If you want things to be different, perhaps the answer is to become different yourself.

- Norman Vincent Peale

gonna be mia - and by mia i mean missing in action, sadly

Family will be arriving sooner than expected, so things here are gonna get HECTIC and INSANE any minute now haha :/

I'll be back eventually.

My plan for this long weekend (which starts TOMORROW, FRICK) is just go with the flow.

Whatever happens, happens.

I'm gonna gain WAY too much weight, it's inevitable with my family and holidays.  Hopefully I can enjoy myself and have some fun and see family.  

However, at the moment I'm (hopefully over) estimating myself to be around 85-88 pounds, judging purely on how my clothes fit (haven't gotten any tighter since Mom took the scales) and how I look (the gap between my thighs is the same) - if I can act like a pig like everyone else normal through this weekend, maybe *crosses fingers* I can get Mom to give me the scale back.  And by the end of this hellish weekend, I'll hate myself SO much that I can go back to starving and losing full time with a vengeance.  And if I can weigh and see how much I gained and how much of a total fatass I've become, it'll be even better.

Dear God, I wish I could purge.  My ability seems to be friggin gone.

How sick and twisted is my mind?  I hate it in here.

To all you Americans - good luck with Thanksgiving.  My heart and soul are with ya.

To you non-Americans - lucky bastards.  Enjoy getting skinny while I get fat.

Sigh.

Missing you all already,
Posie

failure monday

a;lskdjafdls;rlkjdfal;ksdjfasdlfa;kdsf

I hate Mondays, and I hate being forced to eat.

I just want to curl up in a ball and cry for awhile and then sleep and not move or eat and gaaaahhhh :(

I NEED TO KNOW HOW MUCH I FREAKING WEIGH.  I'm going insane, dying, crying, aughhhhhhhhhhhh.

I hate Mondays.  Today was bad.

Today:  ~715 calories - wtf.  wtf.  wtf.

Input:  ~905 - what.  the.  hell.
hard boiled egg white (17)
apple (37)
skinless chicken leg (~180)
green beans (25)
cous cous (645???  WTF?  WHAT IS IN THAT CRAP AND WHY DID MOM MAKE ME EAT IT!?  RAGEEEEEEEEEE >.< D: *sob*)

Output:  ~185
running
abs
[+ whatever I have time to do later, hopefully leg lifts and more abs]

I hate Mondays.

Have I mentioned I don't like Mondays?

busy weekends

So.  freaking.  busy.  Still owing an update, life is just INSANE.

I actually kind of hate weekends now, because I'm at home and watched and forced to eat NORMALLY and even more than normally for three meals a day because I'm supposed to be GAINING weight.  Ah, no.  Help x_x

And Mom is so strict about letting me out of the house cause she knows I probably won't eat.  And when I did go out yesterday, Boy made me eat because of crap that went down that I don't have time to elaborate on right now, ugh.  Soon.

Friday was a good day, I think I stayed under 300 calories even with going to the movies to see HP!  (Which was A-FRICKIN-MAZING, btw.  Loveeeee.  And how gorgeous is Emma Watson!?)

Saturday and today are...  not.

I hate it, I hate this.  At least I have three school days where I can skip 2 meals before
*scary music*
Thanksgiving.
And a long weekend, in which family is ALL STAYING AT MY HOUSE.

Good heavens.

I'm terrified.  Actually, legitimately, terrified.

owe you girls a longer update cause life is crazy...

...but I'm SO busy right now.

This weekend, promise.  Life's been...  insane.

Today:  ~470 calories.

Input:  ~500
hard boiled egg white (17)
spoonful of cereal [courtesy of Mom...] (25)
half whole wheat bagel [courtesy of lunch date with Boy] (145)
slice whole wheat bread (57)
slice bacon [*shudder* Mom literally forced this on me.  It wasn't pretty.] (55)
lettuce (20)
slice turkey (20)
slice cheese [ditto the bacon] (70)
hard boiled egg (70)
grape tomatoes (20)

Output:  pathetic ~31...
abs
[+18 minutes leg lifts - seriously, how many calories do these burn??]

Yes, I need to tell you girls what's been up >.<

Soon.

Love <3

hump day, finally

Tomorrow's Thursday and I'm treating myself to lunch with the Boy!  We'll see how this goes haha... =/

Short post today, busy with homework.  How're all of you?

Today:  ~165 calories

Input: ~525
hard boiled egg white (17)
quarter apple (18)
spaghetti (197)
tomato sauce (50)
meatball (147)
lettuce (15)
peppers (22)
multigrain bread (57)

Output:  ~400
biking
abs
[16 minutes leg lifts - anyone?  calories burned doing leg lifts?]

