crapcrapcrap

Mum walked into the bathroom just as I was weighing myself.  I should have locked the door, craaaaap.  Crap.

Now she knows I weigh 93 pounds.  She FLIPPED.

I am in deep shit here.  Hopefully I can keep passing it off as just losing weight because of xc...?
I need advice, my friends.  What can I tell her???

Isobel, I'm still meaning to reply to you once my life calms the heck down :P  Love you girl.

Love you all.  Wish me luck, pray, whatever - just please comment with tips/advice that you use D= =/  I'm in trouble.

<3Posie

short 'n' sweet

Mad busy.  Mental breakdown busy.

93 pounds, w00t w00t.  Hallelujah.

Isobel, I'll reply to your comment asap <3  thanks girl, wish I wasn't so busy <3

broken?

Can it be true!?
My scales tell me I weigh 94!  *crosses fingers*  Oh, I do hope so.  That wretched plateau >.<

Anyway, CRAZY busy today, so enjoy my song posts and I wish you all well <3
Lots'o'love,
Posie

P.S:  I broke 50 posts :O  I can't even remember what it was like before I had you girls.  Lovelovelove.

21 Guns

21 GUNS
by Green Day


Do you know what's worth fighting for?
When it's not worth dying for?
Does it take your breath away and you feel yourself suffocating?
Does the pain weigh out the pride?
And you look for a place to hide?
Did someone break your heart inside, you're in ruins

One, 21 Guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 Guns
Throw up your arms into the sky
You and I ...

When you're at the end of the road
And you lost all sense of control
And your thoughts have taken their toll
When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul
Your faith walks on broken glass and the hangover doesn't pass
Nothing's ever built to last, you're in ruins

One, 21 Guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 Guns
Throw up your arms into the sky
You and I ...

Did you try to live on your own?
When you burned down the house and home?
Did you stand too close to the fire?
Like a liar looking for forgiveness from a stone
When it's time to live and let die
And you can't get another try
Something inside this heart has died, you're in ruins

One, 21 Guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 Guns
Throw up your arms into the sky
You and I ... 




Yet another song I adore.  It's pretty self-explanatory, non?  Favorite part: When you're at the end of the road / And you lost all sense of control / And your thoughts have taken their toll / When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul / Your faith walks on broken glass and the hangover doesn't pass / Nothing's ever built to last, you're in ruins...  So true.  

ODDs and Even SOs

ODDS AND EVEN SOS
by Eleventyseven


No one ever seems to understand her 
I don't think that her parents even planned her 
And everywhere she goes she feels rejected 
Miscommunication is expected 

She's crying for direction 
Lost in her reflection 
All the while pretending she's alive 
She's trying not to show it 
But everybody knows it 
Something is just killing her inside

Like a recall on your television screen 
She was someone you would never want to see 
And things never worked out the way 
She planned every drop of blood she had is on your hands

[chorus]

Maybe someday soon when she's alone 
She'll decide to take a life that's not her own 
Lying on the ground beside her gun 
Never knowing she's not the only one 
All she ever needed was a voice 
Telling her that she could make a different choice 
Now is not the time cause it's too late 
What good is God doing you when he is only faith?

[chorus] 




I love this song.  It speaks to me.  "Lost in her reflection"...  Yup.  Like it was written for those of us with desperation behind our eyes and steel and starvation in our ribs.

help me, bloggers. you're my only hope.

Please, right now, asap, this moment:  give me any and all tips you've got for breaking a plateau.  If I see another day of 95 pounds, I'll scream.

Star Wars reference, btw.  Ftw <3
Natalie Portman?  Frickin' GORGEOUS.  Even bald.  Love her.

And a special shout out to Isobel, who I missed like HELL.  (And, ftr, totally picture as Natalie in my head...)  Girl, I wanna hear ALL ABOUT FRANCE.  I want details on the people, places, and food, of course - I'm living (and eating) vicariously through you :)  And soon we shall be losing together again!

irony

i find it
ironic
to the extreme
that the only thing i watch on tv
while i work out
is the food network.

3 cheers for masochism, eh, beauties?

hum dum de dum

Still stuck at 95 =/

Nothing much to report.  In an attempt to break the plateau, I'm eating semi-normally today (i.e. 2 ALMOST NORMAL WHOLE MEALS :O) which will HOPEFULLY help my body and up my metabolism so I can lose again, although my mind is FREAKING out.

