love, hugs, and kisses. and bikinis.

Roight.

Big post coming, READY!?

First of all.  I'm at 101, dammit.  But this will come off by FRIDAY, OR I WILL CUT IT OFF I SWEAR.

Ahem.

So, I went to the beach with Boyfriend today.  And wore a bikini (with skulls on it - thought that was appropriate haha).  And he told me (repeatedly) how beautiful/hot/sexy/gorgeous/etc. I am.  And kissed me as he held me in the ocean (rather painfully romantic, non?), and told me again...  SO WHY CAN'T I BELIEVE HIM?  It was...  disastrous, but he doesn't know that, because it was only disastrous in my freakin' screwed up mind.  At least HE had a good time...  (and alright, my hormones sure enjoyed it, but my BRAIN?  'Nother story.)

I KNOW, like I understand, that I have a smokin' hot body, because dammit after 3-4 hours of exercise a DAY and a diet that basically consists of starvation and fruit/veggies, it better be bangin', but I can't see it.  I look in the mirror and see a fat whale and I think, a few more pounds.  A few more pounds.  A few more pounds lost and I'll be light enough to float away to the quiet of the sky...  So, new goal.  At 98, I will overcome my fear of pictures and post one of me, for you all to see.  (Btw 11 followers!  Thanks!)

But what I want to know is what kind of fucked up brain sits in my head, when a 5'3" girl weighing 101 lbs and running 7+ miles a day plus 1-2 MORE hours of exercise sees herself as a disgusting FAT ASS.

BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT I AM, duh.  At least, that's what I see looking back at me in the mirror.

It's SICK how much my life revolves around mirrors and scales.  Sick.

Plus, he noticed my arms.  Dammmmmn.  I passed it off as running into a thorn bush at practice, but he's suspicious.

PBBBBBTTHHHHH, is what I say.  Mental brain fart.

Today - very good calorie wise.  About 600, methinks.  Ran 6 miles at practice varsity time plus sprints and some swimming, and after I post this I'm off to do some weights and abs for about 40 minutes, and biking or walking after that if my poor tired legs are up to it.

Coach had a nutritionist come tell us what to eat and when and all that stuff - I just laughed to myself.  I know more about this kind of thing than he did!  Maybe a viable, if ironic, career goal?  Hmm.

Now, about my last post.  Guys, you made my day a thousand times over, and I'm sending you love and hugs through the internet.  Your comments were the BEST.  I shall reply!

Peri:  Nope, nothing terribly exciting - oral surgery for my gums haha :)

Believe&&Lose:  Aww, girl :(  *sends a huge hug*  I'm so sorry about the family stuff; that really stinks.  Try to think of it as motivation!  My mother is hyper-alert to everything I eat and how much I exercise and whatnot - it's a daily struggle to hide my psychosis, but worth it.  I think.  But anyway, your long comment MADE MY DAY and totally inspired me!  Feel amazing about yourself for that!  :D  You say your sis is always trying to one-up you?  I have the same issue with my cousin - she's a better anoretic than me, if there is such a thing :P  We're best friends and worst rivals at the same time!  I do cross stuff off lists all the time, it's really therapeutic to know you've accomplished something.  Thinspiration is always a great way to pass the not-eating time!  Yes, I've had duck meat!  (And I personally hate sushi, idk why...)  I don't recommend it, it's pretty much stringy chicken.  Very odd.  Thank you so much for saying my HW is lucky!  I'm really naturally a tiny person, I just want to be TINIER, and 112 was like...  unnatural.  Disgusting, imo.  My doctor firmly told me at 112 to not lose a pound, gain if I could - DON'T MAKE ME LAUGH haha I'm down 11-12 pounds and (hopefully!) counting :)  Next physical in February will be br00tal.  I'll be murdered.  Whatever, worry about it when the times comes...  And don't think of it as you've ONLY lost 7 pounds, think of it as 7 pounds closer to thin!  You can do ANYTHING you put your mind too.  And trust me, I know how much it sucks to be bigger than your bf.  Mine is really tall but insanely skinny muscular as well, it's depressing =/  At least he can pick me up no problem!  If not, I'd die :P  And I WANTED to reply to your wonderful comment!  It did help, so much :)  I have read Wintergirls, it's one of my all time faves; I've read it like 15 times.  My favorite quote is actually at the bottom of the blog and I wrote a post about it, check it here or on the literature page:
http://ashes-and-ashes.blogspot.com/2010/08/wintergirls.html
Anyway, replying to this gave me something to do as well!  Thank you ever so much again; you truly made my day <3  Love you!