Stay strong :]

pancakes and cereal

Yes girls.  Pancakes for dinner.  And guess who made and flipped them?

Me.

Guess who had a massive headache this morning and decided to eat some cereal for breakfast (and the only kind we had around was a binge starter (Kashi GoLean Crisp yummm) of mine) to help with the dizziness?

Me.

Guess who didn't binge AT ALL?

ME!

Today: ~-30 calories (yeah, that's a NEGATIVE sign!  and it's actually less, because of the leg lifts!)

Input:  ~325 calories
hard boiled egg white (17)
spoonful of cereal (~32)
quarter apple (18)
lettuce (20)
tomato (16)
two pancakes (220)

Output: ~355 calories
biking
abs

[+ 16 minutes of leg lifts, but I don't know how much that burned...  Anyone know?  I'd greatly appreciate it.]

It would have been one pancake, but Mom made me have another :P  At least I faked that I'd had more and resisted ACTUALLY having more AND chocolate chip pancakes!  Ahh, they are soooo good...  but so not worth the guilt - plus, NEGATIVES!  YEAH!

I'm so pumped :)

Just gotta make it through tomorrow and I'll let myself have lunch with Boy :)

Hope all you girls are doing amazingly, thanks again for comments and everything - and 30 followers, wow!  If I'm not following you just leave a comment and I will :)

Think thin(ner!),
Posie

Happy Raisin Bran Day

Horray for random holidays - most of them are dedicated to food haha.  Our whole society/culture is based on food.  It's hysterical and nauseating at the same time.

Today:  ~105 calories

Input:  ~400
hard boiled egg white (17)
third apple (31)
whole wheat roll (160)
half turkey burger (75)
salad (20)
broccoli (62)
tomato (10)

Output:  ~270
running
biking
abs
leg lifts

Cool.  Should have been lower, but the whole roll was forced on me at dinner =/  Ah well, I successfully resisted french fries with the thought of having to post that garbage here.

Boyfriend wants to take me out to lunch to get bagels on Thursday, so I think I'll let myself go if I can keep this up through then.  So restrict as much as possible tomorrow and Wednesday and breakfast/dinner Thursday.  I'll also try to work out extra that day and not eat much at lunch.  We'll see.

Thanksgiving is coming :/
Eek.

look how much she eats

Posie can't have an eating disorder, look how much she eats.

That's what I'm chalking this weekend up to.

I hate myself, so, so, so much.

I've forgotten what normal feels like.  I've forgotten what normal is.

This week - in fact, all the way until (ugh) Thanksgiving, I will be so strong.

So strong that I will lose weight even under the eyes of my mother and friends.

I will get my scale back.  I will lose.  I will be strong.

This will happen.

To motivate me, I promise to post EVERY SINGLE THING that I let past my lips.  So that if I'm even TEMPTED, I'll have to answer to you girls, and I can't disappoint you.

This will work.

It has to.

license

I passed my driving test!  :)  Finally, some freedom.

I've been talking to Mom and I think I persuaded her to get out the scales...  *crosses fingers*  We'll see.  None of my clothes fit any differently so I've gained a minimal amount if any, no idea about losses.

My friend who thinks I'm "too skinny" is visiting this weekend, so I'll probably be forced to eat a lot >.<  Argh.  Oh well, we shall see, and I was in the negatives for yesterday.  (It would have been a fast, but I figured taking a driving test like that wasn't such a brilliant idea, so I ate a mushroom omelet.)

Have a lovely weekend girls <3  Thanks again for every single comment, especially Molly and Isobel, you never fail to make my day a little brighter :)
Love,
Posie

caffeine

Is it possible to OD on caffeine?


A crappy day.  I hate me, I hate me, I hate me all the time most of the time.  I like me when Boy holds me and tells me I'm beautiful.  I hate me when I'm dependent like that.

"Without something to hate, we should lose the very spring of thought and action."

~William Hazlitt

control

I am bringing control back to my life, slowly but surely.

I love control, if you couldn't tell.

Today:
Breakfast:  egg white (~17) and some cereal (~30?) because Mom walked in on me "eating"
Lunch:  1/3 apple (~30)
Snack, as forced by Mom:  cup of mango (~110 - wth?  it's fruit!  arrgh.)
Dinner, which I will be forced to have some (read: too freakin' much) of, will be quiche, at about 200 calories a slice...  Blergh.

Ran 3 miles, will do my abs/weights/etc. later, maybe some biking.  If I time, with the butt-ton of homework I have.

On the bright side, today is my six-month anniversary with Boy :D  I love him.

Honor Regzig:  Thank you for the internet hugs *hugs back*

bonanified:  Binges vary from eating too much for my liking to a full-on, out of control mindless rampage to eat everything in sight.  And I mean EVERYTHING.  It's terrifying.

binge

Dammit, why do I do this to myself?  Honestly?