In other news, I blacked out at practice the other day, very briefly...  luckily, thankfully, my friend who's... ahh, like me, was the only who noticed and she wouldn't say anything.

Don't you wish you were normal?  I do :(

Other other news, my birthday was lovely and thanks for all the wishes :)  I only had a tiny piece of cake and worked it off, so no gain!  What I WANT is a loss...  Ah well.

Thanks lovelies!

happy unbirthday to you!

And happy birthday to me!

I'm 17 :)  Will try to avoid cake.  But I got some good presents!

Not much time to write, sorry beauties - I'll sum it up with the depressing fact that I seem to have plateaued at 95...  been stuck for days and haven't eaten over 500-700 any of those and xc is INSANE...  This is lame.  BMI 16.8 is unacceptable; I'm still in the 3rd percentile for my age/height.  By the time I see my doctor again (middle of winter, if I don't get sick/pass out at practice/etc.) I want to be in the negative percentiles at least.  If they're going to lock me up, I want a legitimate REASON to be locked up.

Peace, girls.  Love you <3

racing

I ran my ass off at the xc race today - felt AWESOME.

Runner's high is my drug of choice.  Went for another run afterward, and will do my abs/weights/etc. later.

Plus, family will be out so I can skip a normal size dinner.  I ate a bit today to fuel the race:  chocolate cheerios (100) and half an apple (37).  For dinner I had about 20-25 cal worth of salad.

Hopefully this will help work off the weekend >.<

Love you all.  Your comments mean more than I can say.

too much, too much, need to stop, need to stop

I weigh too much, I take up too much space, I think too much, I AM too much.

I want to be skinny(er - always, always skinner).  I want to lose weight.  I want to be able to stop when I binge.  I want to stop cutting.  I want to be a better runner, better person, better...  I want so many things...

I need to stop this amusement park ride with the sick clown faces always grinning, laughing at me, telling me to lose one more pound and one more and I can leave and get off and be happy and free and smile a real smile, not one with pain behind my eyes and blood on my fingers and ice in my soul.

I fear that's too much to ask.

lunatic

We're all mad here.  But me?  I - I am going insane.

In complete seriousness, I'm terrified that I'm actually going mad.  Padded white walls mental.  You can read this blog and see my life and watch my mental state utterly deteriorate.  I'm afraid to weigh myself, to look in a mirror, to eat too much, to stop exercising for even one moment, to admit that I need help, but at the same time, I NEED to know how much I weigh, I need to look in a mirror and make sure that a binge didn't blow me up to the size of a whale, I need to eat to live, I need to do other things with my life, I NEED SOMEONE to notice what I'm doing and tell me I need help because Dear God I NEED HELP.  I want to be so skinny that someone drags me to a doctor and locks me up so they can fucking fix me but it'll never work, because I'll never be skinny enough.

Lia was right.  Zero in tennis is love.  I finally get it.  I'm too far away from zero to love myself.

I'm chalking this ENTIRE FUCKING WEEKEND up to "See, she ate a shit-ton, she can't be anorexic!"  Because people have been asking questions.

And we can't have questions without looking for answers.

Does anyone, anyone, truly have an answer?  Because I need one.

Or I'll go mad.

[profanity warning]

I am a fucking disgusting fat lard who doesn't deserve to live.

Binge.  Goddammit, I fucking feel like my stomach is ripping open, I'm literally curled up in pain.

I hate myself with the firey passion of a thousand suns.  That was probably 2000 calories RIGHT THERE.

But I will.  not.  purge.

This disease can fuck up my mind but I WILL NOT LET MYSELF PUKE THIS UP.

FUCKITY FUCK I HATE ME.  I DESERVE TO SUFFER THIS WITHOUT PUKING.

Dammit.  I'm sorry to rant like this.  The food, the weight, the guilt...  Oh, dear God...  I'm so afraid I'm stepping off the deep end completely.  Bonkers, mental, loony, mad, insane, one (or 11) egg(s) short of a dozen and bats in my belfry...

*curls up and sobs*  I hate me.  I truly do.

spines

Just out of curiosity, run your hands along your back - Can you feel your spine?  Answer in comments, I'm truly curious.  I'll explain.

Last night, Boyfriend came over, we talked, I cried, whatnot...  we're back together and he truly is so sorry, it was once...  anyway.  I love him.

