alive, y'all

so i'm alive, y'all
just checking in...  anyone still there?  if i get a comment, i'll post a life update, otherwise i'm done here.

this is me now: http://flowerstricken-sunlight.tumblr.com

it's time to say good bye

It's been real, guys.  I'm going to miss you all so much, but I have to live life in the real world now.  My closest friends here are there now, anyway.  Isobel was my inspiration as always.

It's time to break out of the mirror.  I'm leaving this blog up in case I ever want to post again, but don't expect it.  Don't use me as inspiration.  Use me as a warning.  I was [am] a very sick girl.  But I'm looking up.

"There is, in the end, the letting go."
Marya Hornbacher, Wasted

Love always,
Posie

have fight with boyfriend

skip meals all day
#anorexicproblems

it may be time

to leave blogger behind.

If I was to create a tumblr based around my life and ED and recovery, would those of you with tumblers follow me?  Even just a Y/N comment would be great, thanks!

i refuse

to be triggered by my still sick friends

to listen to the voices that say fatfatfat weakweakweak

I choose to acknowledge that I am strong.

Even when I don't feel it.

Please comment with what you would to see in an update about my life, ED, recovery, etc.

eating today

I ate a normal sized, healthy breakfast (cereal and fruit).

I ate a normal sized, very healthy lunch (turkey/avocado wrap).

I even snacked a little (rice cake).

I will eat a normal size, healthy dinner (turkey burger).

I am 5'3", I am almost 19 years old, and I weigh 115 pounds.  This is a 33 pound weight gain from my lowest and sickest, and a 5 pound loss from my highest and also sickest.  It's not the weight, it's the mindset.

I know for a fact that I can maintain this weight.  Sure, I'd rather maintain lower.  I may hate the way I look, but it's nice to have confidence that I can eat normally and be afraid of magically ballooning out overnight.  It's nice to know that I'll lose weight the healthy way until my body is the best that it can be.

This has been a recovery post brought to you by "Fake it til you make it" Posie.

a note to myself

Darling.  Darling, dearest Posie.

There is nothing left to prove.

No, there is one thing left to prove.  You showed the world that you can do it.  Now show the world that you can not do it.  Step out of the graveyard.  Live.

Please live.  There is so much beauty in this world, too much to give up for a fleeting chance at "perfection."  Perfection is a lie, a myth.  There is no perfect.  You can merely embrace your flaws, be they thighs or scars or a laugh that's too loud when you're full of joy.

These things were never flaws, anyway.  

a novel idea

MAINTENANCE.

My EDbrain doesn't understand it.  But my body can apparently do it.  Even if I'm maintaining at disgusting


I've made the decision to revamp this blog to reflect my recovery over my relapses.  Currently I seem to only post negative stuff, and I want to change that.  As soon as I have my own computer, anyway.  I'll also [finally!] post like a massive update about my life/ED/recovery/etc.

Isobel, maybe you're gone and will never see this, but you've inspired me.  I owe you a lot.  So thank you.

clarification

Judging by the comments on my last post, some people seem to not realize that I have been "in recovery" for almost two years now.

"In recovery" is a very vague term.  I was merely postulating about how difficult it is to unite the two opposing views I hold - ED vs normal.  I was originally forced into "recovery" and have since been on/off about anorexia and wanting to recover.

I struggle a lot.  Every single goddamn day.  I have relapsed pretty severely, I have gained a ton of weight, I have binged, I have starved, I have done it all in the two years.  But honestly, "in recovery" is a silly way of saying it.  I am just me.

cognitive dissonance

"cognitive dissonance"the state of having inconsistent thoughts, beliefs, or attitudes, esp. as relating to behavioural decisions and attitude change

I am in recovery.

It's time to stop lying to myself.  I cannot live in this halfway world.  I cannot claim to be "recovered" and "healthy" when on the inside I know it's a lie.

I have to go all or none.  I have to want it.

The problem is that I don't want it.  I don't want it enough.

I want to be healthy and happy and bright and alive and moving&dancing.

I want to be scaryskinny and bony and dead dying and cold and lightasafeather and "special."

How can two such opposite ideas exist in me at once?

isobel

please

don't leave me here

don't leave me in this hell alone 

please just a last message

i know i'm pathetic sorry

i eat a lot

but it's healthy.

Healthy.

What is that concept.

And why am I so screwed up inside?

sorry i'm such a crap blogger

But here's a brief update:

-I graduated finally thank goodness get me to college already
-I'm working as a babysitter and getting paid well, also GOOD KIDS AND NO TAXES SCORE
-I don't know how much I weigh but I think it's a little bit less
-I've been relatively good with my eating
-Summer means more exercise which is good, getting back in shape finally
-I "came out" to my friends and all, as I talked about, and everyone was amazing about it
-I've only cut a few times in the last couple months
-the Boy and I are doing so well <3
-I saw the ex-Boy and looked hot, or so my friends told me, I never think so, but whatever
-etc.

