2012

Please be good to us.

What are everybody's resolutions?

how can a heart

feel so much joy, and so much pain, at the same time?

Somedays I swear my heart is breaking.  And others, I swear I could fly.

I want someone to fix me, because I don't think I can do it myself.

happy holidays

How's everyone doing?

my boy is home

:)

The endless cycle of craziness in my head only stops around him.

excuse me while i say some things that need to be said

Excuse me while I fucking relapse, bitch.  You know what I've been through, what I go through every day, and you do THIS?  Fuck you.  Fuck you, and your fucking wannarexia, and your fucking false diagnosis.  We both know that if anyone deserves that label, it's me.  We both know that you WANT it, and I don't.  You and your fucking need to be better than everyone, and I'm sorry, but not this.  This is MINE.

Bitch, you'll be crying when I beat you.

It's on.  It's fucking on.

Fuck.  You.

Sorry for the profanity :P  I hate cursing, it's not ladylike, but sometimes it's gotta come out.  This is a horrible rant.  Bitch, if you for some bizarre reason, read this, I don't really mean it.  Most of it.  I think.
Anyway.


Isobel - we are going to do this together, NOW.  No more waiting.  You in, love?  


<3

smile

because you're alive.

battle

it's like a battlefield in here, inside my head

and i don't know which side is winning, or which side is losing

but most importantly, i don't know which side is the good guys

and which is the bad.

can someone explain to me

what is broken, in my head?

I remember clearly how miserable and depressed I was when I "too skinny."  I was cold, always cold.  Miserable.  Helpless.

Why do I want to go back to that?  Help?

help!

Ok, girls, help me, please!

I need to get Boy a Christmas gift, and it has to be INCREDIBLE and Fantastic and Wonderful AMAZING.
He always gets me the most heartfelt, beautiful, meaningful gifts, and I want to do the same for him.
But I have no ideas!  So I ask for help - ideas?

He likes music and classic books and weird, nerd things and hockey and math and me and hand written letters and funny stories and true love and cuddling and things like this.

WHAT SHOULD I GET HIM?

yearning

All my life, my heart has yearned for a thing I cannot name.

~Andre Breton

you are more than

You are more than...

http://youaremorethan.tumblr.com/

What are YOU more than?

sometimes i wonder...

...why do I bother?  Why do I go on, day after day after day after day?

Why?

And then I remember that it's for you, and for him, and for them, and for the smile I put on a stranger's face when I say, "Hi!  I hope you're having a beautiful day."And for the feel of snow on my upturned face, and for mittens, and for holding hands, and for kisses on my nose, and my head on his chest, and his songs, and his eyes, and for waiting for Christmas, and then spring, and then summer and the feel of bare feet and cool swimming pools and then fall and the turning of time, that heals all things.And for the "I love you"s, and the "Thank you for everything"s, and for the "You're the best friend I have", and for the feeling when she doesn't swallow those pills, and when he doesn't take a knife to his wrists, for the remembrance that other people need me, like I need them.

It is for these things.

Remember this, today.

the last straw

That's it.


I'm getting skinny again.


I don't care what it takes.


WHO'S WITH ME?

i am sick

but not puking/no-appetite sick.

All I am is miserable.

*sigh*

There is no justice.

How are all of you?

december

please be good to me

114 followers

!?!?!?

My God, girls.  You honor me.  What did I ever do to deserve this many?  I'm a lame-ass blogger and a crappy role model.  But truly, thank you.

Thank you to each one of you, stay strong, meet your goals, but most importantly, be happy.

Love you.

Posie

thanksgiving

My boy comes home tomorrow :)  I can't wait!

Have a wonderful holiday to those celebrating.

To those not, lucky you, missing all the gluttony!  But still find something to be thankful for, yeah?

What are you thankful for?

more irony

Applying to colleges as a Nutrition and Dietetics major.

Specializing in ED Therapy.

Maybe someday, I can help someone like you or me.

Or maybe it's all just the universe's way to laugh at me, haha.

today

I helped a friend design a healthy meal plan/exercise routine in order for her to lose some weight, the healthy way.  An appropriate number of calories per day, all the vitamins and crap that they say you need, moderate exercise, the whole nine yards.

Ohhhhh the irony.  It kills.

How will I ever go into nutrition and dietetics at this rate?

busy

I'm here and alive!

Just so incredibly busy.

How do I find the time to binge?


Must be perfect again - SOON.

anniversary

A year ago today, I posted this.

I don't know what to do anymore.

Help me?

do not go gentle into that good night

DO NOT GO GENTLE INTO THAT GOOD NIGHT
by Dylan Thomas


Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

twinkle, twinkle, little bat

How I wonder where I'm at?
Up above the world so high,
Like a tea tray in the sky.

~Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, by Lewis Carroll

happy halloween

Happy Halloween, lovelies.

Do try to enjoy yourself, yes?

You are all on my heart and mind, and I wish you the best.

Love, Posie

we hurt the outside

to try to kill the inside.

Comment if you self-harm, I want to follow you.

this girl is my inspiration - someday i will be like her

http://findingthinagain.tumblr.com/

how

how do i lose weight?

how do i lose if i can't run?

how do i stay sane if i can't run?

how can i run again?

how do i stop cutting?

how do i stop burning?

how do i hide it when i do?


how can i learn to be okay?

lovely mental naivety

The first three words you find describe you.

I find lovely, mental, and naive.

You?

disappear

i want to disappear

light airy floating bones feathers wings bird flying

delicate


like a soap bubble - so beautiful, people are afraid to touch it


in case it breaks


in case i break.

have you smiled today?

I hope you have.

Let me know how you all are?

that awkward moment
when someone asks to borrow
one of your hair ties
and you have to say no
even though you have
five on one wrist
because you need them
not for your hair
but to cover up
the marks
of your own self hatred.