Love to EVERYONE!  We can do this!  Think thin!

Posie <3

distracting myself

So, I am TOTALLY stealing Peri's idea here, thanks girl!  Anything to keep my mind off the food.  Crossing off the ones I've done - please, please leave comments so I a) have something else to do and b) can tell any stories about these haha :)

1. Had A Threesome
2. Been drunk.
3. Touched a real gun.
4. Done drugs
5. Wrote on a bathroom stall.
6. Took “naughty” pictures of myself.
7. Had sex
8. Got into a fist fight.
9. Used Twitter.
10. Listened to Lady Gaga.
11. Been in a car accident.
12. Gotten suspended.
13. Gotten expelled.
14. Got a computer virus.
15. Had a hand-written diary.
16. Been allergic to something.
17. Had a dog.
18. Had a cat.
19. Been pregnant
20. Had a pregnancy scare.
21. Had unprotected sex.
22. Camped out.
23. Swam in the ocean.
24. Wore a bikini.
25. Met someone online in person.
26. Made a survey.
27. Used ICQ.
28. Failed a class for the year.
29. Repeated a grade.
30. Went to summer school. 
31. Got straight As
32. Got As and Bs
33. Learned to speak another language fluently.
34. Read an entire book.
35. Recorded my own music.
36. Had an Xbox.
37. Listened to Rammstein.
38. Wore fishnets.
39. Bought skinny jeans.
40. Been in love.
41. Hated someone.
42. Been cheated on.
43. Cheated on someone.
44. Had a significant other.
45. Did something sexual with someone of the same sex. 
46. Practiced Christianity.
47. Worn makeup.
48. Had a cavity.
49. Had surgery.
50. Had my license.
51. Been to college.
52. Graduated high school.
53. Attempted suicide. 
54. Worn colored contacts.
55. Painted my nails black.
56. Broken someone’s heart.
57. Had my heart broken.
58. Cried for an hour straight.
59. Lost something very valuable.
60. Had sex in a car.
61. Got separated from my parents as a kid.
62. Broken a bone.
63. Gotten stung by a bee.
64. Eaten something bad/expired.
65. Threw up from being so drunk.
66. Had to put a pet to sleep.
67. Participated in a swinger’s party.
68. Owned an iPod.
69. Owned an iPhone.
70. Fell for a best friend.
71. Stole a friend’s significant other.
72. Had a serious disease.
73. Gone away from home for more than a week.
74. Moved out.
75. Ran away.
76. Teased my brother/sister.
77. Gotten into a verbal fight.
78. Been to the hospital.
79. Had food poisoning.
80. Had a job.
81. Been fired.
82. Lied to a friend.
83. Lied to a family member.
84. Lied to a significant other.
85. Posted a video on YouTube.
86. Started a rumour about someone.
87. Deliberately failed a test.
88. Dropped out of school.
89. Gotten my “private parts” pierced.
90. Been skinny dipping.
91. Counted to a million.
92. Counted to a thousand.
93. Ate deer meat.
94. Ate duck meat.
95. Had fast food.
96. Been to church.
97. Been to a synagogue.
98. Been married.
99. Had a divorce


Whew, that was fun.  Back to skulking around the internet and listening to my stomach growl - school starts Friday and I WILL BE DOUBLE DIGITS.


Love you all.

bleeding where they can't see

I hate weekends.

hate em hate em hate em hate em hate em

I don't even know how much I weigh but I feel like a WHALE so enormous and gross and disgusting.

I hate myself.

