We're all mad here. But me? I - I am going insane.
In complete seriousness, I'm terrified that I'm actually going mad. Padded white walls mental. You can read this blog and see my life and watch my mental state utterly deteriorate. I'm afraid to weigh myself, to look in a mirror, to eat too much, to stop exercising for even one moment, to admit that I need help, but at the same time, I NEED to know how much I weigh, I need to look in a mirror and make sure that a binge didn't blow me up to the size of a whale, I need to eat to live, I need to do other things with my life, I NEED SOMEONE to notice what I'm doing and tell me I need help because Dear God I NEED HELP. I want to be so skinny that someone drags me to a doctor and locks me up so they can fucking fix me but it'll never work, because I'll never be skinny enough.
Lia was right. Zero in tennis is love. I finally get it. I'm too far away from zero to love myself.
I'm chalking this ENTIRE FUCKING WEEKEND up to "See, she ate a shit-ton, she can't be anorexic!" Because people have been asking questions.
And we can't have questions without looking for answers.
Does anyone, anyone, truly have an answer? Because I need one.
Or I'll go mad.
love you arent crazy, you're just upset and trust me - we have all felt like this, well i know i have and i/ we are all here for you no matter what ok?
ReplyDeleteyou will be happy, you will be a 0, all it takes is some time and through this we are here every step of the way.
xoxo
aw sweetie! have you googled near by anorexia/eating disorder support groups.. it could help. I was gonna go to one but I was afraid.. You'll make it through.. Lia did.
ReplyDeletePosie, I'm catching up with you my love and it's making me so sad to see you unhappy like this. Maybe you should just embrace the madness :) Start talking to your cat and scaring little kids? Thought not haha.
ReplyDeleteYou are categorically NOT mad. You are ill. You are tired. You are stressed. (You might not be anymore I still have to catch up!)
I'm here and I love you xxxx