Still owing an update, life is just INSANE.

I actually kind of hate weekends now, because I'm at home and watched and forced to eat NORMALLY and even more than normally for three meals a day because I'm supposed to be GAINING weight.  Ah, no.  Help x_x

And Mom is so strict about letting me out of the house cause she knows I probably won't eat.  And when I did go out yesterday, Boy made me eat because of crap that went down that I don't have time to elaborate on right now, ugh.  Soon.

Friday was a good day, I think I stayed under 300 calories even with going to the movies to see HP!  (Which was A-FRICKIN-MAZING, btw.  Loveeeee.  And how gorgeous is Emma Watson!?)

Saturday and today are...  not.

I hate it, I hate this.  At least I have three school days where I can skip 2 meals before
*scary music*
Thanksgiving.
And a long weekend, in which family is ALL STAYING AT MY HOUSE.

Good heavens.

I'm terrified.  Actually, legitimately, terrified.

owe you girls a longer update cause life is crazy...

...but I'm SO busy right now.

This weekend, promise.  Life's been...  insane.

Today:  ~470 calories.

Input:  ~500
hard boiled egg white (17)
spoonful of cereal [courtesy of Mom...] (25)
half whole wheat bagel [courtesy of lunch date with Boy] (145)
slice whole wheat bread (57)
slice bacon [*shudder* Mom literally forced this on me.  It wasn't pretty.] (55)
lettuce (20)
slice turkey (20)
slice cheese [ditto the bacon] (70)
hard boiled egg (70)
grape tomatoes (20)

Output:  pathetic ~31...
abs
[+18 minutes leg lifts - seriously, how many calories do these burn??]

Yes, I need to tell you girls what's been up >.<

Soon.

Love <3

hump day, finally

Tomorrow's Thursday and I'm treating myself to lunch with the Boy!  We'll see how this goes haha... =/

Short post today, busy with homework.  How're all of you?

Today:  ~165 calories

Input: ~525
hard boiled egg white (17)
quarter apple (18)
spaghetti (197)
tomato sauce (50)
meatball (147)
lettuce (15)
peppers (22)
multigrain bread (57)

Output:  ~400
biking
abs
[16 minutes leg lifts - anyone?  calories burned doing leg lifts?]

Stay strong :]

pancakes and cereal

Yes girls.  Pancakes for dinner.  And guess who made and flipped them?

Me.

Guess who had a massive headache this morning and decided to eat some cereal for breakfast (and the only kind we had around was a binge starter (Kashi GoLean Crisp yummm) of mine) to help with the dizziness?

Me.

Guess who didn't binge AT ALL?

ME!

Today: ~-30 calories (yeah, that's a NEGATIVE sign!  and it's actually less, because of the leg lifts!)

Input:  ~325 calories
hard boiled egg white (17)
spoonful of cereal (~32)
quarter apple (18)
lettuce (20)
tomato (16)
two pancakes (220)

Output: ~355 calories
biking
abs

[+ 16 minutes of leg lifts, but I don't know how much that burned...  Anyone know?  I'd greatly appreciate it.]

It would have been one pancake, but Mom made me have another :P  At least I faked that I'd had more and resisted ACTUALLY having more AND chocolate chip pancakes!  Ahh, they are soooo good...  but so not worth the guilt - plus, NEGATIVES!  YEAH!

I'm so pumped :)

Just gotta make it through tomorrow and I'll let myself have lunch with Boy :)

Hope all you girls are doing amazingly, thanks again for comments and everything - and 30 followers, wow!  If I'm not following you just leave a comment and I will :)

Think thin(ner!),
Posie

Happy Raisin Bran Day

Horray for random holidays - most of them are dedicated to food haha.  Our whole society/culture is based on food.  It's hysterical and nauseating at the same time.

Today:  ~105 calories

Input:  ~400
hard boiled egg white (17)
third apple (31)
whole wheat roll (160)
half turkey burger (75)
salad (20)
broccoli (62)
tomato (10)

Output:  ~270
running
biking
abs
leg lifts

Cool.  Should have been lower, but the whole roll was forced on me at dinner =/  Ah well, I successfully resisted french fries with the thought of having to post that garbage here.

Boyfriend wants to take me out to lunch to get bagels on Thursday, so I think I'll let myself go if I can keep this up through then.  So restrict as much as possible tomorrow and Wednesday and breakfast/dinner Thursday.  I'll also try to work out extra that day and not eat much at lunch.  We'll see.

Thanksgiving is coming :/
Eek.

look how much she eats

Posie can't have an eating disorder, look how much she eats.

That's what I'm chalking this weekend up to.

I hate myself, so, so, so much.

I've forgotten what normal feels like.  I've forgotten what normal is.

This week - in fact, all the way until (ugh) Thanksgiving, I will be so strong.

So strong that I will lose weight even under the eyes of my mother and friends.

I will get my scale back.  I will lose.  I will be strong.

This will happen.

To motivate me, I promise to post EVERY SINGLE THING that I let past my lips.  So that if I'm even TEMPTED, I'll have to answer to you girls, and I can't disappoint you.

This will work.

It has to.

license

I passed my driving test!  :)  Finally, some freedom.

I've been talking to Mom and I think I persuaded her to get out the scales...  *crosses fingers*  We'll see.  None of my clothes fit any differently so I've gained a minimal amount if any, no idea about losses.

My friend who thinks I'm "too skinny" is visiting this weekend, so I'll probably be forced to eat a lot >.<  Argh.  Oh well, we shall see, and I was in the negatives for yesterday.  (It would have been a fast, but I figured taking a driving test like that wasn't such a brilliant idea, so I ate a mushroom omelet.)

Have a lovely weekend girls <3  Thanks again for every single comment, especially Molly and Isobel, you never fail to make my day a little brighter :)
Love,
Posie

caffeine

Is it possible to OD on caffeine?


A crappy day.  I hate me, I hate me, I hate me all the time most of the time.  I like me when Boy holds me and tells me I'm beautiful.  I hate me when I'm dependent like that.

"Without something to hate, we should lose the very spring of thought and action."

~William Hazlitt

control

I am bringing control back to my life, slowly but surely.

I love control, if you couldn't tell.