105 warning

105 followers.  Truly, I am honored.  And noticing that improved my day, a bit.  So thank you.

But.  A word of warning.

To anyone not yet caught up in this hell?

get. out. now.

I mean it.

You think EDs are glamorous?  Will make you skinny pretty happy?

Lies.

You try looking/feeling/being glamorous with your head down the toilet, the knife to your arm, the laxatives when they take effect.  Passing out in the halls, never having a social life cause you're terrified to eat.  Your loved ones crying.

This is not glamorous, and this WILL NOT MAKE YOU HAPPY.  I promise.

But another but:  I love you all.  And I support you in whatever you decide.

Love,
Posie

badge of honor? badge of horror, more like it

Apparently, I ran myself so hard that I literally fractured bones in my legs.

My team thinks it's awesome - so hardcore!  6 weeks off minimum to recover, sweet deal!

Um, no.

I'm in shock.  I am going to lose it.

I really am.

why?

Why do we do this to ourselves?

What do you think?

//edit:  starting tomorrow, every single thing that enters my mouth will be recorded here.  i will keep me honest.  i swear it.

perfection

You think I have this perfect life.

Perfect life, perfect grades, perfect friends, perfect family, perfect boyfriend, perfect perfect perfect.

You don't know that my perfect grades are slipping, my perfect friends are actually cutters and suicidal and bulimics and anorexics, my perfect family is worried sick about me, my perfect boyfriend saw the cuts on my hips the other night, the cuts that I made myself, and that I spend my every day chasing it.

Chasing perfection.

The thing about perfection?  No one's perfect.

Starvingbleedingdying to be perfect.

together

WE ARE GOING TO LOSE WEIGHT!

We will be skinny and gorgeous and unstoppable and strong and admired and simply the best.

Together, girls, we will do this.

I know it.

Who's with me?

explanations

I am terribly sorry that I'm such a crap blogger.

A brief word of explanation:  I am a senior in high school, taking four college classes and two other honors classes.  I have a GPA of 5.1, and am ranked second in my class of nearly 700 students.  I am a two season athlete (xc and spring track), president of my school's community service club, assistant editor of our newspaper, and am currently applying to eight different colleges as well as numerous financial aid/merit scholarships.

I do not tell you this to brag, I tell you this to explain my sorry lack of posting.  I am, quite simply, too busy!  My life is insanity.

On the weight loss front:  I eat enough to function well enough to keep up all of the above.  My weight is disgusting; I am disgusting, and I wish that were an exaggeration, but it's not.  At all.  I think I weigh about 105 pounds.  Can we all say NASTY FAT ASS together? But I would be more disgusting if I failed at the above.  So.  I don't know what to do.

On the cutting front:  It's a lot.  Thank heavens for colder weather and long sleeves.  Also boyfriend found out.  Shitshitshit.

On the cold front (haha):  IT'S SO COLD HERE.  I'm miserable.  I miss summer.

Update me in the comments on all of you?  I miss Blogger and my girls.

Love love love,
Posie

PS:  Britni Marie - Wicked is DEFINITELY a must see - simply AMAZING!

shout out!

to Britni Marie and Tempest!  Check out their lovely blogs.

I love Wicked.

Good job girls, stay strong.

one question haunts and hurts

too much, too much to mention
was i really seeking good
or just seeking attention?

whoever comments first with what this is a quote from gets a shout out from me to my 102 followers - love youuu

for it is only when

the night is darkest, that we can see the stars.

Keep your heads up, gals.  We can beat this thing.  I love you all.

hard to fail

It is hard to fail, but it worse never to have tried to succeed.

 ~Theodore Roosevelt

ever seen your boyfriend cry?

18

Tomorrow is my 18th birthday.

I will legally be an adult in this country.  Old enough to vote, to fight, to make my own decisions.

Can I decide to lose this [horrendously disgusting] weight?

Happy birthday to me.

never have i ever

Give me a fact about you!

Never have you ever...?

Never have I ever: told Boyfriend about my cutting.
But I'm afraid he's going to find out this weekend.
Also I am still a fatass.  Disgustingly so.  

a thin layer

will i never be normal?

i feel like i live my life from the wrong side of the mirror - there's a thin layer of glass between me and the rest of the world.

and no matter what i do, i can't (won't?) break it.

more like it

raced today, 3 seconds off my PR

(that's personal record for you non-runners - although i can't understand not running, running is the most amazing feeling/thing/activity everr)

w00t.  i can do that.  now i just gotta stop being a fatass!

if only it was that simple haha.

slip up

I slipped up today, ate too much lunch.  Fail.

But on the plus side, I ran 7 miles, fast.

So I guess it evens out.

I'll just have to try to eat lesslessless at dinner.

Hopefully this weekend a REAL update!

all i want to do

is starve, and bleed.

Is that so much to ask?  Can they not let me be?

Leave me in peace, world.

I just want to be alone.

update

I haven't weighed in more than a week, but I can feel the difference.
My thigh gap is maybe a few days from back, I eat an egg white for breakfast, an apple for lunch, and whatever I have to stuff in at dinner to keep the family off my back.
I have my control back :)
Boy comes in less than 2 weeks - I won't be under 95, because I am a fatass failure, but by golly, next time I see him?
I'll be there and lower.
How are you all?

9/11/01

Never. Forget.

fat lard

can't even run a proper XC race at her old times

i hate me

shame

Telling you girls this is motivation for me to get my fat ass in gear and start losing faster.

My lovely thigh gap has been lost.  Just at the top.  But still.

Unacceptable - I can feel my legs touch when I run.  Can't have that.  Fatfatfat.

I haven't weighed since Tuesday, when (more motivation here) I was *wince* 107 lbs.

