lucidity

Lucidity...?
To explain:

I weigh a solid 89, as of this morning.

To give myself a little pick me up, 'cause this has been one of THOSE weeks so far, I decided to wear a new outfit I'd been saving.  Black skinny jeans, dark grey ankle boots, dark grey tank top, light gray sweater/cover thing and fun new earrings.  (Not sure if I've mentioned this, but I am an earring FREAK.  I have four piercings and I wear earrings every day.  Love them.)  So I'm feeling pretty nice, go to school, get tons of compliments on the outfit, blahblahblah...

Then this one girl, who I use as total thinspiration - she's gorgeous - told me I looked "ridiculously skinny."  I do my usual smile/thanks/avoid subject, but it was a great self-esteem booster, ya know?  So next period, I go to the bathroom and happen to look in the mirror; I usually avoid it.

And HOLY MOLY - I WAS THIN.  I actually stopped in my tracks and stared at my reflection.  It was like some switch had been flipped in my brain and I was afraid to move lest I see the fat again...

As a writer, I tend to describe everything around me in my head as if I was writing it.  I never, ever describe myself positively, as you probably guessed.  But at that moment, I saw beauty.  (And I'm not at all asking for compliments here; I'm just recounting the weirdness of it all.)  I have brown/gold hair and it was looking awesome today, my eye-makeup picked up the blue/green of my eyes perfectly, my cheekbones looked even higher and more accented than normal, my lips were full and lovely, my neck was long and came down to an elegant collarbone, my arms were thin and graceful with bony wrists and long thin fingers, my waist tiny, my hip bones poking out through the tank, my thighs didn't (and don't!) touch when I stand with my knees together...  it was amazing.  I was astonished.  I was transfixed.

I had to PEE.

And when I looked in the mirror again, it was gone.  It was bizarre.  I'm thinking it came from all this contemplation of how screwed up my best friend and I actually are...  I can't bring myself to tell anyone on her.  It'd just make me a hypocrite, because I'm just as much of a mess and I don't want help, and I'd kill her if she told on me.  So...  yeah.

We'll just carry on being screw-ups together.

I had other stuff to tell you girls, but of course I don't remember it now.  Anyway, hope everyone is having a lovely day.  Love you all, and thanks so much again for all the support.  You girls ROCK.