Today:
Breakfast:  egg white (~17) and some cereal (~30?) because Mom walked in on me "eating"
Lunch:  1/3 apple (~30)
Snack, as forced by Mom:  cup of mango (~110 - wth?  it's fruit!  arrgh.)
Dinner, which I will be forced to have some (read: too freakin' much) of, will be quiche, at about 200 calories a slice...  Blergh.

Ran 3 miles, will do my abs/weights/etc. later, maybe some biking.  If I time, with the butt-ton of homework I have.

On the bright side, today is my six-month anniversary with Boy :D  I love him.

Honor Regzig:  Thank you for the internet hugs *hugs back*

bonanified:  Binges vary from eating too much for my liking to a full-on, out of control mindless rampage to eat everything in sight.  And I mean EVERYTHING.  It's terrifying.

binge

Dammit, why do I do this to myself?  Honestly?

Without scales I have nothing to keep me accountable.  I hate this I hate me I have way too much hate in my life.

I need to stop cutting.  I need a hug and a good cry and some SLEEP :[

It was not a good Monday.

survey

A question for you girls - I appreciate every comment and every answer here, thanks.

What would you be doing in my position?  Having read my blog and learned about my life...  what would you do if you were Posie?

Hope you all had a lovely day <3

explanations and returns

Well now.  Here's a brain-vomit post for you lovely ladies.


First of all, Anonymous's comment on my last post made me cry.  Thanks, bitch.  If that's what you think, take a look at that sidebar there.  Yeah, wannarexics usually weigh as much as middle schoolers when they're 17.  BITCH.  Here's to proving you WRONG.


Second, obviously I'm as much of a failure at health as I am at other stuff :/

Physically, my body feels great (if bloated and distended and FAT) from all the food my mother's been shoving down my throat.

Mentally, I'm a WRECK.  A complete loony-bin-falling-apart wreck.

She did some research on EDs and realized that I, wow, have a problem!  And that 90 is not a healthy weight!  And then

(yeah, girls.  She went there.)


She took the scales.

I snapped.

Screw her, screw health.

I have no idea how much I weigh, and it's terrifying.  As soon as I'm home alone, I'm going to tear the house apart trying to find them.

For now, I'm taking each day as it comes.  She forces me to eat, whatever.  The less fuss I put up, the more she'll trust me, etc. etc.  All that nonsense.  I'm just gonna do my best to never gain weight.

Ever again.

Take that, world.

Posie's back.

How are all of you?  I don't have time to catch up on blogs really, but I missed you girls like mad.

unknowns

I don't know what this means for me, or anyone.  My GW for Thanksgiving was anything in the 80s...

But my mom made me get on the scale in front of her.

It said 82 pounds.

And I broke down.  We cried together and I told her everything, literally everything.  How much I hate myself, the guilt, the fear, the starving, the cold, the guilt, the hunger, the guiltguiltguilt every time I eat.

She's going to try to help me.

I'm going to get better.

Or at least...  I'm going to try for my definition of better.  Which is basically happy and still skinny, without a complete paralyzing fear of food/social engagements that involve food/etc.

She says she only wants me to get out of the 80s.  So once the scale says 90 (BMI 15.9), if I haven't gone insane, I'll maintain.  Until something snaps or I get really better or what.

(She doesn't know I rigged the scale so it says a pound heavier than I actually am.  So at 90, I'll actually be 89, and I can keep that knowledge inside if I need to.)

I love you all, more than I can say.  I'm not going to stop blogging, but I probably won't have as much to say.

Memento mori - remember you must die.

So live every day like it's your last.

I just want to be happy.  Pray for me, please.

A million pounds of love,
Posie

30

It's official...  I've lost 30 pounds since I was told to not lose any.

112 pounds to 82 pounds this morning.

Yup.

Although we have a long weekend this week :/  So I doubt I'll be able to maintain 82...  as long as I don't gain TOO much :P

alskdfajsdk;fajdls;faj;slurlskdjfa;sldkfja;lskd.  Head on keyboard.  I just want to be normal...  but I don't think I can be.

How are all of you?

flowers

My daddy bought me flowers today <3

Just 'cause he loves me.



I have nothing more to say.  I hope you all smiled today as much as I did.

Happy NaNoWriMo!

Happy November!

Anyone doing NaNoWriMo, just out of curiosity?  It's on my bucket list, but not this year, because add that to my life and I think my brain would spontaneously combust haha :P

83 still this morning, and I even indulged yesterday!

Halloween ended up to be:
cereal for breakfast (~50, give or take)
celery with almond butter for lunch (~120, give or take)
lettuce and spaghetti with red sauce and TWO, yes TWO! meatballs for dinner (~650, give or take)
one mini 100 Grand bar (93)
one mini Three Musketeers bar (63)
one mini package M&Ms (166)

total = ~1200 calories, give or take
Whew!  It felt like SOOOO much food oh my goodnesss (but so good, ahhhh those meatballs...), thank goodness I probably didn't go too much over my BMR.

So, Isobel :]  I did eat some sweets!  And they were godly.  And I didn't beat myself up too much.  Takin' life as it comes.  Thanks love, your comments ALWAYS make my day!

Today I won't have time to exercise because of studying :(  But I'll just try to maintain, no gains.  It'll be ok.

November.  New month.
I resolve to smile more.
What do you resolve?

Smiles,
Posie

PS:  Yup, that's a haiku :)

Happy Halloween!

Happy candy day to y'all!

I.  will.  not.  binge.  today.

83 pounds this morning.

Spoonful of cereal for breakfast, some celery with a little almond butter (Dad made me) for lunch.
Probably won't have time to exercise much xP
Traditional Halloween dinner (for my family anyway) of pasta/lasagna/ziti/meatballs/Italian bread.
And candy, of course.

Eek.

Wish me luck!  Off to take the little sis trick or treating.

this.

This is what I'm talking about.

http://confessionsabouteatingdisorders.tumblr.com/

"Hundreds and hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of strange little girls screaming through their fingers... I could scroll through these songs for the rest of my life and never find the beginning."  ~Wintergirls, Laurie Halse Anderson

to whom it may concern

To whom it may concern,

This is not a pro-ana blog, in any way, shape, or form.  This blog is a way for me to connect with other lunatics like myself and find some support.

If you've found this, and are trying to "get" anorexia or an eating disorder, I respectfully request that you leave.  Right now.  Before you screw up your life completely.

Because, make no mistake, you WILL screw up your life.  Forever.

There's no going "back" to normal, whatever normal is.

And this?

This is hell.

