fight back

Anonymous: Curious as to what an eating disorder can do to a normal, healthy girl just stepping into the world? Exactly how it begins and how stealthily it will destroy everything you’ve ever known?
It starts as nothing. You don’t wake up one morning and realize that your brain is malfunctioning, tempting you to commit your own slow, agonizing death. It starts out as a swiftly fleeting thought, a shallow comment from another. You begin to think, maybe there is something wrong with me. Maybe I would be happier a little thinner, maybe people would accept me if I looked differently. You start “dieting”, eating a little less than before, replacing cookies with crackers, coke for diet. A couple pounds later you begin to see the difference in the scale, yet the mirror seems to think otherwise. You start feeling bigger than you were before. You binge from the embarrassment of feeling like a failure and lack of nutrients. You tell yourself tomorrow will be better and go for a jog. As you run, a voice quietly plays in the back of your mind, counting calories, how much weight you can lose in a week.
Soon, you find yourself in an inescapable trap. Suddenly, you’re too busy working out and hating what you have become, all the fat clinging from your body to spend time with your friends. Instead of going out for late fast food runs or a evening at the mall, you’re locked in your room, to exhausted to get out of bed, punching yourself in the stomach to make it stop growling, suffering from a migraine and lack of self-esteem. Instead of having a conversation with a family member, you’ll be talking to “Ana” or “Mia”, the only ones you can confide in.
Eating disorders block everything else out.
They take away your relationships, forget falling in love, you’ll be too busy starving, purging, and binging to be able to let yourself get close enough to anyone, to even consider the notion of falling in love. They take away your hobbies. Your eating disorder becomes your new best friend, put out of your mind any interests and dreams, this is more important. Maybe when you’re thin enough you’ll be worthy of doing what you love, but right now, you have no chance, you’ll just embarrass yourself.

Eating disorders take away your memories, your energy, your personality, your innocence. They can turn a healthy, naturally slim young girl into a monster. They begin to control you, forcing you to stain your teeth smoking and drinking hundreds of cups of black coffee (which you’re not even fond of in the first place) in a futile attempt to suppress your appetite. They will make you antisocial, depressed, miserable, anxious, short tempered, and sarcastic. You’ll be cold all the time and your hair will be thicker on your pillow than on your head. You’ll find yourself cutting and burning away at your own flesh, throwing up until you see blood, picking at your face until it’s swollen and bleeding, and most of all, they will ruin your metabolism and make you fatter than you were before you went through this hell, that is, if you even make it out alive.

Eating disorders are a distraction, an escape from the problems we are faced with everyday. They keep you busy counting the days until you’re finally thin, finally happy.
But the thing is, you never are. It’s never good enough.

Eventually, you realize that you can’t continue this way, that you will never be content, thin or not. This disorder will never allow you to feel beautiful.
You are. Fight back.
http://confessionsabouteatingdisorders.tumblr.com/post/4525698894






Fight back, fight back, fight back.  Fail, fail, fail.
Hold your head in your hands as tears leak through your fingers and you sit alone, looking at the lunch that you know you need to should just can't eat.  Unable.  Can't do it.  Can't or won't?  Not worth it.  Not worth the inevitable pain.


Look up when someone sits down next to you, eyes red and tear-stained cheeks, don't even care about runny mascara and blotchy face.
Ex-Boy.  There is pain in his eyes.  Turn away.  He leaves.
Well, fuck you.  You didn't listen, you didn't know, you let me go.  You let me go.


And I fell off the edge of the world.