Without scales I have nothing to keep me accountable.  I hate this I hate me I have way too much hate in my life.

I need to stop cutting.  I need a hug and a good cry and some SLEEP :[

It was not a good Monday.

survey

A question for you girls - I appreciate every comment and every answer here, thanks.

What would you be doing in my position?  Having read my blog and learned about my life...  what would you do if you were Posie?

Hope you all had a lovely day <3

explanations and returns

Well now.  Here's a brain-vomit post for you lovely ladies.


First of all, Anonymous's comment on my last post made me cry.  Thanks, bitch.  If that's what you think, take a look at that sidebar there.  Yeah, wannarexics usually weigh as much as middle schoolers when they're 17.  BITCH.  Here's to proving you WRONG.


Second, obviously I'm as much of a failure at health as I am at other stuff :/

Physically, my body feels great (if bloated and distended and FAT) from all the food my mother's been shoving down my throat.

Mentally, I'm a WRECK.  A complete loony-bin-falling-apart wreck.

She did some research on EDs and realized that I, wow, have a problem!  And that 90 is not a healthy weight!  And then

(yeah, girls.  She went there.)


She took the scales.

I snapped.

Screw her, screw health.

I have no idea how much I weigh, and it's terrifying.  As soon as I'm home alone, I'm going to tear the house apart trying to find them.

For now, I'm taking each day as it comes.  She forces me to eat, whatever.  The less fuss I put up, the more she'll trust me, etc. etc.  All that nonsense.  I'm just gonna do my best to never gain weight.

Ever again.

Take that, world.

Posie's back.

How are all of you?  I don't have time to catch up on blogs really, but I missed you girls like mad.

unknowns

I don't know what this means for me, or anyone.  My GW for Thanksgiving was anything in the 80s...

But my mom made me get on the scale in front of her.

It said 82 pounds.

And I broke down.  We cried together and I told her everything, literally everything.  How much I hate myself, the guilt, the fear, the starving, the cold, the guilt, the hunger, the guiltguiltguilt every time I eat.

She's going to try to help me.

I'm going to get better.

Or at least...  I'm going to try for my definition of better.  Which is basically happy and still skinny, without a complete paralyzing fear of food/social engagements that involve food/etc.

She says she only wants me to get out of the 80s.  So once the scale says 90 (BMI 15.9), if I haven't gone insane, I'll maintain.  Until something snaps or I get really better or what.

(She doesn't know I rigged the scale so it says a pound heavier than I actually am.  So at 90, I'll actually be 89, and I can keep that knowledge inside if I need to.)

I love you all, more than I can say.  I'm not going to stop blogging, but I probably won't have as much to say.

Memento mori - remember you must die.

So live every day like it's your last.

I just want to be happy.  Pray for me, please.

A million pounds of love,
Posie

30

It's official...  I've lost 30 pounds since I was told to not lose any.

112 pounds to 82 pounds this morning.

Yup.

Although we have a long weekend this week :/  So I doubt I'll be able to maintain 82...  as long as I don't gain TOO much :P

alskdfajsdk;fajdls;faj;slurlskdjfa;sldkfja;lskd.  Head on keyboard.  I just want to be normal...  but I don't think I can be.

How are all of you?

flowers

My daddy bought me flowers today <3

Just 'cause he loves me.



I have nothing more to say.  I hope you all smiled today as much as I did.

Happy NaNoWriMo!

Happy November!

Anyone doing NaNoWriMo, just out of curiosity?  It's on my bucket list, but not this year, because add that to my life and I think my brain would spontaneously combust haha :P

83 still this morning, and I even indulged yesterday!

Halloween ended up to be:
cereal for breakfast (~50, give or take)
celery with almond butter for lunch (~120, give or take)
lettuce and spaghetti with red sauce and TWO, yes TWO! meatballs for dinner (~650, give or take)
one mini 100 Grand bar (93)
one mini Three Musketeers bar (63)
one mini package M&Ms (166)

total = ~1200 calories, give or take
Whew!  It felt like SOOOO much food oh my goodnesss (but so good, ahhhh those meatballs...), thank goodness I probably didn't go too much over my BMR.

So, Isobel :]  I did eat some sweets!  And they were godly.  And I didn't beat myself up too much.  Takin' life as it comes.  Thanks love, your comments ALWAYS make my day!

Today I won't have time to exercise because of studying :(  But I'll just try to maintain, no gains.  It'll be ok.

November.  New month.
I resolve to smile more.
What do you resolve?

Smiles,
Posie

PS:  Yup, that's a haiku :)