halfway to decent, i got lost on the way to normal

Why do I only feel halfway decent about myself when I'm starving?

Is there a switch, somewhere in the dark, cobwebby corners of my psychotic brain, that I can flip?  Flip back to this mythical "Normal" that people speak of and tell me I should be?

Maybe I've gained enough weight to be almost "Normal," but I don't feel "Normal."

I will never be "Normal" and I've accepted that.

And so, I will starve.

hell

Hell.


They whisper about it, at night, in the dark.  "What do you think Hell is?"
"Oh, I don't know."


I know.  Look in my eyes and see the demons and maybe hear the echo of the scream and you'll know that I know.


I know what Hell is.


Look in my eyes and you'll see it.


Hell.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas girls!!

A little bit early :)  I simply ADORE this season.  Also, I probably won't be back to blogger except sporadically until after New Year's...

Let's see...  I've been SUPER busy and life's been INSANE, but mostly pretty good.  I STILL don't know what I weigh =/  It's really, really difficult to stay motivated without a scale, and I know for a fact that I'm getting much fatter...  the gap between my (faaaaaaat) thighs has shrunk x_x  Kill me now?  However, all my clothes and jeans are still pretty loose so hopefully the damage isn't TOO horrific, and after New Year's I'll really crack down again.  This week has been good, food-wise.  I'm super-motivated to be good until Christmas so I can let myself go a little...  Anyway.  Rant over.  Gotta get back to homework :P

Oh, and in my absence I seem to have acquired some new followers :o  35 people who care what I say?  I'm shocked and honored, thank you all!  If I'm not following you already, just comment and I'll try to :)

Have a wonderful, wonderful, amazing Christmas/holiday/winter-break/whatever, stay strong, think thin, but let yourself have a great time without too many regrets...

I love you all.

Love, Posie

PS:  Replies:

VictoriaCrimson, thank you so much for your dedicated commenting <3  I love you, and your blog, and you're doing so well!  Sorry I've been too busy to comment much :(

Believe&&Lose:  Thank you lovely :)  Stay strong too!  You're beautiful no matter what, remember that.

Isobel:  Girl, I love you so, so much.  Like, it's ridiculous how attached I am to this person I don't even know who lives an ocean away, but I love you.  Keep me updated, ok?  I miss you.  <3

EVERYONE:  LOVE LOVE LOVE

You are all beautiful.  So beautiful.  Someday, you will see it like I do <3

haitus

I'm sorry girls.

I just need to get my head back in order, decide what I'm doing with my life, and finish these last 2 weeks of school before winter break - so much homework it's ridiculous.

I love you all; I'll keep reading/commenting when I can, but probably little to no posting.

Think thin <3

Posie

too-long thursdays

So.  busy.

So much schoolwork, so much stress, argh.

Intake:  462
Output:  57

Total:  405 calories

TGI-almost-Friday...

wasted wednesdays

Oh my heavens, so much schoolwork.  Guuhhhh.

I should have worked out more >.<

Intake:  ~758 calories (ughhhh, people need to stop FORCING food on me.  I'll eat when I'm damn ready, thanks.)
Output:  ~345 calories

Total:  ~413 calories

Off to do more physics.  Bleh.

terrific tuesdays

Less terrific than Monday, but hey, not all days can be that good.

Not much to report, life-wise...  Lots of schoolwork, but I'm doing really well so I'm pleased.

Input:  ~419 calories
Output:  ~242 calories

Today:  ~177 calories

Got all those ~ symbols because I estimated portion size on some delish multigrain bread I ate...  I made sure to way overestimate so I'm thinking my total was closer to 100 calories, but still, under 200!  And the family's happy, and I'm (reasonably) happy that intake, so...  yep.

19 days til Christmas!

magical monday cont.

Today:  ~245 calories

Input:  606 calories
hard boiled egg white (17)
apple (13)
bite of a latke (31)
salad (20)
chicken nuggets (225)
couscous (300)

Output: ~360 calories
Tae Bo
biking
calisthenics
abs

So my Monday was great overall.  The output shoulda been higher, but I'm exhausted, so I can roll with it. The input shoulda been lower, but I have a new strategy:  Just go with the flow.

Someone (read: my parents and friends) forces food on me, whatever.  I eat it (obviously some exceptions apply here) and try not to hate myself too much.  Exercise and restrict when possible, if not, be happy anyway!  Because really, as long as I'm happy with myself and no one else is worrying about me, what else can you ask for?  I'm working towards a happy balance of skeletal and healthy, haha :P

You might ask what brought about my attitude change...  I think it was my father, begging, literally begging me to try, for him, to be ok.

So Dad, this is for you.  I'm gonna try for happiness.

Also the Christmas spirit.  I LOVE this season (even if I hate the cold) - only 20 days!  Yay!

Love you all to the moon and back,
Posie

magical mondays

I'm honestly having an amazing day.  I don't know why, I'm just over the moon today!

Upward mood swings ftw :D  Hope you girls are all great <3

Will post intake/output later today - yesterday I had two separate people tell me I look "healthier" and "less skeletal" now.

Nothing like a kick in the butt to get you motivated, huh?  Skeletal, here I come :]

oh, hipsters

I just had to share this with you girls...

Today in school I was sitting with my best friend, the one that I've mentioned.  During a pause in our conversation, we overheard two hipster girls sitting behind us...

GIRL1:  ...wait, how do bulimics make themselves throw up?
GIRL2:  *mimes sticking her finger down her throat*
GIRL1:  EWWWWW eating disorders are so gross!  Anorexics and bulimics are like...  ew.
GIRL2:  I know man...  it's our society that's so fucked up.  The media and shit, changing girls' views...
GIRL1:  *nods*


BFF and I:  *look at each other and burst out laughing*
BFF:  Is it just me, or did that whole scene belong in a bad high school teen angst movie?

Best laugh we've had together in ages :)

Oh, hipsters.  Always trying to be ironic and crap, never realizing how much they actually are.

Another positive:  negative calories 3/4 days so far this week, w00t.  So good to finally be back in control.  Hope y'all are well.

limbo

I'll be back.

I'll be back when I can give you good news, bad news, any news.  I'm stuck in limbo.

But I'll be back.