So I'm sitting there, crying and being a generally hormonal girl (I totally didn't even realize, but I haven't had my actual period in months, btw) and I end up in his arms, and it's amazing and we're kissing and I'm just so glad I could forgive him and trust him, and he pulls me closer and then stops and pulls away.  I'm like, "What?" and he traces a finger up the middle of my back and goes, kind of shocked, "Is that... your SPINE?"
Why yes, yes it is.  Hello, spine.  Lovely to SEE you poking out back there, shoulder blades like wings and vertebrae dancing...

And then, because I'm only a real girl around him (maybe why I love him so much?) I had a normal (aka huge for me) dinner and a COOKIE and didn't panic until after he left.

I'm like 94-95 today, ran a butt-ton at practice...  Gah, if I gain much more this weekend I'll go crazy.  I truly will.

Love you all, thank you for everything, how are you?  <3

omens

I'm taking him back, forgiving him.

Let's just say some stuff happened that I'm taking as a sign from God - I'm going even crazier without him, I miss him like hell, and I love him.

My scales (yes, more than one) are telling me I weigh
94 pounds.
If I can manage to not gain too much over the weekend (they're always so baaaad) I think I be solidly at my previous low weight for all/most of next week.  And get a new low.  94 is such a lovely number...

92 is even better.

90?  Soon, my lovely girls.  Soon.

I'm Not Okay (I Promise)

I'M NOT OKAY (I PROMISE)
by My Chemical Romance

Well if you wanted honesty, that's all you had to say.
I never want to let you down or have you go, it's better off this way.
For all the dirty looks, the photographs your boyfriend took,
Remember when you broke your foot from jumping out the second floor?

I'm not okay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
You wear me out

What will it take to show you that it's not the life it seems?
(I'm not okay)
I've told you time and time again you sing the words but don't know what it means
(I'm not okay)
To be a joke and look, another line without a hook
I held you close as we both shook for the last time take a good hard look!

I'm not okay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
You wear me out

Forget about the dirty looks
The photographs your boyfriend took
You said you read me like a book, but the pages all are torn and frayed

I'm okay
I'm okay!
I'm okay, now
(I'm okay, now)

But you really need to listen to me
Because I'm telling you the truth
I mean this, I'm okay!
(Trust Me)

I'm not okay
I'm not okay
Well, I'm not okay
I'm not o-fucking-kay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
(Okay)




I love this song.  "I never want to let you down or have you go; it's better off this way..." just seems to apply to my whole situation now.  
And "What will it take to show you that it's not the life it seems?" applies to everyone who thinks that having an ED is "cool" or "a lifestyle" - that's bull.  Eating disorders are terrifying and I'd give a limb to be normal.  This song is a must-hear for everyone.

mirror, mirror, on the wall

Who IS the fairest one of all?

I wonder.  Will I ever look fair in my own head?

Ironic moment of the day:  Boyfriend(?) and I making completely awkward conversation with a couple of other friends - we accidentally ended up next to each other.  Weight (loss) comes up.

Friends:  blah blah blah weight gain!  I'm so huge!  blahblah *eating the whole time*
Me:  *without thinking*  Me toooooo!  *not eating*
Boyfriend(?):  Yeah, right, what do you weigh?  Like 100 pounds?
Friends:  *blather about how tiny/lucky/perfect I am*
Me:  *smile, deny everything, Iateearlieryessir, bleed on the inside where they can't see because I'm so starving and I can't let myself eat and I LOVE HIM*

I weigh 95 pounds, as of today.  Also, my fingernails are turning blue and I spend all day every day shivering.  Grrreat.  At least it burns calories.

compass

What can you do when the one who's hurting you...

...isn't yourself, for once?

I know how to deal with me.  I can handle myself, sort of.  (If this is handling?)

I don't know how to handle this, now.

I think I'm going to forgive him, take him back.  I don't know.  I truly love him.

I don't know.

Update in the weight(loss) area:  96 pounds.  Today I ate a hard-boiled egg white, no yolk (17), and 1 ritz cracker (~12) (=29) and I'll probably have to stuff in about 500 at dinner.  Bugger.  Ran only 2ish miles at practice plus a couple sprints.  Coach is asking questions though >.< Think I'll do some biking along with my abs/weights/etc. tonight.