Disgusting, I know.  But I've definitely lost since then.  I'll feel better when I'm back in the double digits.  I have til the weekend of the 23rd when Boy comes home.

Must. Be. Perfect.

school started today

and I'm BACK IN THE GAME, BITCHES.

Ended today in the negatives.  W00t!

Too bad I'm too ashamed of my CW to even tell you.  But not for long.

Real update soon.

you never come back, not all the way

"You never come back, not all the way. Always there is an odd distance between you and the people you love and the people you meet, a barrier thin as the glass of a mirror, you never come all the way out of the mirror; you stand, for the rest of your life, with one foot in this world and one in another, where everything is upside down and backward and sad." 

~Marya Hornbacher, Wasted

ever so easy to go

"And so I went through the looking glass, stepped into the netherworld, where up is down and food is greed, where convex mirrors cover the walls, where death is honor and flesh is weak. It is ever so easy to go. Harder to find your way back." 

~Marya Hornbacher, Wasted

anyone lived in a pretty how town

anyone lived in a pretty how town
by e. e. cummings

anyone lived in a pretty how town (with up so floating many bells down) spring summer autumn winter he sang his didn't he danced his did Women and men(both little and small) cared for anyone not at all they sowed their isn't they reaped their same sun moon stars rain children guessed(but only a few and down they forgot as up they grew autumn winter spring summer) that noone loved him more by more when by now and tree by leaf she laughed his joy she cried his grief bird by snow and stir by still anyone's any was all to her someones married their everyones laughed their cryings and did their dance (sleep wake hope and then)they said their nevers they slept their dream stars rain sun moon (and only the snow can begin to explain how children are apt to forget to remember with up so floating many bells down) one day anyone died i guess (and noone stooped to kiss his face) busy folk buried them side by side little by little and was by was all by all and deep by deep and more by more they dream their sleep noone and anyone earth by april wish by spirit and if by yes. Women and men(both dong and ding) summer autumn winter spring reaped their sowing and went their came sun moon stars rain

Richard Cory

RICHARD CORY
by Edwin Arlington Robinson

Whenever Richard Cory went down town, 
We people on the pavement looked at him: 
He was a gentleman from sole to crown, 
Clean-favoured and imperially slim. 

And he was always quietly arrayed, 
And he was always human when he talked; 
But still he fluttered pulses when he said, 
"Good Morning!" and he glittered when he walked. 

And he was rich, yes, richer than a king, 
And admirably schooled in every grace: 
In fine -- we thought that he was everything 
To make us wish that we were in his place. 

So on we worked and waited for the light, 
And went without the meat and cursed the bread, 
And Richard Cory, one calm summer night, 
Went home and put a bullet in his head. 

september rules

Never eat alone.

If possible, just DON'T EAT.

Never eat after 8pm.

Any other ideas for me?

can i just sound like an ungrateful bitch for one minute

'cause you girls [hopefully] won't judge me?

Refugee food?  (I don't know what else to call it)

MY GOD IT IS TERRIBLE FOR YOU AND I AM FAT.

I mean it this time.

Actual update to come, but I'm alive.

So there's that.

hurricane apologies

very quick post

hurricane hitting my area, evacuations and everything

i am still fat

but alive, so hey...

hope you're all safe if anyone else is in its path

love

8/24/11

Sorry for the posting spam.  I'm a little... crazy, today.

weight: 99-100 lbs

input: disgusting

output: not enough

net: nasty nasty fat fat

At least it only takes one day like this to set me back on track.  I'm going to regret it tomorrow when I'm a massive disgusting whale.

I've been rereading my posts from last fall.  I need to get to those weights again.  I NEED to.

Oh, ps: that awkward moment when you realize you'll never be able to wear a bikini (even if you had the guts to) because your hips are so covered in cuts/scars.

Fun times.

new rule

Never, never, never eat alone.

When applicable/possible, fake it.  Dirty dishes, the whole lot.  Just don't actually eat.

Never eat alone.

I can do that.  Once it's a "rule," that I've made, I can't break it.

I won't.

I can't.

so, pretty much i just fail

all the time.

Y/Y?

There isn't a "no" option to that one.  Apparently.  Sadly.

200th post

W00T! 200, wow...  That's a lot.  and 96 followers!  Love you guys.


weight: 100-101 lbs

input: ~1000 cal

output: ~550 cal

net: ~450 cal

On a roll.

Drop me some comments, encouragement!

earthquake

We just had aftershocks from an earthquake where I live.

WILLLLLLLD.

8/22/11

weight: 102 pounds, BMI 18.1

input: ~1000 cal

output: ~700 cal

net total: ~300 cal

meh.  But if I keep it up and get my intake down, I'll be rockin' this goal.

It's good to have goals.  I wasn't even tempted today, everything that I ate someone forced me to.

How are you all?

reverse thinspo

click HERE if you really need some motivation

although be warned, you might throw up in your mouth.  i practically did!

boyfriend

left for college today.

I'm going to miss him.  So, so much.

So here's my goal.  I'll [hopefully] see him in late September.

By that time, I MUST be under 95 pounds.

I know, it's a small goal.  But at least now I have something to strive for, eh?

So whaddya think?  Can I do it?

what do you find?

i find:
fat, sap, and sad

Well now.

cross country

started today.

God bless cross country, because without it I would be UTTERLY mad.

Insaner than I already am!

running=love.

Today was an easy day, and we ran 5 miles and then lifted for half hour and then striders to finish up.

Oh, how I have missed this, and my teammates!

Lovelovelove.  Smiles.