I just want to rip these fucking demons OUT OF MY HEAD so I can have quiet.

I just want quiet.

I just want silence and self-control and strength.  I just want to be thin and steel-ribbed with power behind my eyes and a skip in my step because I'm so light I could float on air.  I want to cry all the tears out and cut all the fat off and shine, thin thin thin thin thin thin......

Help me.  Oh God, help me before I go stark raving loony-bin MAD.

The Orange

THE ORANGE

by Wendy Cope

At lunchtime I bought a huge orange--
The size of it made us all laugh.
I peeled it and shared it with Robert and Dave--
They got quarters and I had a half.

And that orange, it made me so happy,
As ordinary things often do
Just lately. The shopping. A walk in the park.
This is peace and contentment. It's new.

The rest of the day was quite easy.
I did all the jobs on my list
And enjoyed them and had some time left over.
I love you. I'm glad I exist. 

weight goal numero uno: CHECK

I AM 100 POUNDS.

Lemme say it again.

I WEIGH
100
POUNDS.
BMI 17.7

Which means:  only 1 pound to double digits and 2 to GW2.

I am on a HIGH right here.  I was so strong last night, and life is going so well.  Boyfriend wants to take me to the beach and I might even say yes (BIKINIS OMG) because I'm feeling so good.

You girls are all an INSPIRATION to me and thank you soooo much for your comments; they always make my day <3  Peri especially - girl, you never fail to make me smile :)

I love you all!  Stay strong and think thin and you too can achieve your dreams!

Love,
Posie

hunger

Apparently, anything under 900 cal. a day is considered a starvation diet.

SO THAT'S WHY I FEEL LIKE I COULD GNAW MY OWN FINGERS OFF.

Dammit.

And there's gonna be cake tonight.

Buggggger.

and in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make

Gotta love the Beatles.

Nothing to do with this post, but anyhow...

I AM 101 POUNDS.
BMI 17.9
HECK YEAH!

Things is lookin' up.  I'm at 100 calories so far today not counting in the ones I burned at a mad-intense XC practice.  (Put it this way:  If I'd eaten anything beforehand, I would've puked.)  Yesterday I was at about 500ish calories for the day - went to a party!  With JUNK FOOD!  And didn't binge!  Actually, didn't eat ANYTHING!  Things are SO looking up.
Now if I can keep this up over today and tomorrow (another family party x_x) I'll be golden.  School starts Sept. 3 and I want to look amazing (read: skinny).

Thank you for the encouragement, beauties!

PS:  New blog look, w00t.  Summer's winding down here so I figured a change was in order.

going to hell in a handbasket...

...but at least I'm not going alone!

Thank you all so much for your support and love <3  I can't even imagine what I did without you before!  This kind of online community gets so much crap in the media and stuff, but honestly, I've never been anywhere with as much as love and support.  You guys are the BEST.  And Peri?  I hear purgatory IS very nice this time of year!  Let's go this weekend.

Sorry for all the whining, I'm just in a really bad place mentally and physically plateaued at 103 *sob/sigh*

Anyway, someone once asked me what my idea of hell was, and I said I didn't know.

I do now.

Hell?  Hell is eating a ton because your mother and family and friends and team and coach are watching you, and wanting to DIE or PUKE or SOMETHING because you're going insane, legitimately nuts, and having your head in the toilet but at the same time not wanting to screw yourself over again with that, cause if you start puking you can't stop it, ever, so you don't purge, and instead slash up your arms with the first sharp thing you lay hands on, and then lying to your boyfriend about the scars on your arms.

Knowing the whole time that you ARE insane and that there's something wrong with you, that this can't be normal, but YOU CAN'T STOP.

That's hell.

Sorry for the run-on sentence, haha :P

Much love,
Posie

if i know how guilty i'll feel, why can't i stop?

I was literally just kneeling on the bathroom floor with my fingers down my throat, and I didn't puke.

I could have done it, but I couldn't.

If I start that again, I'll never stop.

I'll die.

So I just get to feel like hell.

People talk about hell - ha.

They know nothing of hell.