Please comment with questions so I know what you guys want to know about my life!  I'm gonna try to post more often now :)

Love love love.

alive, swamped, will graduate (finally) soon

post then

prom weekend ROCKED

will post a proper update asap!

prom weekend

I'll be missing in action (that awkward moment when I can't abbreviate that to MIA here haha) this weekend.

Wish me luck.  Maybe I'll upload a picture if I feel especially daring.

Love you all!

a step in the right direction?

All I seem to eat lately is fruits and veggies and drink water and iced tea.

I feel so full all the time cause I eat so much (too much) but it's better than junk food.

Right?

isobel

You really made my day with that post.

Loling.  Needed that.  Thanks girl.

decision

I am going to university to become a nutritionist.  It's time people in my real life knew why.

I'm going to "come out" about my eating disorder to my friends who don't know.

What do you guys think?  Have you ever done anything similar?  How did it go?

i know what it's like

"But I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. You hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside. ...How the hell am I supposed to recover when I don't even understand my disease?"

Girl Interrupted 

nothing to report

studying my ass off.  ya know, the usual.

how are you all?

shark week

ergh.

What I want to do:  eat chocolate and junk food.

What I am doing:  not eating.  Or rather, eating very little.

Pass the test of normalcy.  

still busy

but i was doing really well for awhile

utterly fucked up this weekend [fatfuckuselessbitchworthlesswhorewhybotherlivingjustcutandstarve]

but i'll get back on track tomorrow

i have to
i need to
thinthinthin

i'll update when i can

i can feel myself falling again and i can't don't want to stop it

been awhile

but i've lost a bit!

will post a proper update soon, when my busy schedule calms down

so i haven't weighed myself

but hunger pangs are good, right?

the rest of my life

STARTS RIGHT NOW.

I'm done with this shit.  Healthy, happy, in control, confident, and more - this will be me.

Not to mention drop dead gorgeous and knock em dead thin.

i hope.  help me?

yes

i wrote the poem in the last post

love is found in bodies

in the slope of bare backs

pooled in the hollows of collarbones

curled in the curve of a hip

in the sharp angel wings

of shoulderblades

jutting above bedsheets

in the fire left

by fingertips 

traced over skin

cooled by kisses

in legs tangled together and

hands cupped on cheeks

fingers twined and 

arms wrapped around

each other.

a question

I'm working on an assignment for English class.

A poem.

And I need some inspiration, so I ask you all a question:

What does it mean to you to have an eating disorder?

things

things that i love:  the Boy, spring, sun, daffodils, grass, bare feet, the sound of a keyboard, the taste of mango, the smell of rain, the feel of velvet, painted fingernails, thigh gap, braids, scented markers.

things that i hate:  wannarexics.

etc.

hello my name is

hello my name is [name]

i am a [recovered] [recovering] [current] anorexic and self-harmer

but that is not who i am


hello my name is [name]

i am not my ED

i am not my self-harm

i am me

a picture

Here are my legs.  Last year.  During the time the scale was taken away.  So I'm guesstimating I weighed around 90 pounds.  Maybe less.  Maybe more.  The jeans are a 0.

I'm just a fatass now.  Stuck at 115 and can't seem to do a damn thing about it.  Donated those jeans.  Ha.

I hate me.

alive

just in limbo

getting rejected from uni sucks

i'm 4 out of 5 acceptances now

always failing at perfection

inspired by Isobel

Please give your opinions - do I revamp this blog?  Make it pro-health?

Clarification: I am not pro-ana.  I am pro-me-not-giving-a-flying-fuck-about-myself.  But I want to change that.

Maybe if I change my blog I can change myself.  I don't know.

Comment please?

love someone

who will hold your hand,
kiss your neck, shoulders, anywhere,
look into your eyes,
stroke your hair, and tuck it behind your ear,
bite your lip while kissing,
watch you instead of the movie,
put their head in your lap,
catch your face and kiss you,
tell you you are beautiful and really truly mean it.

Love someone who will love you back - mind, body, and soul.

Love someone who doesn't care that you hate yourself,
because they love you enough for both of you,
someone who kisses your scars,
knows your story,
holds you when you cry,
protects you from yourself,
and loves you all the same.

Love someone.

HELP

All my lovely followers:  I try not to do things like this often, but Isobel is special to my heart.

Head over HERE please, and help her out!

Many thanks darlings,
Posie

my anything

If I could have anything, what would I want?

I would want to be happy.

I would break the mirror that lies behind my eyes, telling me nonono, you're fat fat fat, all the time.  I would mute the never ending scream of uglyworthlessfatbitchwhorefatfatfat that plays in my head.