95

95 followers - honored.

truly - thank you!

but to those who have a chance:

Do not let this hell become your life.

i'm begging you.  please.  please.

please.

a rant to you [who will never see this]

I fucking hate you sometimes.  You do realize that I'm going to win, don't you?  YOU made this a contest.  All I wanted, or at least, what I thought I wanted, was to get better.  YOU ruined it.  This is YOUR faultfaultfault and I SWEAR, I am going to win.  You want to get to 95 pounds?  So help me God, I will get to 90.  You get to 90?  I'll get to 80.  I've been there before, at 82, featherthinlightairy dying.  And I hope you can damn well fucking live with yourself whenif this kills me.
I fucking hope you can look in the mirror and not see a goddamn murderer.   I hope whenif I die, you can look my boyfriend, my family, my REAL friends in the face and say "I'm sorry, it was I.  I killed her. Me, me, me."
Because it's fucking all about you, isn't it.

two speeds

starve or binge.

Middle ground?  What's that?

I miss it.

I do.

What about you girls?

fat

i am
fatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfat.

why don't you all see it?  you girls here and my family and friends and boyfriend in real life?
am i the only one?  the only one who thinks that to eat is to fail?
eating=failure.
there doesn't seem to be another option.  or i don't believe there is.
or something.
so confused.
so sick of people forcing me to eat.

so i was skinny once!  november.  that was then, this is now, now is time to lose.
82 pounds lightairyfeathersflyingaway
nothing
 holding
  me
   down

now i am 100 pounds of disgust.
and it must change.
and they must stop making me eat.
in a little more than a month i will turn 18.  i will be a legal adult.

and i will be thin again.
so help me, i will.

tis me

This is me.

96-98 pounds.

Be honest, it's GROSS.  I need to lose 8 pounds and get to 90, stat.  It's gonna be so hard though with people and Boyfriend.  Once school starts.  Anyway.

I was just bored so I took some pictures.

Also my hair is not greasy, it's wet from being outside in the rain haha

Sorry for the horrendously crappy edit job, I'm really paranoid about people finding me haha =P

Love you girls.

Dreams are for rookies, kid. ~Phil, Disney's Hercules

This is a selfish, selfish disease.

  God help us all.

What do you do when you know you have a problem, but you don't want to are too afraid to don't even know what to do to fix it?

Is there anyone who can fix my eyesbrainmouthSELF?

Because it isn't me.

I asked you your dreams.

My dream?

My dream is to be able to hold my head high.  To not hate the girl in the mirror.  To be healthy.  Happy. Skinnythinbeautiful??

To look people in the eye and not see the sadness when they know how broken I truly am.

But dreams are for rookies, kid.

And life is a nightmare.

hypocrite

You fucking hypocrite.

Make this a contest, will you?

Encourage my recovery, applaud my [disgusting] weight gain, all the while doing it yourself?  Your fucking hypocritical ugly self?

Don't you see what you've become?  A faker.  You never had an eating disorder and you don't know this hell that I live every. single. day.

and

I
swear
that
I
will

WIN.

nothing to report

I'm just... stuck.

Get me off this merry-go-round, this sick, twisted ride.


Help me.


I don't need help, I'm strong.

...Aren't I?

dreams

What's YOUR dream?

answer in the comments. i really want to know.

heat wave rant

i'm working as a camp counselor.


today was a record high temperature for where i live.


every time i stood up to do something with the kids, i saw black.  nearly passed out at least 12 times.


i've been in the negative calories for the past 4 days.


96 pounds.


one of the other counselors told my mother i haven't been eating lunch.


she made me eat today.


i ran, to get rid of it.  but i can't run enough.

heathotsweat pass out

i can't pass out.  then they'll really know.


can't let them know.  can't let them know.  Boyfriend would have that look in his eyes.  he can't know.

fatfatfatfat.  

[i ate an egg white, a banana, some peanut butter.  whatever she makes me eat for dinner.]


[ran a 5K.  a 10K yesterday.  yesterday was -161 calories.]


[that's all.]


still.


fat.

story time

Hello, girls.

I'm back from the land of real people, for an actual post!

I've managed to get a job, sorry I've been so scarce lately.

Anyway, I believe I owe y'all a bit of an update, and a story, and especially thanks to Ayden, for the award!

I hereby bestow this award on the first 8 people to comment on this post.  (This is where I cross my fingers that 8 people actually comment, haha, c'mon, don't be such strangers!  84 followers and I max out at like 3 comments??  Lame, girls.  Plus, you'll get the award!  Anyway.)

Storytime.  It won't be very good, I'm rushed.  Sorry.

Once upon a time there was a girl named Posie.  [That's me.]  Somewhere along the line, in her life, she broke herself, and she hasn't figured out to fix it, yet.  She's sad, and there's something wrong with her eyesbrainhead, because although people tell her she's skinny, she has never ever seen it.
She has the most amazing boyfriend in the whole world.  And she finally told him, a little bit, about what's wrong with her.  How crazy she is.  He was wonderful, and supportive, and she still feels terribly guilty about lying to him about "recovery."  But it can't be helped.
She binged the other day.  Badly.  She is a fatfatfatfailure who doesn't deserve her amazing boyfriend.
And so, she lost her mind a little.  And instead of cutting her hips or arms or legs, like usual, she took a pocketknife to her cheek bones.  Hurts so good.
It wasn't bad, or deep.  But enough to notice, enough to bleed.  And when she saw the boyfriend the next day, he took her face in his hands and he said, with enough sadness in his eyesvoice to break Posie's heart, "What did you do to yourself?"  As if he KNEW.  But he can't know.  He can't know about the cutting.  That's not ladylike, or perfect, like starving and being skinny.
She must be perfect for him (herself?).


I currently fluctuate between 97 and 100 pounds.  Gross.

i love you, each and every one.

you are all amazing and strong and beautiful.

love, me.

how can i rid myself of the monster under the bed?