Wintergirls

Note:  All of these posts are linked on the literature page as well.


WINTERGIRLS


Probably everyone who reads this blog has read or heard of this book - it's pretty much the ultimate ED book except for Wasted, as far as I know.  It also deals with cutting/SI - Laurie Halse Anderson's writing is as genius and great about the subject as ever, and this book is just AMAZING.  Everyone, not just people with EDs, should read this.


Some Favorite Quotes (some spoilers):
"So, she tells me, the words dribbling out with the cranberry muffin crumbs, commas dunked in her coffee." 
"I inscribe three lines, hush hush hush, into my skin. Ghosts trickle out."
"I started coming here after the first prison clinic stay because Dr. N. Parker is a scam artist specialist in crazy teenagers troubled adolescents. I opened my mouth during the first couple of visits and gave her a key to open my head. Ginormous mistake. She brought her lantern and a hard hat and lots of rope to wander through my caves. She laid land mines in my skull that detonated weeks later."
"Nobody should ever go to a funeral alone."
"I go up two flights and tiptoe across the polished floor of her bedroom, sloooooowly turn the doorknob, and open her bathroom door a crack. A breath of steam trickles out, filled with the sobs of a grown woman breaking into girl-sized pieces.  I close the door."
"I showed her how I'd been making tiny cuts in my skin to let the badness and the pain leak out. They were shallow at first, and short, like claw marks made by a desperate cat that wanted to hid under the front porch. Cutting pain was a different flavor of hurt. It made it easier not to think about having my body and my family and my life stolen, made it easier not to care...."
"My fingers reach through the screen and comb through the garbage until they find the home of the shrieking chorus, hungry girls singing endless anthems while our throats bleed and rust and fill up with loneliness. I could scroll through these songs for the rest of my life and never find the beginning."
"I'm stable enough to go home until then. They all say I'm stable.  I failed eating, failed drinking, failed not cutting myself into shreds. Failed friendship. Failed sisterhood and daughterhood. Failed mirrors and scales and phone calls.  Good thing I'm stable."
"I breathe in slowly. Food is life. I exhale, take another breath. Food is life. And that's the problem. When you're alive, people can hurt you. It's easier to crawl into a bone cage or a snowdrift of confusion. It's easier to lock everybody out.  But it's a lie."
"There is no magic cure, no making it all go away forever. There are only small steps upward; an easier day, an unexpected laugh, a mirror that doesn't matter anymore."
"Wreaths of pus-colored fat were suffocating my theighs, my butt and my belly, but they couldn't see them. They said my brain was shrinking. Electrical storms were lighting up on the inside of my skull. My tired liver was packing her suitcase. My kidneys were lost in a sandstorm. 85lbs was not enough stuffing for a paper girl. 85lbs was skin that wanted to be shed. 85lbs was fluffy monkey hair growing all over to keep me warm. They said I had to get fatter. But 85lbs makes me want 75lbs. To get there I'll need to crack open my bones with a sliver mallet and dig out marrow with a long-handled spoon."
"89lbs. I could say I'm excited, but that would be a lie. The number doesn't matter. If I got down to 70lbs, I'd want 65lbs. If I weighed 10lbs, I wouldn't be happy untill I got down to 5lbs. The only number that would ever be enough is 0. Zero pounds, zero life, size zero, double-zero, zero point. Zero in tennis is Love. I finally get it."
"Hundreds and hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of strange little girls screaming through their fingers. My patient sisters, always waiting for me. I scroll through our confessions and rants and prayers, desperation eating us one slow, bloody bite at a time."
"I am the library aide who hides in Fantasy. I am the circus freak encased in beeswax. I am the bones they want, wired on a porcelian frame."
"This girl shivers and crawls under the covers with all her clothes on and falls into an overdue library book, a faerie story with rats and marrow and burning curses. The sentances build a fence around her, a Times Roman 10-point baracade, to keep the thorny voices in her head from getting too close."
"I keep thinking that if I could just unzip my skin, step out of this body, then I would see who I really am."
"I need to run, to fly, beating my wings so hard I can't hear anything over the pounding of my heart. Rain, rain, rain, drowning me."
"Here stands a girl clutching a knife. There is grease on the stove, blood in the air, and angry words piled in the corners."
"Yesterdays dirt and mistakes have moved through me. I am shiny and pink inside, clean. Empty is good. Empty is strong."


