busy weekend update

For once, I'm actually having a *gasp* social life this weekend.

I went to a party for an old friend last night...  I've been hanging out with only my anorexic/bulimic best friend lately, and I'd forgotten how much normal people eat.  It's actually sickening.  I was soooo soooo sooo socially awkward, turning down food right and left =/  I felt so bad that I ended up eating shit.  Which just made me feel a gazillion times worse.  I hate me :(  Thankfully, the only really unhealthy thing I ate (at the hibachi place we went to I basically only ate some of the the soup/veggies and a small bit of rice/noodles/tuna) was a tiny piece of *wince* ice cream cake.  They didn't even ask if I wanted it!  Just handed it to me!  Social graces dictated I eat it.  >.<

Buggerbuggerbugger.  Ughhhhhh.  ;alskdfja;lskdjfa ;lskdor;ieu s;flsdkj  HATRED OF SELF.  This sucks.

Anyway, I maintained, THANK HEAVENS.  Still 86 pounds this morning.

A family party tonight for my cousin who's anorexic.  So both of us will be competing to eat less and get away with it (our family = food people.  They hate people who don't eat.) while making the other person eat and it will be so awkward that we'll both up end binging, like always.  BUT NOT TODAY.  I refuse.

Dear God, help me.  I can't have a breakdown.  I need to see 85 sometime next week.  Preferably TOMORROW but I know I won't have time today to work off whatever I do have to eat today and did eat yesterday.

I will be strong.  My ribs and stomach and mouth will be skinny strong steel, and I'll smile and say no, thank you, I already ate I'm not hungry I'll have some later.

I need to be.
I have to be.
I will be.

Think of me.  Hope for me.  I'll catch up on blogs later this weekend.