...if the monster stopped living under the bed, and started living inside me?

fail = binge = fail = my life = me

New low weight [since I was forced to gain]?  haha, jk!

Binge.

I'm officially going to be accountable to you girls now though, especially this week.

Actual post asap.

slipcutblood

     Slipcutblood accident?  in your dreams.

i messed up, girls.

i still owe you a story.

maybe it'll be about the time that Posie messed up.

lose your mind a second and you're bleeding and you can't hide that

especially when it's your face. 

thank you ayden

for the Award!

I owe you girls a full post on that, asap.

I got a job, sorry to be so missing lately - I'll write up a good long post soon!

I am still a Failure trying.

Love, me.

a Failure

You've called me an inspiration.  Strong.  Thin.  Beautiful.  So many things.

Girls, you were wrong.

I am weak.  A Failure.  A girl who is a Failure is not thin and beautiful, she is fat and repulsive.

I am that girl [today, at least].

But tomorrow I will be strong.

Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.

It's temporary pleasure, forever guilt, and I must remember that.

Tomorrow.  I will be Strong again.

where do you turn

when everything you see is broken?

slipping again

...into old habits.

Last fall habits.

restrictthinkthinskinnystarve habits.  ribsnhipsncollarbones habits.  habits that i need want? i don't know anything anymore oh God help me can I do this again yes I can I MUST I will be thinthinthin and float away on air like a soap bubble, delicate as can be David will be heartbroken screw him, we'll be THIN can i do this? yesyesyes maybe no? yes.  remember.  nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.  

I was handed a spoonful of Nutella today.

I smiled, graciously thanked my father, stuck it in my mouth til he turned around and left the room.

Spat it out.

When did I become so strong?

And why isn't it losing me any weight?

Still stuck at 97.

winning

as Charlie Sheen would say.

Scored super well on my SAT IIs.

Guess eating breakfast and getting fat feeding my brain paid off somehow.

beautiful

you are all beautiful

summer

basically means I'm home, being forced to eat.

I am disgusting.  I need to get a life, to get perfect before I can visit the boy at his beach job.

Yes, girls, I managed to get a boyfriend with a beach job.  Looking like this.  Um, ew.

Things need to change.

Still 97/98, but it has to go down.

we stopped looking for monsters under our beds...

...when we realized they were inside us.

e.e. cummings

unbeing dead isn't being alive

DSM-V anorexia nervosa

http://www.dsm5.org/ProposedRevisions/Pages/proposedrevision.aspx?rid=24#

I can officially be diagnosed as an anoretic again, now that they've changed it so you don't have to have amenorrhea.

(Because I've gained such a sickening amount of weight since the fall, I've gotten my period back.)

Horray?

What do you girls think of the new DSM-V?  I hated DSM-IV but these ED requirements seem more reasonable.

and they make me eat

97979797979797979797979797979797979797979797979797979797979797979797979797979797979797979797979797979797979797979797979797979797979797979797979797979797979797979797979797979797979797979797979797979797979797979797979797979797979797979797979797979797979797979797979797979797979797979797979797979797979797979797979797979797979797979797979797979797979797979797979797979797979797979797979797979797979797979797979797979797

and they make me eat

and i want 9695949392919089888786858483828180

and it never, ever, stops. 

 

zombies

in honor of you

my 76

HOLY COW

76!

followers!

I say this:

you are all beautiful.  Each and every one of you, and I pray someday you will see it as I do.

You. Are. Beautiful.

Leave a comment and I'll follow you if I'm not already!

<3

nothing much to say

It seems that no matter what I eat or don't eat, run or don't run, I don't lose.  I gain a few pounds, lose a few pounds.

endless
cycle


cycle...


cycle...

I need to break it.  I don't know how.  I have a few weeks of school left.  Maybe come summer.

Tips?

my legs

...with my knees up on the school bus.

Pale, fat and gross.  And scarred, if you can tell.

Never take up cutting, my friends.  It's too addictive.  [And it ruins your chances to be perfect.]

This is motivation, girls!  I have to be as perfect as I can be.  For me and for David.

hello to my 70th follower!

Introduce yourselves, all of you!

no matter what i do

i feel like a failure.


is it even possible to gain 4 pounds from eating your BMR for 2 days?  


it shouldn't be.  is it?  i don't know.  i don't know what's real anymore.  


i'm afraid.  i need to lose.  i need to gain.  i don't know.  i don't know.


i'm afraid.


i'm spiraling back down, girls.

happiness and hope

happiness

Boy finally asked me out!  We are officially a couple, and a gosh-darn adorable one at that, if I do say so myself.

And because I'm sick of referring to him as "Boy," I'll call him David (not his real name).

hope

Anyway, now I have even more of a drive to be absolutely, glowingly perfect for him!  I'm his first serious relationship (and good gracious I can't wait for our first kiss), so I need to be PERFECT.


Being perfect thus requires some weight loss.  I'm solidly at 97, but it's getting a tad noticeable that I am losing weight (I'm down almost 10 pounds from the holidays, how disgusting is that?), so nosy people are getting involved (again, ugh).

Taking baby steps, I plan to get through this weekend maintaining and not losing my mind, and then continuing losing over the week when I'm not being practically force-fed.

[David hardly eats either, or at least not around me, so that's not an issue so far.]

I've bought myself a cute new top to wear when I get to 94 or 95, depending on how I feel.  So there's more motivation.

I can do this.  Because now I NEED to do this!

a serious question


And I would love some serious answers,  please.  I'm honored to have 69 followers and I honestly want all of your advice.

Do I tell him?  I don't remember if I told you girls this, but I told my last boyfriend about my eating disorder.

