Happy Halloween!

Happy candy day to y'all!

I.  will.  not.  binge.  today.

83 pounds this morning.

Spoonful of cereal for breakfast, some celery with a little almond butter (Dad made me) for lunch.
Probably won't have time to exercise much xP
Traditional Halloween dinner (for my family anyway) of pasta/lasagna/ziti/meatballs/Italian bread.
And candy, of course.

Eek.

Wish me luck!  Off to take the little sis trick or treating.

this.

This is what I'm talking about.

http://confessionsabouteatingdisorders.tumblr.com/

"Hundreds and hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of strange little girls screaming through their fingers... I could scroll through these songs for the rest of my life and never find the beginning."  ~Wintergirls, Laurie Halse Anderson

to whom it may concern

To whom it may concern,

This is not a pro-ana blog, in any way, shape, or form.  This blog is a way for me to connect with other lunatics like myself and find some support.

If you've found this, and are trying to "get" anorexia or an eating disorder, I respectfully request that you leave.  Right now.  Before you screw up your life completely.

Because, make no mistake, you WILL screw up your life.  Forever.

There's no going "back" to normal, whatever normal is.

And this?

This is hell.

Examples?

My first thought every day when I wake up is about my weight.  If I've lost, I'll probably have a "good" day, which consists of exercising a ton and eating almost nothing.  If I've maintained, I have the potential for a good day.  If I've gained, I only hate myself more, and will either have a "really good" day and eat nothing at all and exercise more, or think "screw it all, I'm a fat whale anyway" and eat enough so that I'm literally in pain.  Maybe I'll purge it, maybe I won't.

At the time of this posting, I weigh 84 pounds.  BMI 14.9.  I have the heartbeat of a corpse, my toes and fingers are blue, my hair is falling out, I'm growing a fur coat, I have not felt properly warm in months, my body is covered in bruises from knocking my sticking out bones against things, my muscles are eating themselves, my metabolism is probably permanently screwed up, I haven't had my period in months.  I look like death, according to people who are blunt enough to tell me.  According to me, I need to lose some more weight.

I love to run.  Cross country was my life.  Just today, my coach wouldn't allow me to race because my legs gave out during our warm-up run and I was shivering so badly that my teeth were chattering.

I love my family and friends.  I've alienated them so much it's almost unbelievable.  My family, when they finally notice how skinny I've gotten under the layers, will be worried literally sick.  My brother needs surgery and I am just a selfish brat who wants to be thin.  My friends hardly ever ask me to do anything or hang out anymore, because I won't eat, and if I do, I'll have a panic attack.  They spend all our time together trying to force me to eat, and I get angry at them for it.  I have a boyfriend who loves me a lot, and last night he put his hand on my waist, where my hip bones stick out. Remember, this is the guy who adores me, and he took his hand away and shuddered.  He tried to hide it, but I noticed, because I was avoiding another friend who was trying to make me eat.

My best friend in the whole world also has an eating disorder, and I am watching her die in front of me, as I die in front of her.

Yes, this is death.

This is death because I can see all this, and I don't want to recover.  Or maybe I just don't think it's possible.  I caught myself thinking the other day, "I'll get help when I'm skinny enough to count as a real anorexic."  What the heck is a "real anorexic" if not me?  And more importantly, will I ever look at myself and think I'm skinny enough to need help?  No.  It won't happen.

So, read this.  Read this well.  If you still think this life is glamorous or "just a diet," then I cannot help you.  I can merely hold your hand when you too have reached this point and we can be together in this hell.  If this terrified you, good.  Leave now, stop googling "pro-ana," start a healthy diet if you really do need to lose weight, and learn to love yourself if you don't.

And when you're truly happy, think of us trapped down here in this fun-house mirror full of lies and scales and hunger and hate.

Love always,
Posie

Happy National Chocolate Day!

Figured I should let y'all know it's a holiday :]

I celebrated!

...by NOT eating chocolate/bingeing.  W00t.

Probably ate about 600 calories today and burned about half...  eh.  Could be better, could be oh so much worse.

Hope chocolate day is treating you well - I look forward to Halloween, when I'll probably indulge in a piece of chocolate or two.  (Hopefully no more!)

xoxo :]

thursdays are just days spent waiting for fridays

Don't you agree?

Today:  hard-boiled egg white (17) and 1/3 apple (25).