Examples?

My first thought every day when I wake up is about my weight.  If I've lost, I'll probably have a "good" day, which consists of exercising a ton and eating almost nothing.  If I've maintained, I have the potential for a good day.  If I've gained, I only hate myself more, and will either have a "really good" day and eat nothing at all and exercise more, or think "screw it all, I'm a fat whale anyway" and eat enough so that I'm literally in pain.  Maybe I'll purge it, maybe I won't.

At the time of this posting, I weigh 84 pounds.  BMI 14.9.  I have the heartbeat of a corpse, my toes and fingers are blue, my hair is falling out, I'm growing a fur coat, I have not felt properly warm in months, my body is covered in bruises from knocking my sticking out bones against things, my muscles are eating themselves, my metabolism is probably permanently screwed up, I haven't had my period in months.  I look like death, according to people who are blunt enough to tell me.  According to me, I need to lose some more weight.

I love to run.  Cross country was my life.  Just today, my coach wouldn't allow me to race because my legs gave out during our warm-up run and I was shivering so badly that my teeth were chattering.

I love my family and friends.  I've alienated them so much it's almost unbelievable.  My family, when they finally notice how skinny I've gotten under the layers, will be worried literally sick.  My brother needs surgery and I am just a selfish brat who wants to be thin.  My friends hardly ever ask me to do anything or hang out anymore, because I won't eat, and if I do, I'll have a panic attack.  They spend all our time together trying to force me to eat, and I get angry at them for it.  I have a boyfriend who loves me a lot, and last night he put his hand on my waist, where my hip bones stick out. Remember, this is the guy who adores me, and he took his hand away and shuddered.  He tried to hide it, but I noticed, because I was avoiding another friend who was trying to make me eat.

My best friend in the whole world also has an eating disorder, and I am watching her die in front of me, as I die in front of her.

Yes, this is death.

This is death because I can see all this, and I don't want to recover.  Or maybe I just don't think it's possible.  I caught myself thinking the other day, "I'll get help when I'm skinny enough to count as a real anorexic."  What the heck is a "real anorexic" if not me?  And more importantly, will I ever look at myself and think I'm skinny enough to need help?  No.  It won't happen.

So, read this.  Read this well.  If you still think this life is glamorous or "just a diet," then I cannot help you.  I can merely hold your hand when you too have reached this point and we can be together in this hell.  If this terrified you, good.  Leave now, stop googling "pro-ana," start a healthy diet if you really do need to lose weight, and learn to love yourself if you don't.

And when you're truly happy, think of us trapped down here in this fun-house mirror full of lies and scales and hunger and hate.

Love always,
Posie

Happy National Chocolate Day!

Figured I should let y'all know it's a holiday :]

I celebrated!

...by NOT eating chocolate/bingeing.  W00t.

Probably ate about 600 calories today and burned about half...  eh.  Could be better, could be oh so much worse.

Hope chocolate day is treating you well - I look forward to Halloween, when I'll probably indulge in a piece of chocolate or two.  (Hopefully no more!)

xoxo :]

thursdays are just days spent waiting for fridays

Don't you agree?

Today:  hard-boiled egg white (17) and 1/3 apple (25).

It will also be the first day since my epic failure of a weekend that I'm forced into dinner with the family :/  Meatloaf and egg noodles...  can you say HIGH-CALORIE?  Luckily, I have a sore throat/slightly upset stomach so they won't be TOO too worried if I don't eat a lot.  Which I won't.  Can't.  I'm so sick of 86 pounds, I wanna see something else!  Something lowerrrr.

Also, ran 3 miles and biked a bit today...  procrastinating homework as usual, probably failing physics, and can't seem to care...

Answers!  Thanks for your lovely comments, love you all.

not.quite.ana:  Yup, my metabolism is pretty whacked out haha :P  It's so frustrating!

anaxoskinnyxo:  Thanks for the encouragement!  You are a total inspiration to me, you're amazing.

Almost.Skinny:  Thank you!  I wish I could shake up my food routine but I'm under a lot of suspicion as it is :P  Closest-anorexia = not fun.

Isobel:  To be honest, I look forward to your comments telling me to eat more xD  They always make me feel so good about myself!  You're like the big sister I never had, one that I really like :]  Love youuu!  I was just talking to a friend about studying abroad in Britain, and I thought, "Wow!  I could meet Isobel in PERSON!"  Wouldn't that be wicked!?

TGI-Almost-Friday,
Posie

intake today

breakfast:  1 hard boiled egg white (17)
lunch:  1/3 apple (25)
dinner:  lettuce (20)

and then...  Dad made pancakes.  Pancakes (especially [Oh gosh, I'm drooling] chocolate chip ones like he makes... godly) are an ultimate binge food of mine.

And guess what?
He made me eat one 'cause I didn't think of an excuse fast enough.

And I stopped.
I didn't binge.

1 pancake (~100)

daily total:  less than 200 calories.

Yesterday was even better, less than 100 because I just had the egg/apple/lettuce.

SO WHY AM I NOT LOSING WEIGHT!?

a coupla confessions

Nothing to report, my days have been boring and uneventful...

So, for something for y'all to read, and 'cause I'd rather do this than physics homework:  Confessions.

I confess...

1.  I adore food.  I love cooking, I love when people eat my cooking, compliment my cooking, etc.  My life revolves around food.

2.  I hate food.  I hate it with a burning passion.  My life revolves around food.

3.  The Food Network is my favorite tv channel.  I watch it while I work out - irony!

4.  I love my family to death; they are my favorite people in the entire world.  I have no words for how much they mean to me.

5.  I love my boyfriend; he's my first serious relationship.  (I am a virgin though, and will be until I get married.)

6.  I would rather stay home with a good book and a cup of tea than go to a party any day.

7.  My number one binge food is...  dessert.  Any type of dessert.  Literally, ANYTHING.

8.  My dream career is to be a photographer/writer/artist of some kind.  Reading is my favorite hobby, then running.  I don't have a favorite book because it's always the one I'm reading at the moment.

9.  I have my ears pierced twice and I want to get a tattoo on my foot that says "Miles to go before I sleep" - from the Robert Frost poem.

10.  I've never been officially diagnosed, but I fit the criteria for anorexia nervosa, and probably exercise-based bulimia.  I hate it; I love it.  I don't know.

and an extra one for kicks and giggles...