He was disgusted.  It was terrible how he reacted, and he never treated me the same after.  I trusted him and it didn't work out, because he only saw the monster.

He couldn't save me.  He watched me wither and he did nothing.  Couldn't stopmesaveme.

But David is so different.  He's sweet and kind and understanding...

...so girls.  Do I tell him?  Do I give him a peek into my fun-house mirrored mind?  It is a huge part of me.  Such a huge part.  You remember, back in November I was 82.

82 and dying but we don't think about that.  I need to be thin again.


Do I tell him?



replies
Unknown, thank you!  I cannot wait til I'm losing again, and you can do it too!
Isobel, I love you.  It means so much to me that you care, you know that?  I worry about you, I just want you to be happy, and I KNOW that you can do that.  Happiness isn't a number, but you'll find the number that makes you happy.  Trust me :)  You look amazing already!

Love you all!  Sorry for the long rambling post, I'm quite busy with schoolwork and a new boyfriend :)

Adieu, much love.

no news is good news

...right?


Boy hasn't asked me out yet.  Still.  I don't even know what to think.

I pretty much love him; he's rather perfect!  Attractive, brilliant, a gentleman, witty as can be, older, in a band...

Need I say more?

Still hovering at 97.
How have you all been?  Much apologies for being such a lame blogger.

hand holding

is one of the best feelings in the world.

Hand holding and then waking up to 97 pounds is also great.

once upon a time,

there was a little girl.  and she was happy.


but every story that begins with "once upon a time" has a sad middle, doesn't it?


so here's the sad part:


but the little girl grew up.  


but children don't grow up: our bodies get bigger, but our hearts get torn up. 


and here's the other sad part:


she hasn't gotten to the end of the story yet, and she can't predict the ending, and she doesn't know if everything is going to turn out all right.  if the prince will come save her or maybe the dragon will eat her, or maybe it won't be a dragon, but the demons in her own head that grow bigger each night, tearing at her little girl heart in the body that got bigger 
before 
she 
was 
ready.  

quick update

[I feel like I have that as a title for my posts like once a week, I'm sorry!  Can't wait for summer.]

School update:  All of the tests to determine my future (well, a great deal of them) are this coming week.  I've been studying so much I literally fell asleep standing up in one of my classes yesterday.  Awesome.

Life update:  The new Boy-That-I-Like-A-Lot texted me (first!) the other day, and it turned into a 5-day long conversation, total bonding, many many inside jokes, and READY?  A POSSIBLE DATE.  Win.  I couldn't be happier [in this area of life].  He's cute, hysterically funny, totally brilliant, a nerd like me, and like, the nicest guy ever.  Does it get better?  Also, he doesn't make me eat.  We sit together at lunch and not eat together.  True story, but I don't know how I feel about him not eating...?  What do you girls think?

Weight/eating update:  I've been eating not enough way, way too much.  Maintaining at 98.  Frustrated because I could be losing like mad 'cause I'm so busy, but I can't risk my brain not being top notch.  Not this week.  Arrrgh.

Miss you all.

binge to start off Hell Week

So I binged today.
Because me = epic fail.

But tomorrow's a new day, and I'll get back on REAL track after this week, which is Hell Week.

Hell Week: every single major test to determine my future.

So I'm thinking I ought to eat enough to keep my brain going :P

Argh.  I just want to lose weight again.  I'm sick of this 98-101 plateau I'm stuck on.  Hopefully I haven't gained much from my failure today.

I bought new clothes this weekend, and I'm not going to let myself wear them until I can lose properly again and not be a whale.

Love you all.

heads up to harry

i pretty much just wanna be a princess right now.

HARRY, I'M SINGLE.

(i promise i'm not one of those creepy prince stalkers in real life, haha)

losing control, most often

25695) I’m always either losing weight, losing control, or losing my mind.
http://confessionsabouteatingdisorders.tumblr.com/post/4931740804


so true. losing my mind?
try LOST.

Happy Easter!

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

~John 3:16

Happy Resurrection Day, my lovely followers.  Jesus died on the cross for YOU!  Spread the good news!  God bless you and keep you and remember that He loves you NO MATTER WHAT.  Even if you eat a ton of Easter candy (like I am and plan to - by golly I gave up every good food for Lent and did not cheat once, I get a freaking guilt free day! (I hope))!  


Happy Easter, enjoy the beautiful weather (it's GORGEOUS by me) and I will update you all asap.


Love always,
Posie (who adores Easter and Easter colors and all things Easter, but most of all Jesus <3)

peppers

I've taken to eating whole peppers for lunch or dinner.


I love the color (they're so pretty), how fun they are to cute up, and the taste.


They're low-cal and healthy.


I'm allergic to them.


Peppers make me physically ill.


News: I realized what I want to major in when I go to college.

Nutrition.  Yep.  Foods, nutrition, and wellness studies.

Sometimes my life is so freaking ironic I just have to laugh.

sorry to be so missing in action

I find it difficult to use the abbreviation "MIA" nowadays =/

But shit has come up.

Update asap.

This Is How I Disappear

by My Chemical Romance


GO!

To un-explain the unforgivable,
Drain all the blood and give the kids a show.
By streetlight this dark night,
A seance down below.
There're things that I have done,
You should never know!

And without you is how I disappear,
And live my life alone forever now.
And without you is how I disappear,
And live my life alone forever now.

Who walks among the famous living dead,
Drowns all the boys and girls inside your head.
And if you could talk to me,
Tell me if it's so,
That all the good girls go to heaven.
Well, heaven knows

That without you is how I disappear,
And live my life alone forever now.
And without you is how I disappear,
And live my life alone forever now.

Can you hear me cry out to you?
Words I thought I'd choke on figure out.
I'm really not so with you anymore.
I'm just a ghost,
So I can't hurt you anymore,
So I can't hurt you anymore.