I would be happy.  I will be happy.  I can be happy.

But I don't know how.  I don't know how to stop this sick merry go round.

Within a year, I lost and gained the same 30+ pounds.  I went from healthy to dying to "healthy" and fat again.  I have cut myself, from my face to my ribs to my wrists to hips to my thighs.  I have burned, punched, pinched, scratched, hurt myself.  I have scarred myself, inside and outside.

I have lost love and gained love.  I have hurt and been hurt.

But most of all, I have broken me.  Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.  Words didn't hurt me, words have helped save me.  Numbers.  Numbers have hurt me.

82 is my number.  It haunts me.  It lurks behind my eyelids, whispering.

Just three more pounds to 79, just three.  You weak fuck, you couldn't even do that.  Three more pounds and maybe you would have been happy.  You disgust me.

If I could have anything?  I would erase what I've done.  I would be happy.

I would be happy.

sorry this is so rambling

if you could have anything

and I mean ANYTHING, anything at all

what would it be?

nothing to report

still a fatass whale

but doing my best

LOL JK

Still crazy

i think i'm having an epiphany

Can I fix myself?

a note

Read this.

Well-written, informative, accurate.  Thank you very much to Kim.

For the benefit of new followers, old ones who are confused, whatever, I want to clear some things up.

I have never been officially diagnosed.  Therefore, according to Kim, I am self-diagnosed.  However, I am 100% positive that had I allowed my mother to take me to a doctor (I have a terrible fear of them, that's another story), I would have been solidly diagnosed with AN and [probably] hospitalized.

At the worst of my ED (which is undeniable, it's an ED and not just disordered eating), i.e. fall of 2010, I weighed 82 pounds.  I am 5'3", which puts me at a BMI of 14.5.  Anything under 15 is considered starvation.  I was eating [far] less than 900 calories a day, which is medically considered a starvation diet.

Anyone want to dispute my self-diagnosis?  Currently, I would be EDNOS - not underweight, not severely restricting, but definitely disordered.

Anyone who thinks I'm a wanna - comment.  Fight me.  I dare you.

Apologies, but I'm currently hardcore hating on a real life wanna.  So I'm "proving" myself.

Comments appreciated.

/end rant.

Valentine's Day

How were everyone's!?

Mine was wonderful.  I'll update for real sometime soon - but I want to hear about yours!

because the night

I adore this song.

On a random note:  Does anyone else find that they relate everything to their eating disorder?  All songs, books, etc...  everything.  Everything revolves around my eating disorder.

that feeling

That feeling when you're hungry -- and still don't want to eat.

So you don't.

I'm getting back in the game.  I'm doing this.  Who's with me?

//EDIT:  then your mother forces you to eat.  dammit. dammit. dammit. ugh.

so far today

less than half an apple

I fucked up last night - mixed blessing.  At least it's motivation!

Keep me strong.  Strong.

sleeping?

No, no, no, silly!  Sleeping is for people who aren't ranked as high in school as you, people who don't want to go to college, people with time for things other than studying.

I'll sleep when I'm dead.

Isn't senior year supposed to be fun?


On a different note, I've started applying for jobs.  Need money.

2/08/12

258 calories today so far.

Not including exercise yet to be done - soon!

Let's do this.  Slowly but surely.

Also it's COLD.

slowly

I'm slowly improving.

I mess up.  I'm not perfect.

But I'm always improving.  Can anyone ask me for more?

yes.

that was then

this is NOW

I need to focus on now.  I need to be now.  I need to have control, NOW.

Not then, not tomorrow, not after one more bite, or one more day, no.  NOW.

a bit of a rant

Things that I accomplished while in the grip of an eating disorder, including dropping to 82 pounds (BMI 14.5):
-the best XC season of my life, including current PR
-straight A's
-getting out of a bad relationship and finding the love of my life
-NOT getting psychological help from a professional or a doctor
-working my ass off to get a GPA of 5.0
-ditto for being second in my class of more than 700
-ditto again for getting accepted to 3 universities already and waiting on decisions from another 6
-hiding my disorder from the majority of my friends and family

Things that you, the wannarexic, have accomplished since getting to a BMI of 17:
-getting diagnosed
-getting a therapist
-getting a nutritionist
-getting a psychiatrist
-getting ATTENTION

Have I made my point?

5

Five.

Five more physical therapy sessions, and then I, Lord willing, will be cleared to run on my own, shin healed, blah blah blah.

And so, I promise you this, my lovely followers:

I will be UNSTOPPABLE.  Who's with me?

why do i insist on eating?

I have a PROBLEM.

I liked it better when my problem was not eating.  Now I eat too much.

I'm a weak, fat, useless, slob.  Why?

Solution:  stop eating.  Start now.

back story

I've been reading old posts of mine, from Fall 2010 when I was actually losing weight and starving.