I don't know.  Does anyone have any advice?  I need a compass, a crystal ball, a magic mirror to tell me what to do.

I'm not exactly the best person to make healthy decisions for myself, huh.

confusion

I'm so fucking confused, I don't know what to do or think or see or what.

I love (loved?) him.


96 pounds.  GW3.

screaming fury

So much for being on the up-side.

Boyfriend is cheating on me.

I fucking despise Mondays.


One plus, I weigh 97.  Fan-fucking-tastic.

stories

Hey guys.  This post is just me brain-vomiting and probably won't make sense, thanks for putting up with me.

First off, thanks to EVERYONE for all the love and support.  I'd go crazy without y'all.  Isobel especially, girl, you helped more than I can say.

I've been, obviously, not in the best place.  I'm doing better now, mentally anyway.  I still weigh about 98 pounds, and sorry but there's no way I'm posting a picture yet.  Maybe someday.

Guess I better tell some of my story, huh?  When I look back, I have no idea if I was always this crazy, or if it developed, or what...  you can make your own conclusions.

I was born.  From birth onwards, I was the "skinny one" in my family, and lemme tell you, my family is TINY.  I was always tiny.  Fairy-like, pixie-like, ethereal, pick me up with one hand tiny.  However, I was a healthy eater, even if I looked like a starving waif.  I vividly remember a girl in my second grade class asking me why I was so skinny if I ate so much.

[Side-note:  I LOVE food.  Like, seriously, love.  It's a messed up relationship we have, haha.]

Other memories from childhood:  8 years old, doing 500 sit ups in bed at night every night so I could have a nice stomach.
12 years old, asking my mum why thighs are always so fat and what I could do about mine (which were as tiny as the rest of me, I would presume, though I've never seen myself that way).

In middle school I was diagnosed with pretty severe anemia.  I was on all kinds of crazy meds to get my iron levels up, blood tests every week, etc.  I was supposed to eat foods rich in iron (ie, meat) but all I wanted was salad, and I was sick enough that my parents usually let me eat whatever I wanted.  I lost weight off my already small frame - I was about 5 foot and weighed about 70 pounds.  Plus, I hit puberty way later than most people, I was almost in high school before I got taller and grew hips and crap.

8th grade, a friend poking my side and telling me to eat something before I wasted away.  I still remember the happy glowing feeling that comment gave me.

By the time high school came I was about 5'2" and weighed 85-90 pounds.  Freshman year I joined track and cross country and started teaching myself about diet/nutrition and whatnot.  I quickly became obsessed with that and running.

Long story short and sparing you the details, I was eventually starving myself and puking and cutting and all that joy.  I was 5'3" and weighed 94 pounds when the doctors told me to gain some weight - they didn't know about the starving/puking/cutting, as I said, I'm naturally tiny (and good at hiding stuff).  With them and the parents and friends and people watching, I gained to 112 pounds.  It was GROSS AND UNNATURAL for me, though everyone said I looked "good."

Least favorite comment ever:  "Wow, you gained weight!  Lookin' good!"  No, I am fucking not.

Anyway.  That's it.  That's me.  I'm sure I left stuff out, but I'm exhausted just writing all that.

And basically, this is it:  I don't WANT to recover.  I want to be thin, and I don't want more meds and tests and doctors and all that crap.  I will be thin.

And when I'm thin, I'll shine.

Love and thanks,
Posie

the little things

A bright yellow butterfly just flew past my window.

I smiled.

drifting

I'll come back.  I'll tell my story, get this off my chest.

I weigh 98 pounds.  This should make me smile as 99 did, but all I can think is:  well, one more pound to 97!  Just six to 90!  I'm fucking fucked up and I hate this and I don't know...  ....Anonymous, hope you're happy, 'cause your comment has really made me think.  I don't have a reply yet.  I can't let them shrink my head with meds and crap again, I can't...

....

I know I promised a picture, but I just can't.  I'm sorry.

I feel like such a failure.  Always.

You girls are all beautiful and my lifelines and I love you.

One plus:  I haven't starting puking again yet...  I just exercise til I want to die.

Stay strong, think thin, feel love, and never stop breathing, even when it hurts.

Posie

alive

I'm here.

Just in a really bad place, in my fucked up head.

I'll be back.

Love.

quick update

Gosh, do I hate weekends.  Sooo much.  Parents watching, friends watching, social gatherings (which basically means eating)...