It will also be the first day since my epic failure of a weekend that I'm forced into dinner with the family :/  Meatloaf and egg noodles...  can you say HIGH-CALORIE?  Luckily, I have a sore throat/slightly upset stomach so they won't be TOO too worried if I don't eat a lot.  Which I won't.  Can't.  I'm so sick of 86 pounds, I wanna see something else!  Something lowerrrr.

Also, ran 3 miles and biked a bit today...  procrastinating homework as usual, probably failing physics, and can't seem to care...

Answers!  Thanks for your lovely comments, love you all.

not.quite.ana:  Yup, my metabolism is pretty whacked out haha :P  It's so frustrating!

anaxoskinnyxo:  Thanks for the encouragement!  You are a total inspiration to me, you're amazing.

Almost.Skinny:  Thank you!  I wish I could shake up my food routine but I'm under a lot of suspicion as it is :P  Closest-anorexia = not fun.

Isobel:  To be honest, I look forward to your comments telling me to eat more xD  They always make me feel so good about myself!  You're like the big sister I never had, one that I really like :]  Love youuu!  I was just talking to a friend about studying abroad in Britain, and I thought, "Wow!  I could meet Isobel in PERSON!"  Wouldn't that be wicked!?

TGI-Almost-Friday,
Posie

intake today

breakfast:  1 hard boiled egg white (17)
lunch:  1/3 apple (25)
dinner:  lettuce (20)

and then...  Dad made pancakes.  Pancakes (especially [Oh gosh, I'm drooling] chocolate chip ones like he makes... godly) are an ultimate binge food of mine.

And guess what?
He made me eat one 'cause I didn't think of an excuse fast enough.

And I stopped.
I didn't binge.

1 pancake (~100)

daily total:  less than 200 calories.

Yesterday was even better, less than 100 because I just had the egg/apple/lettuce.

SO WHY AM I NOT LOSING WEIGHT!?

a coupla confessions

Nothing to report, my days have been boring and uneventful...

So, for something for y'all to read, and 'cause I'd rather do this than physics homework:  Confessions.

I confess...

1.  I adore food.  I love cooking, I love when people eat my cooking, compliment my cooking, etc.  My life revolves around food.

2.  I hate food.  I hate it with a burning passion.  My life revolves around food.

3.  The Food Network is my favorite tv channel.  I watch it while I work out - irony!

4.  I love my family to death; they are my favorite people in the entire world.  I have no words for how much they mean to me.

5.  I love my boyfriend; he's my first serious relationship.  (I am a virgin though, and will be until I get married.)

6.  I would rather stay home with a good book and a cup of tea than go to a party any day.

7.  My number one binge food is...  dessert.  Any type of dessert.  Literally, ANYTHING.

8.  My dream career is to be a photographer/writer/artist of some kind.  Reading is my favorite hobby, then running.  I don't have a favorite book because it's always the one I'm reading at the moment.

9.  I have my ears pierced twice and I want to get a tattoo on my foot that says "Miles to go before I sleep" - from the Robert Frost poem.

10.  I've never been officially diagnosed, but I fit the criteria for anorexia nervosa, and probably exercise-based bulimia.  I hate it; I love it.  I don't know.

and an extra one for kicks and giggles...

11.  I make wishes every time I see 11:11 or 12:34 on the clock, on shooting stars, on eyelashes...  I wish on anything.  And I always make the same wish.

No, I won't tell it ;)

deep breaths

I just have to breathe, and take life one day at a time.

Before I go crazier.

Today...  well, on the crap-tastic scale of 1 to shoot-yourself-in-the-face, this week so far has been a shoot-yourself-in-the-face-TWICE.

Breathing.  Things will look up.  They have to.

"What seems to us as bitter trials are often blessings in disguise."  ~Oscar Wilde 

lard

I am a fat, disgusting whale.

Made of lard.

I seriously considered not posting until I have some good news.  But here's to honesty.

And here's to you, because you are not a huge gross uncontrolled freak of nature.  Like me.

I realized something, seriously.

I am insane.

And all that I want in life, ALL THAT I WANT, is for people to look at me and think, "Wow, that anorexic girl is fucked up.  FUCKED UP.  But she's so thin and her willpower...  I could never do that."

So, why can't I get there?  Why can't I get thinner?

Why don't I have any self-control?

Why is my entire life dictated by the number on the scale every morning?

whywhywhywhywhywhyWHY


why?

busy weekend update

For once, I'm actually having a *gasp* social life this weekend.