And my personal favorite:
"Why? You want to know why? Step into a tanning booth and fry yourself for two or three days. After your skin bubbles and peels off, roll in coarse salt, then pull on long underwear woven from spun glass and razor wire. Over that goes your regular clothes, as long as they are tight. Smoke gunpowder and go to school to jump through the hoops, sit up and beg, and roll over on command. Listen to the whispers that curl into your head at night, calling you ugly and fat and stupid and bitch and whore and the worst of all: 'a disappointment.' Puke and starve and cut and drink because you need an anesthetic and it works. For a while. But then the anesthetic turns into poison and by then it's too late because you are mainlining it now, straight into your soul. It is rotting you and you can't stop. Look in a mirror and find a ghost. Hear every heartbeat, scream that everysinglething is wrong with you. 'Why?' is the wrong question. Ask 'Why not?'"


Yup, that last quote just about sums a lot of stuff up.

today is the first day of the rest of your life

I love that saying.
Saw it on a wall halfway up a 40 foot tower that I then jumped off of.

Nope, not suicide - rappelling!

Lemme tell you...
ADRENALINE RUSH :D


I might be an addict, teehee!  To adrenaline, that is.  Runner's high, anyone?

Anywho.  Sorry for whining so much yesterday, that was a bad day.  Today, on the other hand, is the FIRST day of the rest of my life and it's going awesome.
I worked my BUTT off at XC and have only eaten fruit and drank water so far today.
Will post more probably soon, just an update.
Love you beauties,
Posie

PS:  10 followers!  Wow!  I am so honored :)  Thanks guys <3

cupcakes of doom

>_<

Bugger cupcakes, bugger bugger bugger.

I'm so depressed from yesterday.

106 pounds.

REALLY?  FRICKIN' REALLY?

I'm going to go cry and not eat anything now.

Hope you're doing better than I am,

Posie

PS:  Had to skip practice today for community service.  Will hopefully have time to run later, on my own.  Bugger.

Looking for Alaska

Note:  Another lit. post!  Thank you so much for the awesome response to the Wallflower one.


LOOKING FOR ALASKA


Another must-read for every teenager, John Green's story of a boy named Miles and a girl named Alaska is heart-wrenching, touching...  simply amazing.  


Some Favorite Quotes (some spoilers):
"When adults say, "Teenagers think they are invincible" with that sly, stupid smile on their faces, they don't know how right they are. We need never be hopeless, because we can never be irreparably broken. We think that we are invincible because we are. We cannot be born, and we cannot die. Like all energy, we can only change shapes and sizes and manifestations. They forget that when they get old. They get scared of losing and failing. But that part of us greater than the sum of our parts cannot begin and cannot end, and so it cannot fail." 
"The only way out of the labyrinth of suffering is to forgive." 
"You can love someone so much...But you can never love people as much as you can miss them."
"So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was a hurricane." 
"Imagining the future is a kind of nostalgia. (...) You spend your whole life stuck in the labyrinth, thinking about how you'll escape it one day, and how awesome it will be, and imagining that future keeps you going, but you never do it. You just use the future to escape the present." 
"Thomas Edison's last words were 'It's very beautiful over there'. I don't know where there is, but I believe it's somewhere, and I hope it's beautiful." 
"He was gone, and I did not have time to tell him what I had just now realized: that I forgave him, and that she forgave us, and that we had to forgive to survive in the labyrinth. There were so many of us who would have to live with things done and things left undone that day. Things that did not go right, things that seemed okay at the time because we could not see the future. If only we could see the endless string of consequences that result from our smallest actions. But we can’t know better until knowing better is useless. And as I walked back to give Takumi’s note to the Colonel, I saw that I would never know. I would never know her well enough to know her thoughts in those last minutes, would never know if she left us on purpose. But the not-knowing would not keep me from caring, and I would always love Alaska Young, my crooked neighbor, with all my crooked heart." 
"Francois Rabelais. He was a poet. And his last words were "I go to seek a Great Perhaps." That's why I'm going. So I don't have to wait until I die to start seeking a Great Perhaps." 
"When I look at my room, I see a girl who loves books." 
"At some point, you just pull off the Band-Aid, and it hurts, but then it's over and you're relieved." 
"I may die young, but at least I'll die smart." 
"I try to live life so that I can live with myself." 
"I found myself thinking about President William McKinley, the third American president to be assassinated. He lived for several days after he was shot, and towards the end, his wife started crying and screaming, "I want to go too! I want to go too!" And with his last measure of strength, McKinley turned to her and spoke his last words: "We are all going." 
"And then something invisible snapped insider her, and that which had come together commenced to fall apart." 
"I was born into Bolívar's labyrinth, and so I must believe in the hope of Rabelais' Great Perhaps." 