82 pounds, God.

I don't whether to be inspired or disgusted.  Cry for the girl I was or cross my fingers I can find her again.

This is a disease, and it has me.  It has me.  It has me.

i want

To be the "after," and not the "before."

How is everyone doing?

i understand and i wish to continue

I understand what I'm doing.

I wish to continue.

How delightfully ironic that to view one of these sadstarvingdying blogs, we must click that button.

Oh, we understand.  And yet we wish to continue.

We wish to continue.

stop

Stop eating.  Stop starving.
Stop running too much.  Start running again.
Stop binging.  Stop starving.
Stop stressing.  Do better in school.
Stop worrying.  Help your friends.
Stop.
Stop stop stop stop stop!


Stop everything.
Just stop.

clarification

My boyfriend is not an asshole like my last post kinda made him out to be.

He was hesitant to even voice an opinion on my body, but I pestered him, and he said that as long as I'm healthy he doesn't care, but that I looked amazing this summer.

So yeah.  Guess I did what Isobel did haha, whoops.

Boyfriend is brilliant and wonderful.  Not asshole.

/clarification.

tuesday update

So, today, my boyfriend basically told me that he found me more attractive this summer than he does now.

This summer, I was 96-102 lbs.  At the moment, I am afraid to weigh myself.  But it's between 112 and 116 lbs.

Which is literally disgusting.  I know some of you would think that's small, but trust me, I have a TINY frame.  This looks globby and gross and fatfatfat on me.

Dear God.  Help me.  Why can't I get my shit together and just lose weight?  Why? Why? Why?

i need to starve and run and run and starve and be perfect again.

so many alternatives

to cutting.

Ice.  Burn.  Rubber band.  Bruise.  Exercise.  Anything.

but all I want to do is bleed


can anyone fix me?

monday mornings

make me really wonder what the point of it all is.

Le sigh.

i believe

that everyone is only pretending.

Does normalcy exist?

No?

things needs to change

So they are going to.

Maybe late for a New Years Resolution (or two or three), but here I go.

I am going to lose weight.  Not to be unhealthy.  To be happy.
I want to be happy again.  To be able to dance, per se.  To unfurl my latent wings and fly, again.

I want to be sick, and dying, and 82 pounds again.  I cannot lie to myself, I do.  But I "recovered," not for myself, but for the people around me, and it was always a lie.  I want it to be true now.  Because I want to be sick, but not as much as I want to be alive.

I am going to do it the almost healthy way.  Restricting, because I don't see how else I can be happy, but still losing weight.  Exercise.  Good, healthy food.

For today:  I have thus far eaten an egg, an apple, 2 spoonfuls of reduced fat PB.  I know I will be made to eat dinner.  I have ran for 15 minutes (getting there, slowly but surely!) and will do abs and stuff later.

For tomorrow, I will do better.

Always improving.

Who wants to join me?

i want a white ink tattoo

http://fuckyeahwhiteinktattoos.tumblr.com/

Kinda like that.  Except it would be a very tiny bird, kind of like something a child would draw, on the edge of my right shoulder blade.

Thoughts?

[I want other tattoos, but this has just been on my mind lately.]

stay strong

stay.  strong.

slip up

slip up, fuck up, mess up.

cut up.

I wish.  I gave my knife to Boy.  Protect me.  From myself.  I still have a lighter.  No.

One day isn't much so much it's ok.  Minor set back.  Afraid.

Help?

today

hard boiled egg
medium apple
(2) whole wheat tortillas
lettuce
(1/2 cup) shredded sharp cheddar cheese
(2 tbsp?) reduced fat peanut butter

I've been so out of whack for so long, I have to ask.  I calculate it at almost exactly 900 calories.

Girls, is this good?  Is this ok?  I feel like it was (is) so (way too) much.

I don't know what's right and what's wrong anymore.  Help?

if i lose him

I will lose myself.

I have no doubt.

I lost myself once before, and if I do it again, I don't know if I'll survive.

i need to run

I need to run.

It is not a want any longer.  I do want to run.  But more than that, I need to run, to fly over the ground and leave this all behind me.  To lace up my trainers and feel in control once more, to breathe and breathe and step and step and run.  Fly.

I need to run, before I lose my mind.

But if I run now, I may never run again.  My leg is still healing.  It needs time.

I don't know if I have time.

I fall deeper and deeper everyday, closer and closer.  I haven't cut in weeks, for the Boy.  I'm eating, for the Boy.  All this, for love.

But how long can I play this charade?  How long can I fake a person who isn't a lunatic, when the lunatic is slipping and creeping and dripping through the cracks in the mask?

I need to run.  I need help.

I need to run.

i ordered a new scale

Game on, 2012.  Bring it.  I'm gonna rock.