love, hugs, and kisses. and bikinis.

Roight.

Big post coming, READY!?

First of all.  I'm at 101, dammit.  But this will come off by FRIDAY, OR I WILL CUT IT OFF I SWEAR.

Ahem.

So, I went to the beach with Boyfriend today.  And wore a bikini (with skulls on it - thought that was appropriate haha).  And he told me (repeatedly) how beautiful/hot/sexy/gorgeous/etc. I am.  And kissed me as he held me in the ocean (rather painfully romantic, non?), and told me again...  SO WHY CAN'T I BELIEVE HIM?  It was...  disastrous, but he doesn't know that, because it was only disastrous in my freakin' screwed up mind.  At least HE had a good time...  (and alright, my hormones sure enjoyed it, but my BRAIN?  'Nother story.)

I KNOW, like I understand, that I have a smokin' hot body, because dammit after 3-4 hours of exercise a DAY and a diet that basically consists of starvation and fruit/veggies, it better be bangin', but I can't see it.  I look in the mirror and see a fat whale and I think, a few more pounds.  A few more pounds.  A few more pounds lost and I'll be light enough to float away to the quiet of the sky...  So, new goal.  At 98, I will overcome my fear of pictures and post one of me, for you all to see.  (Btw 11 followers!  Thanks!)

But what I want to know is what kind of fucked up brain sits in my head, when a 5'3" girl weighing 101 lbs and running 7+ miles a day plus 1-2 MORE hours of exercise sees herself as a disgusting FAT ASS.

BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT I AM, duh.  At least, that's what I see looking back at me in the mirror.

It's SICK how much my life revolves around mirrors and scales.  Sick.

Plus, he noticed my arms.  Dammmmmn.  I passed it off as running into a thorn bush at practice, but he's suspicious.

PBBBBBTTHHHHH, is what I say.  Mental brain fart.

Today - very good calorie wise.  About 600, methinks.  Ran 6 miles at practice varsity time plus sprints and some swimming, and after I post this I'm off to do some weights and abs for about 40 minutes, and biking or walking after that if my poor tired legs are up to it.

Coach had a nutritionist come tell us what to eat and when and all that stuff - I just laughed to myself.  I know more about this kind of thing than he did!  Maybe a viable, if ironic, career goal?  Hmm.

Now, about my last post.  Guys, you made my day a thousand times over, and I'm sending you love and hugs through the internet.  Your comments were the BEST.  I shall reply!

Peri:  Nope, nothing terribly exciting - oral surgery for my gums haha :)

Believe&&Lose:  Aww, girl :(  *sends a huge hug*  I'm so sorry about the family stuff; that really stinks.  Try to think of it as motivation!  My mother is hyper-alert to everything I eat and how much I exercise and whatnot - it's a daily struggle to hide my psychosis, but worth it.  I think.  But anyway, your long comment MADE MY DAY and totally inspired me!  Feel amazing about yourself for that!  :D  You say your sis is always trying to one-up you?  I have the same issue with my cousin - she's a better anoretic than me, if there is such a thing :P  We're best friends and worst rivals at the same time!  I do cross stuff off lists all the time, it's really therapeutic to know you've accomplished something.  Thinspiration is always a great way to pass the not-eating time!  Yes, I've had duck meat!  (And I personally hate sushi, idk why...)  I don't recommend it, it's pretty much stringy chicken.  Very odd.  Thank you so much for saying my HW is lucky!  I'm really naturally a tiny person, I just want to be TINIER, and 112 was like...  unnatural.  Disgusting, imo.  My doctor firmly told me at 112 to not lose a pound, gain if I could - DON'T MAKE ME LAUGH haha I'm down 11-12 pounds and (hopefully!) counting :)  Next physical in February will be br00tal.  I'll be murdered.  Whatever, worry about it when the times comes...  And don't think of it as you've ONLY lost 7 pounds, think of it as 7 pounds closer to thin!  You can do ANYTHING you put your mind too.  And trust me, I know how much it sucks to be bigger than your bf.  Mine is really tall but insanely skinny muscular as well, it's depressing =/  At least he can pick me up no problem!  If not, I'd die :P  And I WANTED to reply to your wonderful comment!  It did help, so much :)  I have read Wintergirls, it's one of my all time faves; I've read it like 15 times.  My favorite quote is actually at the bottom of the blog and I wrote a post about it, check it here or on the literature page:
http://ashes-and-ashes.blogspot.com/2010/08/wintergirls.html
Anyway, replying to this gave me something to do as well!  Thank you ever so much again; you truly made my day <3  Love you!

Love to EVERYONE!  We can do this!  Think thin!

Posie <3