I went to a party for an old friend last night...  I've been hanging out with only my anorexic/bulimic best friend lately, and I'd forgotten how much normal people eat.  It's actually sickening.  I was soooo soooo sooo socially awkward, turning down food right and left =/  I felt so bad that I ended up eating shit.  Which just made me feel a gazillion times worse.  I hate me :(  Thankfully, the only really unhealthy thing I ate (at the hibachi place we went to I basically only ate some of the the soup/veggies and a small bit of rice/noodles/tuna) was a tiny piece of *wince* ice cream cake.  They didn't even ask if I wanted it!  Just handed it to me!  Social graces dictated I eat it.  >.<

Buggerbuggerbugger.  Ughhhhhh.  ;alskdfja;lskdjfa ;lskdor;ieu s;flsdkj  HATRED OF SELF.  This sucks.

Anyway, I maintained, THANK HEAVENS.  Still 86 pounds this morning.

A family party tonight for my cousin who's anorexic.  So both of us will be competing to eat less and get away with it (our family = food people.  They hate people who don't eat.) while making the other person eat and it will be so awkward that we'll both up end binging, like always.  BUT NOT TODAY.  I refuse.

Dear God, help me.  I can't have a breakdown.  I need to see 85 sometime next week.  Preferably TOMORROW but I know I won't have time today to work off whatever I do have to eat today and did eat yesterday.

I will be strong.  My ribs and stomach and mouth will be skinny strong steel, and I'll smile and say no, thank you, I already ate I'm not hungry I'll have some later.

I need to be.
I have to be.
I will be.

Think of me.  Hope for me.  I'll catch up on blogs later this weekend.

another day, another check mark

86 pounds this morning, thank heaven!

I'll post longer later hopefully when I'm undoubtedly procrastinating physics homework haha :P

Smile because you're breathing, girls.  You're gorgeous.

nothing to report

Meh.  I'm sick - but not throwupandloseweight sick, just miserable sick.

Ate about 250 calories today - soup n toast.  Burned about 300 because I never miss practice haha :P

Afraid to weigh myself.  Afraid not to.

Nothing to report, just checking in.  Hope y'all are well.

sometimes i wonder if you're still alive

...how could you survive, such a dangerous world?

20 million points for getting that reference.  I am, of course, referring to my sanity.  If you've seen it, please, let me know.  Thanks.

I kind of hate myself.  88 pounds STILL.  Another plateau?  Really?  I can't take that now >.<  And I was so discouraged/sick (cold/sore throat) that I had a sorta-binge of probably 900 calories.

Why can't I get it through my stupid head that eating will just make EVERYTHING worse?

a'sldkgh;owi5vpoierunsdlkfja;l = head on keyboard.

Also, how ironic would it be if I get caught for the cutting over the anorexia first?  'Cause it's probably gonna happen :P

Hope all of your days were better than mine.

a very grey day

Back to 88.
Nothing to report - ho hum.
A very grey day.

How are all of you?
Extra points if you noticed
That these are haikus.

i think they call this situational irony

text message conversation with Boyfriend (who, btw, is 6'2" and weighs about 130 pounds - solid muscle, but skinny as anything)

Boy:  So what're you up to?
Me:  Trying on my jeans for the winter - I'm always cold :P
Boy:  I know haha you're always stealing my sweatshirts!  how's that going?
Me:  None of them fit!!  It's not my day :(
Boy:  ...None of them fit because you're too THIN? O.O
Me:  No, actually, I got fat since you saw me last.  Is that a problem?  xD
Boy:  Well, I'd prefer if you weren't a total skeleton like me xP

I'm not sure whether to laugh or cry.

schoolwork

As I'm planning to spend the day studying like a monster, I'll post quickly now...

Yesterday went swimmingly.  To stop myself from binging, I let myself have a handful of potato chips, a couple of Raisinets, and *wince* a brownie.

But oh, goodness...  that brownie?  Quite possibly worth the self-hatred I endured after.  It was orgasmic, nothing else to be said about it.  So I ended the day with about 700 calories.  More than I like, but apparently...

...enough to be 87 lbs this morning :)

Hope you're all smiling, beauties!  Have a wonderful day.

PS:  Feel free to keep asking questions!  I enjoyed Bella's question a lot.

distractions and questions

PSATs went really well!  Yay!  And Mom didn't get up to make me breakfast so I got away with my usual hard boiled egg white (17).