And now, you wanna see how far down I can sink?
Let me go, fuck!
So, you can, well now so, you can
I'm so far away from you.
Well now so, you can.

And without you is how I disappear,
And without you is how I disappear,
Whoa whoa... (And without you is how I disappear)
Whoa whoa... (And without you... is how, is how, is how...)
Forever, forever now!

fight back

Anonymous: Curious as to what an eating disorder can do to a normal, healthy girl just stepping into the world? Exactly how it begins and how stealthily it will destroy everything you’ve ever known?
It starts as nothing. You don’t wake up one morning and realize that your brain is malfunctioning, tempting you to commit your own slow, agonizing death. It starts out as a swiftly fleeting thought, a shallow comment from another. You begin to think, maybe there is something wrong with me. Maybe I would be happier a little thinner, maybe people would accept me if I looked differently. You start “dieting”, eating a little less than before, replacing cookies with crackers, coke for diet. A couple pounds later you begin to see the difference in the scale, yet the mirror seems to think otherwise. You start feeling bigger than you were before. You binge from the embarrassment of feeling like a failure and lack of nutrients. You tell yourself tomorrow will be better and go for a jog. As you run, a voice quietly plays in the back of your mind, counting calories, how much weight you can lose in a week.
Soon, you find yourself in an inescapable trap. Suddenly, you’re too busy working out and hating what you have become, all the fat clinging from your body to spend time with your friends. Instead of going out for late fast food runs or a evening at the mall, you’re locked in your room, to exhausted to get out of bed, punching yourself in the stomach to make it stop growling, suffering from a migraine and lack of self-esteem. Instead of having a conversation with a family member, you’ll be talking to “Ana” or “Mia”, the only ones you can confide in.
Eating disorders block everything else out.
They take away your relationships, forget falling in love, you’ll be too busy starving, purging, and binging to be able to let yourself get close enough to anyone, to even consider the notion of falling in love. They take away your hobbies. Your eating disorder becomes your new best friend, put out of your mind any interests and dreams, this is more important. Maybe when you’re thin enough you’ll be worthy of doing what you love, but right now, you have no chance, you’ll just embarrass yourself.

Eating disorders take away your memories, your energy, your personality, your innocence. They can turn a healthy, naturally slim young girl into a monster. They begin to control you, forcing you to stain your teeth smoking and drinking hundreds of cups of black coffee (which you’re not even fond of in the first place) in a futile attempt to suppress your appetite. They will make you antisocial, depressed, miserable, anxious, short tempered, and sarcastic. You’ll be cold all the time and your hair will be thicker on your pillow than on your head. You’ll find yourself cutting and burning away at your own flesh, throwing up until you see blood, picking at your face until it’s swollen and bleeding, and most of all, they will ruin your metabolism and make you fatter than you were before you went through this hell, that is, if you even make it out alive.

Eating disorders are a distraction, an escape from the problems we are faced with everyday. They keep you busy counting the days until you’re finally thin, finally happy.
But the thing is, you never are. It’s never good enough.

Eventually, you realize that you can’t continue this way, that you will never be content, thin or not. This disorder will never allow you to feel beautiful.
You are. Fight back.
http://confessionsabouteatingdisorders.tumblr.com/post/4525698894






Fight back, fight back, fight back.  Fail, fail, fail.
Hold your head in your hands as tears leak through your fingers and you sit alone, looking at the lunch that you know you need to should just can't eat.  Unable.  Can't do it.  Can't or won't?  Not worth it.  Not worth the inevitable pain.


Look up when someone sits down next to you, eyes red and tear-stained cheeks, don't even care about runny mascara and blotchy face.
Ex-Boy.  There is pain in his eyes.  Turn away.  He leaves.
Well, fuck you.  You didn't listen, you didn't know, you let me go.  You let me go.


And I fell off the edge of the world.

disclaimer

I did not draw that last picture.  But I'm too busy to write a real post!  Lots has happened.  Ugh.  Update later.

i'm ok, just tired

i want to hear all of your quirks...

...about weighing yourself.

I'm genuinely curious, drop me a comment and let me know what you all do.

Once a day?  Once a week?  Twice a day?  Every five minutes?  Before/after eating/peeing/exercising?

What do you do to find out your weight?

Personally, I weigh compulsively.  After ANYTHING - drinking, eating, peeing, working out...  And I always step on three times.  Never more, never less.

One, two, three makes it true.

One, two, three to measure my sins and weigh my faults.

One, two, three, thrice on the scale today.

One, two, three times, I saw 99.

I am back.

attitude update

That's what I need.  Sorry for all the depressing posts lately :P

I'm gonna try to write longer tomorrow and respond to comments, so much homework today, ugh!

Hope you girls are all well.  Again, thanks for following me and encouraging me <3

If I'm not following you, drop me a comment!  I want to get to know y'all.

sunday stupidity

I honestly hate myself right now.  Every time I lose a little, someone makes me eat and I get out of control and eat too much and gain it back.

Gain it all back.

All I want is to be able to run again.

When I run, I will lose.

When I lose, everything can be ok.  I can feel in control.  I hate this feeling, this out of control crazed panicked I am a disgusting waste of space why do I even eat I deserve to starve feeling.

I hate this goddam thing disease.

This is a disease.  I wouldn't wish this, this anorexia or whatever the hell it is, on my worst enemy.

I wouldn't wish it on anyone.  Anyone.

And I would do almost anything, anything to get rid of it.

To actually recover, not to fake it like I am now.  I'm sick of lying.

I
just
want
to
lose
weight.

war

It's like a war, in my head.

Me vs. me.

