war

It's like a war, in my head.

Me vs. me.

There's the me that wants needs to lose weight again - starve and binge and purge and look so skeletal that random passerby stare.  That me is kneeling on the shower floor coughing and hacking and trying to purge.  I'm such a failure I can't seem to do that anymore.

But the other me wants to eat healthy food and exercise moderately and not worry everyone or look scary.  That's the me that seems to be stopping me from purging.  The me that stops me from cutting, most days.  Not today.

It's a constant, constant fight.

We should eat something.
Don't, we're a huge fattie.
We need it to run.
We didn't back in the fall, when we weighed 82.  Think how gorgeous we were then.  Boyfriend would never have broken up with us if we didn't get FAT FAT FAT.
Shut up, shut up!  Remember when Daddy cried?
We'll hide it better this time.  We deserve to starve.
No, we don't!  We're skinny already!
No, we're not.  We're a whale.  We were skinny when we could see our hip bones through our JEANS.  Not before.  Don't eat that.
OK.
-or some days: Shut up!  I deserve to eat.

But.

It never stops.  Win one, fail the other.  Always, always a failure for one side.  Success for the bad me, guilt for the good me.  Success for the good me, horrible, painful deathly guilt for the bad.

Anyone else feel this way?

I'm gonna draw a picture - a picture with a twist.

I'll draw it with a razor; I'll draw it on my wrist.

And if my picture's perfect, a fountain will appear

And as the fountain starts to flow, all my troubles disappear.

tons of homework

So much.  Oh my goodness.

So this'll be really quick!

Trip was awesome.  Had a fantastic time and didn't panic too much about food and managed to do super well - maintained.

100 today, will hopefully exercise a bit later.

Didn't run =/ but I had a decent reason - hung out with the guy I like instead!

So.  There's always tomorrow...
to do more homework.  Ugh.

Love ya dearies.

adios, amigos

I'm leaving for a trip!  (With family!  Which means A LOT A LOT of food!  But trying my best not to think about it, ugh.)

And hahaha, that title was just to scare ya.  I'll be back by Monday at the latest.

Have a super amazing weekend, all of you - all 57 holy cow!

<3

if you could have a superpower for ONE day, what would it be?

ONE day, and ONE day ONLY.  Answer in the comments!

Today: probably around 400 calories

Weight about 100 still.  Ergh.

Back to hw, love you girls.

55 followers

:O  I'm astonished.  And honored!  But mostly astonished.

Gosh, guys, you couldn't have followed me back when I had some self-control and will-power and was actually losing weight?

Without running it doesn't even matter what I do, I either maintain or gain.  So, NEW FOLLOWERS!  Please read this blog from like... October/November 2010.  I was actually worth following back then =/

I don't even know what I weigh, I just know that I look GROSS.  It saddens me.  But without running... I'm stuck on this endless loop of gain a little over the weekend, lose a little over the week, gain, lose, gain, lose...

Ugh.  AND I'll be traveling this weekend with family which means that I'll be definitely eating three meals a day, kill me now.  (I usually only eat dinner, ftr).

Argh :(

Something needs to change.  I just read Adeline's post about logic and I LOVE it.  I need to get my self-control back, and I'm gonna try her idea.  I simply accept right now, this second, that I won't eat except what is necessary to fly under the radar, and that's that!  Problem solved.  Hopefully.

Anyway, new followers, please introduce!  I want to "meet" you all.

Hope everyone is doing better than I am,
Posie

mondays

Mondays.  Ergh.

Thankfully did super-well on a physics test.

Have randomly ballooned to a whopping 103 lbs, wtf!?

I've managed to fracture my shins -_- so no running for me.  Which means the weight will come off MADDENINGLY slowly, if at all.

Ugh.  Why Mondays?  Sigh.

Ex-boy has officially moved on from me...
And my heart is officially still broken.

The Versatile Blogger Award

Can I start with how freakin' honored I am!?  This COMPLETELY made a totally crap week/day, thank you so much Ana Marie!  You as well have a lovely blog.