At the moment, however, I'm in a spot of bother.  Found out that the extended family is coming over tonight, which is 95% of the time a binge for me - my family LOVES food.  I had planned to skip lunch, but I know that if I do, I'll be waaaaay too hungry tonight, and it will be bad.  So, I pulled out my handy dandy nut mixture - I pick out the almonds and eat 5 for 35 calories, protein, energy, and feeling full.  Plus, I try to eat a TINY bit for breakfast/lunch most days (usually I have a third of an apple for lunch, and the egg white for breakfast), keep my metabolism sort of going :P  Anyway, then I was like, "Well, one walnut can't be that many calories...  or one soybean...  or one cashew... CRAPCRAPCRAP I NEED TO STOP!"  So I quickly put them away and dashed off to here to distract myself...  But I'm so hungry >.<  My body is starving but mind will freak, and I mean FREAK, if I binge...  Distracting self, distracting!  Don't think about food!  Think about 88 pounds and then 87...  Breathe, breathe, breathe.

I hope that wasn't too many calories =/  I hate going over 50 for breakfast/lunch because I have to eat dinner and act normal with the family every night...  And today is supposed to be my day off running!  My running is getting worse and worse without enough food, and that's bad...  My legs are just exhausted alllllll the time :P

Argh.  I'll do some homework and try not to think about food, and under NO circumstances will I binge tonight.  NOT.  HAPPENING.

Hmmm, idea:

In order to help distract me, please comment with any/all questions you've got about me/my life/etc.  :]  I'll do my best to answer!  Thanks girls.

quick update

Gah, so busy.  How are all of you?  (I'm actually asking there, not much time to check blogs so comment to let me know!)

Taking PSATs tomorrow morning =/  Hopefully my mom won't force a "good" breakfast on me...  gag me.

88 pounds *bows*

Hope your Friday was lovely :)

lucidity

Lucidity...?
To explain:

I weigh a solid 89, as of this morning.

To give myself a little pick me up, 'cause this has been one of THOSE weeks so far, I decided to wear a new outfit I'd been saving.  Black skinny jeans, dark grey ankle boots, dark grey tank top, light gray sweater/cover thing and fun new earrings.  (Not sure if I've mentioned this, but I am an earring FREAK.  I have four piercings and I wear earrings every day.  Love them.)  So I'm feeling pretty nice, go to school, get tons of compliments on the outfit, blahblahblah...

Then this one girl, who I use as total thinspiration - she's gorgeous - told me I looked "ridiculously skinny."  I do my usual smile/thanks/avoid subject, but it was a great self-esteem booster, ya know?  So next period, I go to the bathroom and happen to look in the mirror; I usually avoid it.

And HOLY MOLY - I WAS THIN.  I actually stopped in my tracks and stared at my reflection.  It was like some switch had been flipped in my brain and I was afraid to move lest I see the fat again...

As a writer, I tend to describe everything around me in my head as if I was writing it.  I never, ever describe myself positively, as you probably guessed.  But at that moment, I saw beauty.  (And I'm not at all asking for compliments here; I'm just recounting the weirdness of it all.)  I have brown/gold hair and it was looking awesome today, my eye-makeup picked up the blue/green of my eyes perfectly, my cheekbones looked even higher and more accented than normal, my lips were full and lovely, my neck was long and came down to an elegant collarbone, my arms were thin and graceful with bony wrists and long thin fingers, my waist tiny, my hip bones poking out through the tank, my thighs didn't (and don't!) touch when I stand with my knees together...  it was amazing.  I was astonished.  I was transfixed.

I had to PEE.

And when I looked in the mirror again, it was gone.  It was bizarre.  I'm thinking it came from all this contemplation of how screwed up my best friend and I actually are...  I can't bring myself to tell anyone on her.  It'd just make me a hypocrite, because I'm just as much of a mess and I don't want help, and I'd kill her if she told on me.  So...  yeah.

We'll just carry on being screw-ups together.

I had other stuff to tell you girls, but of course I don't remember it now.  Anyway, hope everyone is having a lovely day.  Love you all, and thanks so much again for all the support.  You girls ROCK.

busy

Mad busy again.

I'm hovering 89/90.  I'm praying.  I'm worrying.  Sigh.

Love you.