11.  I make wishes every time I see 11:11 or 12:34 on the clock, on shooting stars, on eyelashes...  I wish on anything.  And I always make the same wish.

No, I won't tell it ;)

deep breaths

I just have to breathe, and take life one day at a time.

Before I go crazier.

Today...  well, on the crap-tastic scale of 1 to shoot-yourself-in-the-face, this week so far has been a shoot-yourself-in-the-face-TWICE.

Breathing.  Things will look up.  They have to.

"What seems to us as bitter trials are often blessings in disguise."  ~Oscar Wilde 

lard

I am a fat, disgusting whale.

Made of lard.

I seriously considered not posting until I have some good news.  But here's to honesty.

And here's to you, because you are not a huge gross uncontrolled freak of nature.  Like me.

I realized something, seriously.

I am insane.

And all that I want in life, ALL THAT I WANT, is for people to look at me and think, "Wow, that anorexic girl is fucked up.  FUCKED UP.  But she's so thin and her willpower...  I could never do that."

So, why can't I get there?  Why can't I get thinner?

Why don't I have any self-control?

Why is my entire life dictated by the number on the scale every morning?

whywhywhywhywhywhyWHY


why?

busy weekend update

For once, I'm actually having a *gasp* social life this weekend.

I went to a party for an old friend last night...  I've been hanging out with only my anorexic/bulimic best friend lately, and I'd forgotten how much normal people eat.  It's actually sickening.  I was soooo soooo sooo socially awkward, turning down food right and left =/  I felt so bad that I ended up eating shit.  Which just made me feel a gazillion times worse.  I hate me :(  Thankfully, the only really unhealthy thing I ate (at the hibachi place we went to I basically only ate some of the the soup/veggies and a small bit of rice/noodles/tuna) was a tiny piece of *wince* ice cream cake.  They didn't even ask if I wanted it!  Just handed it to me!  Social graces dictated I eat it.  >.<

Buggerbuggerbugger.  Ughhhhhh.  ;alskdfja;lskdjfa ;lskdor;ieu s;flsdkj  HATRED OF SELF.  This sucks.

Anyway, I maintained, THANK HEAVENS.  Still 86 pounds this morning.

A family party tonight for my cousin who's anorexic.  So both of us will be competing to eat less and get away with it (our family = food people.  They hate people who don't eat.) while making the other person eat and it will be so awkward that we'll both up end binging, like always.  BUT NOT TODAY.  I refuse.

Dear God, help me.  I can't have a breakdown.  I need to see 85 sometime next week.  Preferably TOMORROW but I know I won't have time today to work off whatever I do have to eat today and did eat yesterday.

I will be strong.  My ribs and stomach and mouth will be skinny strong steel, and I'll smile and say no, thank you, I already ate I'm not hungry I'll have some later.

I need to be.
I have to be.
I will be.

Think of me.  Hope for me.  I'll catch up on blogs later this weekend.

another day, another check mark

86 pounds this morning, thank heaven!

I'll post longer later hopefully when I'm undoubtedly procrastinating physics homework haha :P

Smile because you're breathing, girls.  You're gorgeous.

nothing to report

Meh.  I'm sick - but not throwupandloseweight sick, just miserable sick.

Ate about 250 calories today - soup n toast.  Burned about 300 because I never miss practice haha :P

Afraid to weigh myself.  Afraid not to.

Nothing to report, just checking in.  Hope y'all are well.

sometimes i wonder if you're still alive

...how could you survive, such a dangerous world?

20 million points for getting that reference.  I am, of course, referring to my sanity.  If you've seen it, please, let me know.  Thanks.

I kind of hate myself.  88 pounds STILL.  Another plateau?  Really?  I can't take that now >.<  And I was so discouraged/sick (cold/sore throat) that I had a sorta-binge of probably 900 calories.

Why can't I get it through my stupid head that eating will just make EVERYTHING worse?

a'sldkgh;owi5vpoierunsdlkfja;l = head on keyboard.

Also, how ironic would it be if I get caught for the cutting over the anorexia first?  'Cause it's probably gonna happen :P

Hope all of your days were better than mine.

a very grey day

Back to 88.
Nothing to report - ho hum.
A very grey day.

How are all of you?
Extra points if you noticed
That these are haikus.

i think they call this situational irony

text message conversation with Boyfriend (who, btw, is 6'2" and weighs about 130 pounds - solid muscle, but skinny as anything)

Boy:  So what're you up to?
Me:  Trying on my jeans for the winter - I'm always cold :P
Boy:  I know haha you're always stealing my sweatshirts!  how's that going?
Me:  None of them fit!!  It's not my day :(
Boy:  ...None of them fit because you're too THIN? O.O
Me:  No, actually, I got fat since you saw me last.  Is that a problem?  xD
Boy:  Well, I'd prefer if you weren't a total skeleton like me xP

I'm not sure whether to laugh or cry.

schoolwork

As I'm planning to spend the day studying like a monster, I'll post quickly now...

Yesterday went swimmingly.  To stop myself from binging, I let myself have a handful of potato chips, a couple of Raisinets, and *wince* a brownie.

But oh, goodness...  that brownie?  Quite possibly worth the self-hatred I endured after.  It was orgasmic, nothing else to be said about it.  So I ended the day with about 700 calories.  More than I like, but apparently...

...enough to be 87 lbs this morning :)

Hope you're all smiling, beauties!  Have a wonderful day.

PS:  Feel free to keep asking questions!  I enjoyed Bella's question a lot.

distractions and questions

PSATs went really well!  Yay!  And Mom didn't get up to make me breakfast so I got away with my usual hard boiled egg white (17).

At the moment, however, I'm in a spot of bother.  Found out that the extended family is coming over tonight, which is 95% of the time a binge for me - my family LOVES food.  I had planned to skip lunch, but I know that if I do, I'll be waaaaay too hungry tonight, and it will be bad.  So, I pulled out my handy dandy nut mixture - I pick out the almonds and eat 5 for 35 calories, protein, energy, and feeling full.  Plus, I try to eat a TINY bit for breakfast/lunch most days (usually I have a third of an apple for lunch, and the egg white for breakfast), keep my metabolism sort of going :P  Anyway, then I was like, "Well, one walnut can't be that many calories...  or one soybean...  or one cashew... CRAPCRAPCRAP I NEED TO STOP!"  So I quickly put them away and dashed off to here to distract myself...  But I'm so hungry >.<  My body is starving but mind will freak, and I mean FREAK, if I binge...  Distracting self, distracting!  Don't think about food!  Think about 88 pounds and then 87...  Breathe, breathe, breathe.