There's the me that wants needs to lose weight again - starve and binge and purge and look so skeletal that random passerby stare.  That me is kneeling on the shower floor coughing and hacking and trying to purge.  I'm such a failure I can't seem to do that anymore.

But the other me wants to eat healthy food and exercise moderately and not worry everyone or look scary.  That's the me that seems to be stopping me from purging.  The me that stops me from cutting, most days.  Not today.

It's a constant, constant fight.

We should eat something.
Don't, we're a huge fattie.
We need it to run.
We didn't back in the fall, when we weighed 82.  Think how gorgeous we were then.  Boyfriend would never have broken up with us if we didn't get FAT FAT FAT.
Shut up, shut up!  Remember when Daddy cried?
We'll hide it better this time.  We deserve to starve.
No, we don't!  We're skinny already!
No, we're not.  We're a whale.  We were skinny when we could see our hip bones through our JEANS.  Not before.  Don't eat that.
OK.
-or some days: Shut up!  I deserve to eat.

But.

It never stops.  Win one, fail the other.  Always, always a failure for one side.  Success for the bad me, guilt for the good me.  Success for the good me, horrible, painful deathly guilt for the bad.

Anyone else feel this way?

I'm gonna draw a picture - a picture with a twist.

I'll draw it with a razor; I'll draw it on my wrist.

And if my picture's perfect, a fountain will appear

And as the fountain starts to flow, all my troubles disappear.

tons of homework

So much.  Oh my goodness.

So this'll be really quick!

Trip was awesome.  Had a fantastic time and didn't panic too much about food and managed to do super well - maintained.

100 today, will hopefully exercise a bit later.

Didn't run =/ but I had a decent reason - hung out with the guy I like instead!

So.  There's always tomorrow...
to do more homework.  Ugh.

Love ya dearies.

adios, amigos

I'm leaving for a trip!  (With family!  Which means A LOT A LOT of food!  But trying my best not to think about it, ugh.)

And hahaha, that title was just to scare ya.  I'll be back by Monday at the latest.

Have a super amazing weekend, all of you - all 57 holy cow!

<3

if you could have a superpower for ONE day, what would it be?

ONE day, and ONE day ONLY.  Answer in the comments!

Today: probably around 400 calories

Weight about 100 still.  Ergh.

Back to hw, love you girls.

55 followers

:O  I'm astonished.  And honored!  But mostly astonished.

Gosh, guys, you couldn't have followed me back when I had some self-control and will-power and was actually losing weight?

Without running it doesn't even matter what I do, I either maintain or gain.  So, NEW FOLLOWERS!  Please read this blog from like... October/November 2010.  I was actually worth following back then =/

I don't even know what I weigh, I just know that I look GROSS.  It saddens me.  But without running... I'm stuck on this endless loop of gain a little over the weekend, lose a little over the week, gain, lose, gain, lose...

Ugh.  AND I'll be traveling this weekend with family which means that I'll be definitely eating three meals a day, kill me now.  (I usually only eat dinner, ftr).

Argh :(

Something needs to change.  I just read Adeline's post about logic and I LOVE it.  I need to get my self-control back, and I'm gonna try her idea.  I simply accept right now, this second, that I won't eat except what is necessary to fly under the radar, and that's that!  Problem solved.  Hopefully.

Anyway, new followers, please introduce!  I want to "meet" you all.

Hope everyone is doing better than I am,
Posie

mondays

Mondays.  Ergh.

Thankfully did super-well on a physics test.

Have randomly ballooned to a whopping 103 lbs, wtf!?

I've managed to fracture my shins -_- so no running for me.  Which means the weight will come off MADDENINGLY slowly, if at all.

Ugh.  Why Mondays?  Sigh.

Ex-boy has officially moved on from me...
And my heart is officially still broken.

The Versatile Blogger Award

Can I start with how freakin' honored I am!?  This COMPLETELY made a totally crap week/day, thank you so much Ana Marie!  You as well have a lovely blog.

The Rules:

1. Thank the person who loved you enough to bestow this gift
2. Share seven things about yourself.
3. Bestow this honor onto 10 newly discovered or followed bloggers– in no particular order– who are fantastic in some way.
4. Drop by and let your ten new friends know you admire them.

Seven things about me, Posie, in no particular order:

1.  I won't give my real first name, but my real middle name is Alise (different spelling, but I'm paranoid - sorry!)

2.  At the moment I weigh about 100 pounds.  The most I've weighed in my life is 112, the least (at this height, anyway) is 82.

3.  My favorite smell is the smell of a thunderstorm.

4.  My favorite sound is the sound of the silence right BEFORE a thunderstorm.

5.  I love WEATHER!  (Did you guess that?)

6.  Lately I've been reading a lot of Jodi Picoult - very good.

7.  I believe in true love, smiling at strangers, laughing a lot, and the like!

And now, my AWARD-EES!

Is that a word?

Anyway.

I give this award to the following, in no order:

1.  Isobel:  of course ;)  Because you are my blogging soul sister and I love you and your blog and your vlogs and that gorgeous accent and body!

2.  Ayden:  Because your comments are the best and your attitude is so commendable!

3.  Peridot:  Because you are hysterical.  'Nuff said.

4.  Adeline:  Because your blog is amazing beyond words and your life is like a fairytale and you are a true inspiration.

5.  Charr:  Because I pray for you every day (along with everybody else, of course).

6.  Starving Artist:  Because I like your blog.

7.  miss alisha:  Because I love your blog and your love for that gym guy ;)

8.  Britni:  Because I love ya!

9.  Ell: Ditto!

10.  Almost Skinny: Ditto again!

Whew!  I sadly don't have time to go tell all these lovely girls, so if someone could let them know?  That'd be super fabulous n thank you all.

I love you, have a GREAT week as I'll probably be super busy again, and remember to smile!

Love,

Posie <3