The Rules:

1. Thank the person who loved you enough to bestow this gift
2. Share seven things about yourself.
3. Bestow this honor onto 10 newly discovered or followed bloggers– in no particular order– who are fantastic in some way.
4. Drop by and let your ten new friends know you admire them.

Seven things about me, Posie, in no particular order:

1.  I won't give my real first name, but my real middle name is Alise (different spelling, but I'm paranoid - sorry!)

2.  At the moment I weigh about 100 pounds.  The most I've weighed in my life is 112, the least (at this height, anyway) is 82.

3.  My favorite smell is the smell of a thunderstorm.

4.  My favorite sound is the sound of the silence right BEFORE a thunderstorm.

5.  I love WEATHER!  (Did you guess that?)

6.  Lately I've been reading a lot of Jodi Picoult - very good.

7.  I believe in true love, smiling at strangers, laughing a lot, and the like!

And now, my AWARD-EES!

Is that a word?

Anyway.

I give this award to the following, in no order:

1.  Isobel:  of course ;)  Because you are my blogging soul sister and I love you and your blog and your vlogs and that gorgeous accent and body!

2.  Ayden:  Because your comments are the best and your attitude is so commendable!

3.  Peridot:  Because you are hysterical.  'Nuff said.

4.  Adeline:  Because your blog is amazing beyond words and your life is like a fairytale and you are a true inspiration.

5.  Charr:  Because I pray for you every day (along with everybody else, of course).

6.  Starving Artist:  Because I like your blog.

7.  miss alisha:  Because I love your blog and your love for that gym guy ;)

8.  Britni:  Because I love ya!

9.  Ell: Ditto!

10.  Almost Skinny: Ditto again!

Whew!  I sadly don't have time to go tell all these lovely girls, so if someone could let them know?  That'd be super fabulous n thank you all.

I love you, have a GREAT week as I'll probably be super busy again, and remember to smile!

Love,

Posie <3

catching up

Comment replies:

Isobel, it is truly impossible for me to say how much you mean to me.  I repeat this every time I reply to comments haha but it's TRUE!  You are my inspiration and I love you.

Ayden, you too.  Your comments never fail to make me smile and I appreciate every one!!  I believe in you girlfriend :)

Sarah:  Thanks girl!  I wish I looked petite like a ballerina, but I carry my weight like an athlete haha - long distance runner build, that's me... but it's alright because I'm back to losing and shall soon be small again.

Ana Marie:  My goodness :O :O I'm so honored, thank you!!!  That's going in a separate post so I can spam all your following lists teehee

mags:  High school... I'm just so ready for college haha done with all this drama n shit.

Peridot: LACK OF SLEEP BLOWS, DON'T IT?  I slept for 14 hours straight yesterday haha it was GLORIOUS.  You are another whose comments make my day every single time!

And to everyone else and y'all too:  I LOVE YOU.
LOVE!

running strong on 4 hours of sleep

...in the past 2 days.

I love high school.

NOT.

Weight still steady.  Will reply to your wonderful comments asap this weekend <3

accountability

I will only begin to be strong again if I have to be accountable.

Therefore, I will post my weight here
EVERY
SINGLE
DAY

Good day, bad day, rain, shine, binge, restrict.  Every day.

Today: a whopping, disgusting, back to my start weight gross fat nasty 102.

I feel like I've failed you girls :(  It's just so hard when people are MAKING you gain.

Stupid doctors.  This body does not like 102.  This body likes to be light and bony.

And so we go.

bad blogger

i've been a bad blogger.

i'm sorry.

i'm still reading.  i'm just such a failure i don't have much to say.

got my period for the first time in 6+ months, fml.  i'm officially fat now.  yup, it's official.

one day more

one more weekend. one more weekend.
then i can run every single goddamn day and i'll spend so little time at home that no one can make me eat.

one. more. weekend.

(catch my les mis reference in the title?)

running

Track starts Monday.
Oh my heavens, that is all that is keeping me from going insane.
People fucking making me eat, can't they see I'm a WHALE!?