I hope that wasn't too many calories =/  I hate going over 50 for breakfast/lunch because I have to eat dinner and act normal with the family every night...  And today is supposed to be my day off running!  My running is getting worse and worse without enough food, and that's bad...  My legs are just exhausted alllllll the time :P

Argh.  I'll do some homework and try not to think about food, and under NO circumstances will I binge tonight.  NOT.  HAPPENING.

Hmmm, idea:

In order to help distract me, please comment with any/all questions you've got about me/my life/etc.  :]  I'll do my best to answer!  Thanks girls.

quick update

Gah, so busy.  How are all of you?  (I'm actually asking there, not much time to check blogs so comment to let me know!)

Taking PSATs tomorrow morning =/  Hopefully my mom won't force a "good" breakfast on me...  gag me.

88 pounds *bows*

Hope your Friday was lovely :)

lucidity

Lucidity...?
To explain:

I weigh a solid 89, as of this morning.

To give myself a little pick me up, 'cause this has been one of THOSE weeks so far, I decided to wear a new outfit I'd been saving.  Black skinny jeans, dark grey ankle boots, dark grey tank top, light gray sweater/cover thing and fun new earrings.  (Not sure if I've mentioned this, but I am an earring FREAK.  I have four piercings and I wear earrings every day.  Love them.)  So I'm feeling pretty nice, go to school, get tons of compliments on the outfit, blahblahblah...

Then this one girl, who I use as total thinspiration - she's gorgeous - told me I looked "ridiculously skinny."  I do my usual smile/thanks/avoid subject, but it was a great self-esteem booster, ya know?  So next period, I go to the bathroom and happen to look in the mirror; I usually avoid it.

And HOLY MOLY - I WAS THIN.  I actually stopped in my tracks and stared at my reflection.  It was like some switch had been flipped in my brain and I was afraid to move lest I see the fat again...

As a writer, I tend to describe everything around me in my head as if I was writing it.  I never, ever describe myself positively, as you probably guessed.  But at that moment, I saw beauty.  (And I'm not at all asking for compliments here; I'm just recounting the weirdness of it all.)  I have brown/gold hair and it was looking awesome today, my eye-makeup picked up the blue/green of my eyes perfectly, my cheekbones looked even higher and more accented than normal, my lips were full and lovely, my neck was long and came down to an elegant collarbone, my arms were thin and graceful with bony wrists and long thin fingers, my waist tiny, my hip bones poking out through the tank, my thighs didn't (and don't!) touch when I stand with my knees together...  it was amazing.  I was astonished.  I was transfixed.

I had to PEE.

And when I looked in the mirror again, it was gone.  It was bizarre.  I'm thinking it came from all this contemplation of how screwed up my best friend and I actually are...  I can't bring myself to tell anyone on her.  It'd just make me a hypocrite, because I'm just as much of a mess and I don't want help, and I'd kill her if she told on me.  So...  yeah.

We'll just carry on being screw-ups together.

I had other stuff to tell you girls, but of course I don't remember it now.  Anyway, hope everyone is having a lovely day.  Love you all, and thanks so much again for all the support.  You girls ROCK.

busy

Mad busy again.

I'm hovering 89/90.  I'm praying.  I'm worrying.  Sigh.

Love you.

You'll Be In My Heart

YOU'LL BE IN MY HEART
by Phil Collins


Come stop your crying
It will be all right
Just take my hand Hold it tight 

I will protect you
from all around you
I will be here
Don't you cry 

For one so small,
you seem so strong
My arms will hold you,
keep you safe and warm
This bond between us
Can't be broken
I will be here
Don't you cry 

'Cause you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on
Now and forever more 

You'll be in my heart
No matter what they say
You'll be here in my heart, always 

Why can't they understand
the way we feel
They just don't trust
what they can't explain
I know we're different but,
deep inside us
We're not that different at all 

And you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on
Now and forever more 

Don't listen to them
'Cause what do they know
We need each other,
to have, to hold
They'll see in time
I know 

When destiny calls you
You must be strong
I may not be with you
But you've got to hold on
They'll see in time
I know
We'll show them together 

'Cause you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on,
Now and forever more 

Oh, you'll be in my heart
No matter what they say
You'll be in my heart, always
Always 




This song almost never fails to bring me to tears.  It's utterly beautiful.  And my bffl, you know who you are, if you're by any small chance reading this...  I love you to the moon and back, and I'm praying.  I'm praying hard.  
PS:  Yes, I found this song from the Disney movie Tarzan.  Disney rules.

what do you do...

...when your best friend in the world is dying right before your eyes?

And your mind, no, your entire SOUL is screaming with every particle of your being to help her, dear God, get her help before you lose her, but you can't because

what's killing her

is the same demonmonster that's killing you?

normalcy fail

I honestly gave it my all.

I tried to be normal, for two days.

I can't do.  Girls, I just can't.  The monster inside is too strong.

So, I'm back with a vengeance - I've (duh) gained some weight.  *shudder*  90 was so perfect =/  I'll work it off - I think I'm at 91/92 now.  I will be thin, I will be perfect, I will shine.

Wish me luck lovelies <3

self-control

I lack it.

I did AMAZING last night, and I've completely screwed up today already.  Dammit.  *sobsigh*

I was 89 this morning.  I won't be tomorrow morning.

I'm trying to think of it as healthy for my body, make my running better, I've got til Thanksgiving to be solidly in the 80s, boost my metabolism...  but oh God, the voices in my head are SHRIEKING at me, Posie the fattyfatfat stupid hungry spineless pig WHALE.

I will not let them in.
I MUST not let them win.
But they will.  I'm starting to think it's inevitable.
Love <3

britni

http://loved2bethin.blogspot.com/

Help this lovely girl.  For me.  Brit, honey - I love you <3

update and can't think of a clever title

Hello lovelies!  Finally I think I have time to catch up.  Life is soooo crazy busy >.<

First things first:  This morning, I weighed 90 pounds.  BMI 15.9.  Remember how happy I was to hit double digits?  Now I'm psyched for the 80s...

This week was AWESOME, I barely ate anything because I was hardly ever home; most days I was in the negative range for calories and without being home, Mum couldn't get on my case!

