from "memento mori" to a phoenix rising
sickness to recovery

Sunday, April 3, 2011

sunday stupidity

I honestly hate myself right now.  Every time I lose a little, someone makes me eat and I get out of control and eat too much and gain it back.

Gain it all back.

All I want is to be able to run again.

When I run, I will lose.

When I lose, everything can be ok.  I can feel in control.  I hate this feeling, this out of control crazed panicked I am a disgusting waste of space why do I even eat I deserve to starve feeling.

I hate this goddam thing disease.

This is a disease.  I wouldn't wish this, this anorexia or whatever the hell it is, on my worst enemy.

I wouldn't wish it on anyone.  Anyone.

And I would do almost anything, anything to get rid of it.

To actually recover, not to fake it like I am now.  I'm sick of lying.

I
just
want
to
lose
weight.
Posted by at

4 comments:

  1. SkylarApril 3, 2011 at 5:09 PM

    I know how you feel darling. It makes me so upset when I hear people talk about anorexia like it's a choice. Stay strong darling, you're beautiful.
    xo Skylar

    ReplyDelete
  2. Peridot (G+P)April 3, 2011 at 10:13 PM

    I
    just
    want
    to
    hug
    you.


    <3

    ReplyDelete
  3. .April 4, 2011 at 2:52 AM

    *cyber hug*
    we're here for you sweetie :) xx

    ReplyDelete
  4. robyngabrielleApril 4, 2011 at 5:43 AM

    oh darling, I wish I could help in some way. I really do. But you know, don't you, that if you REALLY TRULY want to recover you have to do it yourself.

    It's terrifying, but you're strong enough to do it! You are strong enough for anything.

    Love you so much darling xxx

    ReplyDelete

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