my legs

...with my knees up on the school bus.

Pale, fat and gross.  And scarred, if you can tell.

Never take up cutting, my friends.  It's too addictive.  [And it ruins your chances to be perfect.]

This is motivation, girls!  I have to be as perfect as I can be.  For me and for David.

hello to my 70th follower!

Introduce yourselves, all of you!

no matter what i do

i feel like a failure.


is it even possible to gain 4 pounds from eating your BMR for 2 days?  


it shouldn't be.  is it?  i don't know.  i don't know what's real anymore.  


i'm afraid.  i need to lose.  i need to gain.  i don't know.  i don't know.


i'm afraid.


i'm spiraling back down, girls.

happiness and hope

happiness

Boy finally asked me out!  We are officially a couple, and a gosh-darn adorable one at that, if I do say so myself.

And because I'm sick of referring to him as "Boy," I'll call him David (not his real name).

hope

Anyway, now I have even more of a drive to be absolutely, glowingly perfect for him!  I'm his first serious relationship (and good gracious I can't wait for our first kiss), so I need to be PERFECT.


Being perfect thus requires some weight loss.  I'm solidly at 97, but it's getting a tad noticeable that I am losing weight (I'm down almost 10 pounds from the holidays, how disgusting is that?), so nosy people are getting involved (again, ugh).

Taking baby steps, I plan to get through this weekend maintaining and not losing my mind, and then continuing losing over the week when I'm not being practically force-fed.

[David hardly eats either, or at least not around me, so that's not an issue so far.]

I've bought myself a cute new top to wear when I get to 94 or 95, depending on how I feel.  So there's more motivation.

I can do this.  Because now I NEED to do this!

a serious question


And I would love some serious answers,  please.  I'm honored to have 69 followers and I honestly want all of your advice.

Do I tell him?  I don't remember if I told you girls this, but I told my last boyfriend about my eating disorder.

He was disgusted.  It was terrible how he reacted, and he never treated me the same after.  I trusted him and it didn't work out, because he only saw the monster.

He couldn't save me.  He watched me wither and he did nothing.  Couldn't stopmesaveme.

But David is so different.  He's sweet and kind and understanding...

...so girls.  Do I tell him?  Do I give him a peek into my fun-house mirrored mind?  It is a huge part of me.  Such a huge part.  You remember, back in November I was 82.

82 and dying but we don't think about that.  I need to be thin again.


Do I tell him?



replies
Unknown, thank you!  I cannot wait til I'm losing again, and you can do it too!
Isobel, I love you.  It means so much to me that you care, you know that?  I worry about you, I just want you to be happy, and I KNOW that you can do that.  Happiness isn't a number, but you'll find the number that makes you happy.  Trust me :)  You look amazing already!

Love you all!  Sorry for the long rambling post, I'm quite busy with schoolwork and a new boyfriend :)

Adieu, much love.

no news is good news

...right?


Boy hasn't asked me out yet.  Still.  I don't even know what to think.

I pretty much love him; he's rather perfect!  Attractive, brilliant, a gentleman, witty as can be, older, in a band...

Need I say more?

Still hovering at 97.
How have you all been?  Much apologies for being such a lame blogger.

hand holding

is one of the best feelings in the world.

Hand holding and then waking up to 97 pounds is also great.

once upon a time,

there was a little girl.  and she was happy.


but every story that begins with "once upon a time" has a sad middle, doesn't it?


so here's the sad part:


but the little girl grew up.  


but children don't grow up: our bodies get bigger, but our hearts get torn up. 


and here's the other sad part:


she hasn't gotten to the end of the story yet, and she can't predict the ending, and she doesn't know if everything is going to turn out all right.  if the prince will come save her or maybe the dragon will eat her, or maybe it won't be a dragon, but the demons in her own head that grow bigger each night, tearing at her little girl heart in the body that got bigger 
before 
she 
was 
ready.  

quick update

[I feel like I have that as a title for my posts like once a week, I'm sorry!  Can't wait for summer.]

School update:  All of the tests to determine my future (well, a great deal of them) are this coming week.  I've been studying so much I literally fell asleep standing up in one of my classes yesterday.  Awesome.

Life update:  The new Boy-That-I-Like-A-Lot texted me (first!) the other day, and it turned into a 5-day long conversation, total bonding, many many inside jokes, and READY?  A POSSIBLE DATE.  Win.  I couldn't be happier [in this area of life].  He's cute, hysterically funny, totally brilliant, a nerd like me, and like, the nicest guy ever.  Does it get better?  Also, he doesn't make me eat.  We sit together at lunch and not eat together.  True story, but I don't know how I feel about him not eating...?  What do you girls think?

Weight/eating update:  I've been eating not enough way, way too much.  Maintaining at 98.  Frustrated because I could be losing like mad 'cause I'm so busy, but I can't risk my brain not being top notch.  Not this week.  Arrrgh.

Miss you all.

binge to start off Hell Week

So I binged today.
Because me = epic fail.

But tomorrow's a new day, and I'll get back on REAL track after this week, which is Hell Week.

Hell Week: every single major test to determine my future.

So I'm thinking I ought to eat enough to keep my brain going :P

Argh.  I just want to lose weight again.  I'm sick of this 98-101 plateau I'm stuck on.  Hopefully I haven't gained much from my failure today.

I bought new clothes this weekend, and I'm not going to let myself wear them until I can lose properly again and not be a whale.

Love you all.