However... it's my little brother's birthday today.  Frick.  Dinner tonight will be his favorite food...  mac and cheese.  The homemade kind with like 14 zillion tons of butter and pasta and of course, CHEESE.  Just, please, kill me now - I can't leave and miss his birthday, or not eat it - he'd be so upset, and honestly, I love the kid like you wouldn't even believe.  He's the only one who can ALWAYS cheer me up; I love him to death.

And we're having ANOTHER party for him/family gathering tomorrow.  So, when my next post is absolutely freaking out, that's why.  It's also extremely hard to get out of eating during the day on weekends for me, 'cause Mom is still watching me so closely, and without school...

I've already had yogurt (100) and a couple cheerios (25ish) =/  I plan on running and biking later, hopefully will have the time and the energy and then the strength to resist binging on mac and cheese and other stuff this weekend :(  AND it's a LONG weekend.  GAH.

But:  I'm really trying to have a more positive attitude.  Any eating I do this weekend I'm going to try to think of as helpful to my body, because my running is going WAY downhill and Coach is starting to ask questions.  I know I'll end up having a panic attack anyway, but I can hope...

So, on to other things.  Mum is still watching me very closely when she can, and my cousin that I've probably mentioned is being watched too =/  It's nice that people notice/comment on how skinny I am, but I just want them to screw off about my eating.  You know?

A thousand million thanks to all my loyal followers and especially y'all who comment - I have no words for how much it means to me <3  It's so wonderful not to be alone.  Every comment is like a smile for me, and heaven knows I need smiles haha :P

Some replies for you:
BellaAna:  Thanks for asking for some of my awesomeness!  That was a huge smile for me because YOU are one of MY biggest thinspirations <3
pixiestix:  Is this post long enough?  ;)  Thanks for all the wonderful comments; I love your blog!
lovelybones:  Thank you <3  this long enough? :]  Your comments always always cheer me up.
Britni:  Thank you too!  I'm loving the gorgeous weather.  Hope you're doing well <3

And now a super special note to Isobel:  Girl, I love you more than I can say.  It means the world to me that a total stranger would care enough to worry about another total stranger.  Whenever I get upset, I've actually started to think of you and try to be alright...  You're the best.  You'll always, always look like Natalie Portman in my head <3  And you're right; I AM tiny... and I just don't see it.  I'm kind of in a mad rush to get as small (read: sick :P) as I can before the doctor finds out, which will be eventually...  I just can't stomach (haha, stomach) the thought of NOT losing any more weight.  I NEED weight loss.  I'm not denying for a moment that I have a disease and that I'm sick in the head and crazy...  I'm just not at the point where I can stop that.  I'd go truly insane.
Your last post, I kid you not, made me cry.  It's only been a few days and I miss your wonderful self coming up in my reading list like CRAZY.
You are not by any stretch of the imagination a fat loser.  YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL and I pray that you can see that.  Your "just living" is my dream living, remember that.  I respect you so, so much, and I hope that you can come back soon - even if you aren't losing any weight, I still want to hear from you, ok?  Read every single comment on your last post and know that EVERY SINGLE ONE IS TRUE.  We all love you and support you NO MATTER WHAT.  I love you to the moon and back and God bless <3

Whew, that was long.  That's all I've got for today - I'm sending everyone love and hugs and thin wishes.  Think thin, stay strong, and smile because you're alive,
Love,
Posie

PS:  Here's a story to make you sob...  (I did...)
My little brother just walked into the room and sat down next to me (I switched screens to a paper I'm writing).  I asked him what's up.  He mumbled something about nothing much...  So I went back to typing my paper.
Then he blurts out, "Are you gonna eat my mac and cheese tonight?"
"Of course, li'l bro, why wouldn't I?"  (Thinking that I wish to heck I didn't HAVE to...)
"I was just worried that you wouldn't, 'cause, you know... it's fattening and stuff... and you don't really eat enough food anymore and you're so skinny and it's not good..."
No joke, I burst into tears.  I love that boy more than I can everever say.

s00per short

91 pounds, HELL YEAH.
I'll post long tomorrow, promise <3

sun

After WEEKS of rain here where I live, the SUN finally came out!  It was the perfect touch to a mostly very good day.  (And so nice to not be damp and miserable - the weather never fails to affect my mood.)

I'm at about 92.5 pounds!  Probably ate too much potato soup today to have lost any for tomorrow though :P  It was just soooo good...  good gracious.  I'm so weak lately :(  My body is revolting - I'll space out and suddenly I'm EATING!  AGAIN!  >.<  Just have to be stronger.  I can do this.  

Soooo busybusybusy.  After the weekend, Mum has backed off a bit, thank goodness.

Still lovin' y'all, still owing you a longer post.  This long weekend - bless Columbus and his holiday!

looking up

Hopefully, things are looking up.  It's always darkest before the dawn.

I'm insanely busy again, I owe you girls a long post and catch up on your blogs <3  I'm reading but not commenting much, sorry!

I'm at 93 pounds now...  I've decided that I want to be under 90 by Thanksgiving.  I know it's a long time for such a small goal, but yeah...

Love y'all.

i can't even think straight enough to make a title

I have no idea where to begin, so this is just going to be a rant in no particular order.

Mom found out I weighed 93.  I insisted that night that it's xc/school/stress/etc.  Friday morning I weigh 92, but she doesn't find that out.  Parents force a normal (aka HUGE) dinner on me Friday night.  I feel like such shit cause of that I kind of FREAK OUT and eat like a normal person (which is completely binging for me) all Saturday and so far all today and I haven't even exercised AT ALL DAMMIT.  I can't seem to stop.  I don't know what's going on.  My body is revolting against all this poison food but I CAN'T FUCKING STOP and I'm also (tmi here) sooo stopped up that I don't know how much I weigh and it's killing me and I don't know what to do, I'm shaking and crying and eating and not-puking but I tried, I failed myself and tried to purge but I couldn't and I don't know why and
dear
God

I
am
going
insane.

crapcrapcrap

Mum walked into the bathroom just as I was weighing myself.  I should have locked the door, craaaaap.  Crap.

Now she knows I weigh 93 pounds.  She FLIPPED.

I am in deep shit here.  Hopefully I can keep passing it off as just losing weight because of xc...?
I need advice, my friends.  What can I tell her???