I suppose zig zagging calories is good, but I also never get to exercise as much because I have to take Sundays off from practice so my legs don't revolt and die...  *heavy sigh*

Sorry to be such a Debbie Downer, it's just one of those days :(

I'm still at 99, thank goodness, and the first day of school went well!  No one commented on weight loss or anything, but I managed to not eat TOO much...  Mum always wakes up early with me on the first day, so I had to stuff in some cereal (100) and an egg (78) for brekkie.  I ate an apple (72) throughout the day so I wouldn't pass out at practice, which was INTENSE.  I went home and did my weights/abs/etc. and then had to eat dinner with the family, for about 1000 calories :P  So I'm guessing 1200 yesterday.  Thank goodness I didn't gain...

Today I only ran 5 miles 'cause my legs are so sore from yesterday, and I ate an egg (78 - and I need the protein, my muscles are starting to eat themselves =/), a handful of almonds (~50 and more protein), and half a pear (47).  Trying to keep that metabolism up and throw the family off the scent of me losing weight too =P  Dinner is going to be chicken and veggies, emphasis on the veggies and only a tiny piece of chicken, without skin.  So it should be an alright day.  Tomorrow I probably won't have time to post because we're having ANOTHER family gathering, which means a ton of food, and it's my day off running...  EEEEEEEEK.  ERGH.  >.<  Monday practice is supposed to be hardcore though, so hopefully I can burn and lose...

Ugh.  I was so happy for one day about the 99, and now I'm back to full-time self hatred.  I wish I was normal.

Love you all, thank you ever so much for the amazing comments on my last post, truly made my week!!  <3

PS:  I plan to write a post about my story and why family/friends are always watching and stuff soon...  the Anonymous commenter made me realize that you all have no idea if I'm faking or really have an ED or what!  I really do, Anon - so, no, I can't just STOP.  I wish to HEAVEN I could, but it's not like that...

can you hear the heavenly choir singing?

I DID IT.

DOUBLE DIGITS GIRLS.

99 POUNDS AND COUNTIN' DOWN.

I AM ON TOP OF THE WORRRRRRLD RIGHT NOW.  Just one more pound to goal number 2!  I'm getting so much better at this :D

You all are strong enough and beautiful enough to do this too!!!

Good luck and thank you for all the wonderful encouragement!!
Love love love a thousand pounds of love,
Posie

still stuck in the molasses swamp

(Like my Candyland reference there?  Irony makes me giggle.)

So, here I am, still stuck at 100 pounds...  (just one more freakin' pound, one more...  but at least being this close means my self-control and willpower are OUT THE ROOF.  No binges today or tomorrow or this weekend, no sir.)

Yesterday was alright - we had pasta and sausage (GAG ME) for dinner, and I managed to only eat about 500 calories worth of that garbage, making my total about 600...  Plus a workout in the mad heat at practice (I probably sweated off all my weight and then drank it back in the half-gallon of water I consumed) and then 35ish minutes of my own abs/weights/etc.  Leg lifts ftw.

Today practice is in the afternoon again; I ate brunch (again) so I don't pass out there...  10 grapes (30) and one hard boiled egg (76) = 106 calories.  I'll burn that off and more at practice, and will hopefully be able to get my abs and whatnot in tonight along with not too much dinner...
because
SCHOOL
starts
tomorrow.

Ewww.  C'mon, 99.  I wanna see 99.

Livestrong says to lose 2 pounds a week I should be eating 1300-1700 calories a day, depending on exercise level.  I hardly ever break 1000, so I should be losing, yeah?  I'm eating enough to keep my metabolism going anyway...

Look haha, another post full of me rambling and not really making much sense, but at least y'all understand me.  Thanks for the love 'n' comments and 12 followers!  w00t.

Wish me luckkkk!  Just one more pound!  Can I work it off today?  *crosses fingers*

happy september

A new month!  Happy September!

New beginnings.

Goals:  DOUBLE DIGITS, calories under 1200 every day (should be easier with school), LOSING WEIGHT, keeping up exercising during school (starts Friday, ugh.)

Umm, yeah, that's pretty much it.  Practice is afternoon today, so I've already eaten a Deli Flat (100) and a nectarine (67) so I don't pass out while running.  I feel so full and gross =/  I'll burn that off and hopefully whatever I have to stuff in during dinner too.  Wish me luck!