Too put it simply:  you should read it.

The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Note:  I decided to have the literature page just be a list of must-reads, listens, etc.  Each item on the list will have its own post.  

THE PERKS OF BEING A WALLFLOWER

This is a FANTASTIC novel.  By Stephen Chbosky, it's about a wonderful boy named Charlie.  Nothing to do with EDs, but a must-read for everyone nonetheless.

Some Favorite Quotes (some spoilers): 
"So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be."
"We accept the love we think we deserve."
"I feel infinite."
"I think it was the first time in my life I ever felt like I looked "good". Do you know what I mean? That nice feeling when you look in the mirror, and your hair's right for the first time in your life? I don't think we should base so much on weight, muscles, and a good hair day, but when it happens, it's nice. It really is."
"I don't know if you've ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That's why I'm trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning."
"Everyone else is either asleep or having sex. I've been watching cable television and eating jello."
"But because things change. And friends leave. And life doesn’t stop for anybody."
"Once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines

he wrote a poem

And he called it "Chops"

because that was the name of his dog

And that's what it was all about

And his teacher gave him an A

and a gold star

And his mother hung it on the kitchen door

and read it to his aunts

That was the year Father Tracy

took all the kids to the zoo

And he let them sing on the bus

And his little sister was born

with tiny toenails and no hair

And his mother and father kissed a lot

And the girl around the corner sent him a

Valentine signed with a row of X's

and he had to ask his father what the X's meant

And his father always tucked him in bed at night

And was always there to do it

Once on a piece of white paper with blue lines
 he wrote a poem
And he called it "Autumn"
 because that was the name of the season
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
 and asked him to write more clearly
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
 because of its new paint
And the kids told him
 that Father Tracy smoked cigars
And left butts on the pews
And sometimes they would burn holes
That was the year his sister got glasses
 with thick lenses and black frames
And the girl around the corner laughed
 when he asked her to go see Santa Claus
And the kids told him why
 his mother and father kissed a lot
And his father never tucked him in bed at night
And his father got mad
 when he cried for him to do it.

Once on a paper torn from his notebook
 he wrote a poem
And he called it "Innocence: A Question"
 because that was the question about his girl
And that's what it was all about
And his professor gave him an A
 and a strange steady look
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
 because he never showed her
That was the year that Father Tracy died
And he forgot how the end
 of the Apostle's Creed went
And he caught his sister
 making out on the back porch
And his mother and father never kissed
 or even talked
And the girl around the corner
 wore too much makeup
That made him cough when he kissed her
 but he kissed her anyway
 because that was the thing to do
And at three a.m. he tucked himself into bed
 his father snoring soundly

That's why on the back of a brown paper bag
 he tried another poem
And he called it "Absolutely Nothing"
Because that's what it was really all about
And he gave himself an A
 and a slash on each damned wrist
And he hung it on the bathroom door
 because this time he didn't think
 he could reach the kitchen."

I think that poem just about says it all.  This is a powerful, beautifully written, life-changing book.