Isobel, I'm still meaning to reply to you once my life calms the heck down :P  Love you girl.

Love you all.  Wish me luck, pray, whatever - just please comment with tips/advice that you use D= =/  I'm in trouble.

<3Posie

short 'n' sweet

Mad busy.  Mental breakdown busy.

93 pounds, w00t w00t.  Hallelujah.

Isobel, I'll reply to your comment asap <3  thanks girl, wish I wasn't so busy <3

broken?

Can it be true!?
My scales tell me I weigh 94!  *crosses fingers*  Oh, I do hope so.  That wretched plateau >.<

Anyway, CRAZY busy today, so enjoy my song posts and I wish you all well <3
Lots'o'love,
Posie

P.S:  I broke 50 posts :O  I can't even remember what it was like before I had you girls.  Lovelovelove.

21 Guns

21 GUNS
by Green Day


Do you know what's worth fighting for?
When it's not worth dying for?
Does it take your breath away and you feel yourself suffocating?
Does the pain weigh out the pride?
And you look for a place to hide?
Did someone break your heart inside, you're in ruins

One, 21 Guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 Guns
Throw up your arms into the sky
You and I ...

When you're at the end of the road
And you lost all sense of control
And your thoughts have taken their toll
When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul
Your faith walks on broken glass and the hangover doesn't pass
Nothing's ever built to last, you're in ruins

One, 21 Guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 Guns
Throw up your arms into the sky
You and I ...

Did you try to live on your own?
When you burned down the house and home?
Did you stand too close to the fire?
Like a liar looking for forgiveness from a stone
When it's time to live and let die
And you can't get another try
Something inside this heart has died, you're in ruins

One, 21 Guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 Guns
Throw up your arms into the sky
You and I ... 




Yet another song I adore.  It's pretty self-explanatory, non?  Favorite part: When you're at the end of the road / And you lost all sense of control / And your thoughts have taken their toll / When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul / Your faith walks on broken glass and the hangover doesn't pass / Nothing's ever built to last, you're in ruins...  So true.  

ODDs and Even SOs

ODDS AND EVEN SOS
by Eleventyseven


No one ever seems to understand her 
I don't think that her parents even planned her 
And everywhere she goes she feels rejected 
Miscommunication is expected 

She's crying for direction 
Lost in her reflection 
All the while pretending she's alive 
She's trying not to show it 
But everybody knows it 
Something is just killing her inside

Like a recall on your television screen 
She was someone you would never want to see 
And things never worked out the way 
She planned every drop of blood she had is on your hands

[chorus]

Maybe someday soon when she's alone 
She'll decide to take a life that's not her own 
Lying on the ground beside her gun 
Never knowing she's not the only one 
All she ever needed was a voice 
Telling her that she could make a different choice 
Now is not the time cause it's too late 
What good is God doing you when he is only faith?

[chorus] 




I love this song.  It speaks to me.  "Lost in her reflection"...  Yup.  Like it was written for those of us with desperation behind our eyes and steel and starvation in our ribs.

help me, bloggers. you're my only hope.

Please, right now, asap, this moment:  give me any and all tips you've got for breaking a plateau.  If I see another day of 95 pounds, I'll scream.

Star Wars reference, btw.  Ftw <3
Natalie Portman?  Frickin' GORGEOUS.  Even bald.  Love her.

And a special shout out to Isobel, who I missed like HELL.  (And, ftr, totally picture as Natalie in my head...)  Girl, I wanna hear ALL ABOUT FRANCE.  I want details on the people, places, and food, of course - I'm living (and eating) vicariously through you :)  And soon we shall be losing together again!

irony

i find it
ironic
to the extreme
that the only thing i watch on tv
while i work out
is the food network.

3 cheers for masochism, eh, beauties?

hum dum de dum

Still stuck at 95 =/

Nothing much to report.  In an attempt to break the plateau, I'm eating semi-normally today (i.e. 2 ALMOST NORMAL WHOLE MEALS :O) which will HOPEFULLY help my body and up my metabolism so I can lose again, although my mind is FREAKING out.

In other news, I blacked out at practice the other day, very briefly...  luckily, thankfully, my friend who's... ahh, like me, was the only who noticed and she wouldn't say anything.

Don't you wish you were normal?  I do :(

Other other news, my birthday was lovely and thanks for all the wishes :)  I only had a tiny piece of cake and worked it off, so no gain!  What I WANT is a loss...  Ah well.

Thanks lovelies!

happy unbirthday to you!

And happy birthday to me!

I'm 17 :)  Will try to avoid cake.  But I got some good presents!

Not much time to write, sorry beauties - I'll sum it up with the depressing fact that I seem to have plateaued at 95...  been stuck for days and haven't eaten over 500-700 any of those and xc is INSANE...  This is lame.  BMI 16.8 is unacceptable; I'm still in the 3rd percentile for my age/height.  By the time I see my doctor again (middle of winter, if I don't get sick/pass out at practice/etc.) I want to be in the negative percentiles at least.  If they're going to lock me up, I want a legitimate REASON to be locked up.

Peace, girls.  Love you <3

racing

I ran my ass off at the xc race today - felt AWESOME.

Runner's high is my drug of choice.  Went for another run afterward, and will do my abs/weights/etc. later.

Plus, family will be out so I can skip a normal size dinner.  I ate a bit today to fuel the race:  chocolate cheerios (100) and half an apple (37).  For dinner I had about 20-25 cal worth of salad.

Hopefully this will help work off the weekend >.<

Love you all.  Your comments mean more than I can say.

too much, too much, need to stop, need to stop

I weigh too much, I take up too much space, I think too much, I AM too much.

I want to be skinny(er - always, always skinner).  I want to lose weight.  I want to be able to stop when I binge.  I want to stop cutting.  I want to be a better runner, better person, better...  I want so many things...

I need to stop this amusement park ride with the sick clown faces always grinning, laughing at me, telling me to lose one more pound and one more and I can leave and get off and be happy and free and smile a real smile, not one with pain behind my eyes and blood on my fingers and ice in my soul.

I fear that's too much to ask.

lunatic

We're all mad here.  But me?  I - I am going insane.