You'll Be In My Heart

YOU'LL BE IN MY HEART
by Phil Collins


Come stop your crying
It will be all right
Just take my hand Hold it tight 

I will protect you
from all around you
I will be here
Don't you cry 

For one so small,
you seem so strong
My arms will hold you,
keep you safe and warm
This bond between us
Can't be broken
I will be here
Don't you cry 

'Cause you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on
Now and forever more 

You'll be in my heart
No matter what they say
You'll be here in my heart, always 

Why can't they understand
the way we feel
They just don't trust
what they can't explain
I know we're different but,
deep inside us
We're not that different at all 

And you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on
Now and forever more 

Don't listen to them
'Cause what do they know
We need each other,
to have, to hold
They'll see in time
I know 

When destiny calls you
You must be strong
I may not be with you
But you've got to hold on
They'll see in time
I know
We'll show them together 

'Cause you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on,
Now and forever more 

Oh, you'll be in my heart
No matter what they say
You'll be in my heart, always
Always 




This song almost never fails to bring me to tears.  It's utterly beautiful.  And my bffl, you know who you are, if you're by any small chance reading this...  I love you to the moon and back, and I'm praying.  I'm praying hard.  
PS:  Yes, I found this song from the Disney movie Tarzan.  Disney rules.

what do you do...

...when your best friend in the world is dying right before your eyes?

And your mind, no, your entire SOUL is screaming with every particle of your being to help her, dear God, get her help before you lose her, but you can't because

what's killing her

is the same demonmonster that's killing you?

normalcy fail

I honestly gave it my all.

I tried to be normal, for two days.

I can't do.  Girls, I just can't.  The monster inside is too strong.

So, I'm back with a vengeance - I've (duh) gained some weight.  *shudder*  90 was so perfect =/  I'll work it off - I think I'm at 91/92 now.  I will be thin, I will be perfect, I will shine.

Wish me luck lovelies <3

self-control

I lack it.

I did AMAZING last night, and I've completely screwed up today already.  Dammit.  *sobsigh*

I was 89 this morning.  I won't be tomorrow morning.

I'm trying to think of it as healthy for my body, make my running better, I've got til Thanksgiving to be solidly in the 80s, boost my metabolism...  but oh God, the voices in my head are SHRIEKING at me, Posie the fattyfatfat stupid hungry spineless pig WHALE.

I will not let them in.
I MUST not let them win.
But they will.  I'm starting to think it's inevitable.
Love <3

britni

http://loved2bethin.blogspot.com/

Help this lovely girl.  For me.  Brit, honey - I love you <3

update and can't think of a clever title

Hello lovelies!  Finally I think I have time to catch up.  Life is soooo crazy busy >.<

First things first:  This morning, I weighed 90 pounds.  BMI 15.9.  Remember how happy I was to hit double digits?  Now I'm psyched for the 80s...

This week was AWESOME, I barely ate anything because I was hardly ever home; most days I was in the negative range for calories and without being home, Mum couldn't get on my case!

However... it's my little brother's birthday today.  Frick.  Dinner tonight will be his favorite food...  mac and cheese.  The homemade kind with like 14 zillion tons of butter and pasta and of course, CHEESE.  Just, please, kill me now - I can't leave and miss his birthday, or not eat it - he'd be so upset, and honestly, I love the kid like you wouldn't even believe.  He's the only one who can ALWAYS cheer me up; I love him to death.

And we're having ANOTHER party for him/family gathering tomorrow.  So, when my next post is absolutely freaking out, that's why.  It's also extremely hard to get out of eating during the day on weekends for me, 'cause Mom is still watching me so closely, and without school...

I've already had yogurt (100) and a couple cheerios (25ish) =/  I plan on running and biking later, hopefully will have the time and the energy and then the strength to resist binging on mac and cheese and other stuff this weekend :(  AND it's a LONG weekend.  GAH.

But:  I'm really trying to have a more positive attitude.  Any eating I do this weekend I'm going to try to think of as helpful to my body, because my running is going WAY downhill and Coach is starting to ask questions.  I know I'll end up having a panic attack anyway, but I can hope...

So, on to other things.  Mum is still watching me very closely when she can, and my cousin that I've probably mentioned is being watched too =/  It's nice that people notice/comment on how skinny I am, but I just want them to screw off about my eating.  You know?