In complete seriousness, I'm terrified that I'm actually going mad.  Padded white walls mental.  You can read this blog and see my life and watch my mental state utterly deteriorate.  I'm afraid to weigh myself, to look in a mirror, to eat too much, to stop exercising for even one moment, to admit that I need help, but at the same time, I NEED to know how much I weigh, I need to look in a mirror and make sure that a binge didn't blow me up to the size of a whale, I need to eat to live, I need to do other things with my life, I NEED SOMEONE to notice what I'm doing and tell me I need help because Dear God I NEED HELP.  I want to be so skinny that someone drags me to a doctor and locks me up so they can fucking fix me but it'll never work, because I'll never be skinny enough.

Lia was right.  Zero in tennis is love.  I finally get it.  I'm too far away from zero to love myself.

I'm chalking this ENTIRE FUCKING WEEKEND up to "See, she ate a shit-ton, she can't be anorexic!"  Because people have been asking questions.

And we can't have questions without looking for answers.

Does anyone, anyone, truly have an answer?  Because I need one.

Or I'll go mad.

[profanity warning]

I am a fucking disgusting fat lard who doesn't deserve to live.

Binge.  Goddammit, I fucking feel like my stomach is ripping open, I'm literally curled up in pain.

I hate myself with the firey passion of a thousand suns.  That was probably 2000 calories RIGHT THERE.

But I will.  not.  purge.

This disease can fuck up my mind but I WILL NOT LET MYSELF PUKE THIS UP.

FUCKITY FUCK I HATE ME.  I DESERVE TO SUFFER THIS WITHOUT PUKING.

Dammit.  I'm sorry to rant like this.  The food, the weight, the guilt...  Oh, dear God...  I'm so afraid I'm stepping off the deep end completely.  Bonkers, mental, loony, mad, insane, one (or 11) egg(s) short of a dozen and bats in my belfry...

*curls up and sobs*  I hate me.  I truly do.

spines

Just out of curiosity, run your hands along your back - Can you feel your spine?  Answer in comments, I'm truly curious.  I'll explain.

Last night, Boyfriend came over, we talked, I cried, whatnot...  we're back together and he truly is so sorry, it was once...  anyway.  I love him.

So I'm sitting there, crying and being a generally hormonal girl (I totally didn't even realize, but I haven't had my actual period in months, btw) and I end up in his arms, and it's amazing and we're kissing and I'm just so glad I could forgive him and trust him, and he pulls me closer and then stops and pulls away.  I'm like, "What?" and he traces a finger up the middle of my back and goes, kind of shocked, "Is that... your SPINE?"
Why yes, yes it is.  Hello, spine.  Lovely to SEE you poking out back there, shoulder blades like wings and vertebrae dancing...

And then, because I'm only a real girl around him (maybe why I love him so much?) I had a normal (aka huge for me) dinner and a COOKIE and didn't panic until after he left.

I'm like 94-95 today, ran a butt-ton at practice...  Gah, if I gain much more this weekend I'll go crazy.  I truly will.

Love you all, thank you for everything, how are you?  <3

omens

I'm taking him back, forgiving him.

Let's just say some stuff happened that I'm taking as a sign from God - I'm going even crazier without him, I miss him like hell, and I love him.

My scales (yes, more than one) are telling me I weigh
94 pounds.
If I can manage to not gain too much over the weekend (they're always so baaaad) I think I be solidly at my previous low weight for all/most of next week.  And get a new low.  94 is such a lovely number...

92 is even better.

90?  Soon, my lovely girls.  Soon.

I'm Not Okay (I Promise)

I'M NOT OKAY (I PROMISE)
by My Chemical Romance

Well if you wanted honesty, that's all you had to say.
I never want to let you down or have you go, it's better off this way.
For all the dirty looks, the photographs your boyfriend took,
Remember when you broke your foot from jumping out the second floor?

I'm not okay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
You wear me out

What will it take to show you that it's not the life it seems?
(I'm not okay)
I've told you time and time again you sing the words but don't know what it means
(I'm not okay)
To be a joke and look, another line without a hook
I held you close as we both shook for the last time take a good hard look!

I'm not okay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
You wear me out

Forget about the dirty looks
The photographs your boyfriend took
You said you read me like a book, but the pages all are torn and frayed

I'm okay
I'm okay!
I'm okay, now
(I'm okay, now)

But you really need to listen to me
Because I'm telling you the truth
I mean this, I'm okay!
(Trust Me)

I'm not okay
I'm not okay
Well, I'm not okay
I'm not o-fucking-kay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
(Okay)




I love this song.  "I never want to let you down or have you go; it's better off this way..." just seems to apply to my whole situation now.  
And "What will it take to show you that it's not the life it seems?" applies to everyone who thinks that having an ED is "cool" or "a lifestyle" - that's bull.  Eating disorders are terrifying and I'd give a limb to be normal.  This song is a must-hear for everyone.

mirror, mirror, on the wall

Who IS the fairest one of all?

I wonder.  Will I ever look fair in my own head?

Ironic moment of the day:  Boyfriend(?) and I making completely awkward conversation with a couple of other friends - we accidentally ended up next to each other.  Weight (loss) comes up.

Friends:  blah blah blah weight gain!  I'm so huge!  blahblah *eating the whole time*
Me:  *without thinking*  Me toooooo!  *not eating*
Boyfriend(?):  Yeah, right, what do you weigh?  Like 100 pounds?
Friends:  *blather about how tiny/lucky/perfect I am*
Me:  *smile, deny everything, Iateearlieryessir, bleed on the inside where they can't see because I'm so starving and I can't let myself eat and I LOVE HIM*

I weigh 95 pounds, as of today.  Also, my fingernails are turning blue and I spend all day every day shivering.  Grrreat.  At least it burns calories.

compass

What can you do when the one who's hurting you...

...isn't yourself, for once?

I know how to deal with me.  I can handle myself, sort of.  (If this is handling?)

I don't know how to handle this, now.

I think I'm going to forgive him, take him back.  I don't know.  I truly love him.

I don't know.

Update in the weight(loss) area:  96 pounds.  Today I ate a hard-boiled egg white, no yolk (17), and 1 ritz cracker (~12) (=29) and I'll probably have to stuff in about 500 at dinner.  Bugger.  Ran only 2ish miles at practice plus a couple sprints.  Coach is asking questions though >.< Think I'll do some biking along with my abs/weights/etc. tonight.

I don't know.  Does anyone have any advice?  I need a compass, a crystal ball, a magic mirror to tell me what to do.

I'm not exactly the best person to make healthy decisions for myself, huh.