A thousand million thanks to all my loyal followers and especially y'all who comment - I have no words for how much it means to me <3  It's so wonderful not to be alone.  Every comment is like a smile for me, and heaven knows I need smiles haha :P

Some replies for you:
BellaAna:  Thanks for asking for some of my awesomeness!  That was a huge smile for me because YOU are one of MY biggest thinspirations <3
pixiestix:  Is this post long enough?  ;)  Thanks for all the wonderful comments; I love your blog!
lovelybones:  Thank you <3  this long enough? :]  Your comments always always cheer me up.
Britni:  Thank you too!  I'm loving the gorgeous weather.  Hope you're doing well <3

And now a super special note to Isobel:  Girl, I love you more than I can say.  It means the world to me that a total stranger would care enough to worry about another total stranger.  Whenever I get upset, I've actually started to think of you and try to be alright...  You're the best.  You'll always, always look like Natalie Portman in my head <3  And you're right; I AM tiny... and I just don't see it.  I'm kind of in a mad rush to get as small (read: sick :P) as I can before the doctor finds out, which will be eventually...  I just can't stomach (haha, stomach) the thought of NOT losing any more weight.  I NEED weight loss.  I'm not denying for a moment that I have a disease and that I'm sick in the head and crazy...  I'm just not at the point where I can stop that.  I'd go truly insane.
Your last post, I kid you not, made me cry.  It's only been a few days and I miss your wonderful self coming up in my reading list like CRAZY.
You are not by any stretch of the imagination a fat loser.  YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL and I pray that you can see that.  Your "just living" is my dream living, remember that.  I respect you so, so much, and I hope that you can come back soon - even if you aren't losing any weight, I still want to hear from you, ok?  Read every single comment on your last post and know that EVERY SINGLE ONE IS TRUE.  We all love you and support you NO MATTER WHAT.  I love you to the moon and back and God bless <3

Whew, that was long.  That's all I've got for today - I'm sending everyone love and hugs and thin wishes.  Think thin, stay strong, and smile because you're alive,
Love,
Posie

PS:  Here's a story to make you sob...  (I did...)
My little brother just walked into the room and sat down next to me (I switched screens to a paper I'm writing).  I asked him what's up.  He mumbled something about nothing much...  So I went back to typing my paper.
Then he blurts out, "Are you gonna eat my mac and cheese tonight?"
"Of course, li'l bro, why wouldn't I?"  (Thinking that I wish to heck I didn't HAVE to...)
"I was just worried that you wouldn't, 'cause, you know... it's fattening and stuff... and you don't really eat enough food anymore and you're so skinny and it's not good..."
No joke, I burst into tears.  I love that boy more than I can everever say.

s00per short

91 pounds, HELL YEAH.
I'll post long tomorrow, promise <3

sun

After WEEKS of rain here where I live, the SUN finally came out!  It was the perfect touch to a mostly very good day.  (And so nice to not be damp and miserable - the weather never fails to affect my mood.)

I'm at about 92.5 pounds!  Probably ate too much potato soup today to have lost any for tomorrow though :P  It was just soooo good...  good gracious.  I'm so weak lately :(  My body is revolting - I'll space out and suddenly I'm EATING!  AGAIN!  >.<  Just have to be stronger.  I can do this.  

Soooo busybusybusy.  After the weekend, Mum has backed off a bit, thank goodness.

Still lovin' y'all, still owing you a longer post.  This long weekend - bless Columbus and his holiday!

looking up

Hopefully, things are looking up.  It's always darkest before the dawn.

I'm insanely busy again, I owe you girls a long post and catch up on your blogs <3  I'm reading but not commenting much, sorry!

I'm at 93 pounds now...  I've decided that I want to be under 90 by Thanksgiving.  I know it's a long time for such a small goal, but yeah...

Love y'all.

i can't even think straight enough to make a title

I have no idea where to begin, so this is just going to be a rant in no particular order.

Mom found out I weighed 93.  I insisted that night that it's xc/school/stress/etc.  Friday morning I weigh 92, but she doesn't find that out.  Parents force a normal (aka HUGE) dinner on me Friday night.  I feel like such shit cause of that I kind of FREAK OUT and eat like a normal person (which is completely binging for me) all Saturday and so far all today and I haven't even exercised AT ALL DAMMIT.  I can't seem to stop.  I don't know what's going on.  My body is revolting against all this poison food but I CAN'T FUCKING STOP and I'm also (tmi here) sooo stopped up that I don't know how much I weigh and it's killing me and I don't know what to do, I'm shaking and crying and eating and not-puking but I tried, I failed myself and tried to purge but I couldn't and I don't know why and
dear
God

I
am
going
insane.