hurricane apologies

very quick post

hurricane hitting my area, evacuations and everything

i am still fat

but alive, so hey...

hope you're all safe if anyone else is in its path

love

8/24/11

Sorry for the posting spam.  I'm a little... crazy, today.

weight: 99-100 lbs

input: disgusting

output: not enough

net: nasty nasty fat fat

At least it only takes one day like this to set me back on track.  I'm going to regret it tomorrow when I'm a massive disgusting whale.

I've been rereading my posts from last fall.  I need to get to those weights again.  I NEED to.

Oh, ps: that awkward moment when you realize you'll never be able to wear a bikini (even if you had the guts to) because your hips are so covered in cuts/scars.

Fun times.

new rule

Never, never, never eat alone.

When applicable/possible, fake it.  Dirty dishes, the whole lot.  Just don't actually eat.

Never eat alone.

I can do that.  Once it's a "rule," that I've made, I can't break it.

I won't.

I can't.

so, pretty much i just fail

all the time.

Y/Y?

There isn't a "no" option to that one.  Apparently.  Sadly.

200th post

W00T! 200, wow...  That's a lot.  and 96 followers!  Love you guys.


weight: 100-101 lbs

input: ~1000 cal

output: ~550 cal

net: ~450 cal

On a roll.

Drop me some comments, encouragement!

earthquake

We just had aftershocks from an earthquake where I live.

WILLLLLLLD.

8/22/11

weight: 102 pounds, BMI 18.1

input: ~1000 cal

output: ~700 cal

net total: ~300 cal

meh.  But if I keep it up and get my intake down, I'll be rockin' this goal.

It's good to have goals.  I wasn't even tempted today, everything that I ate someone forced me to.

How are you all?

reverse thinspo

click HERE if you really need some motivation

although be warned, you might throw up in your mouth.  i practically did!

boyfriend

left for college today.

I'm going to miss him.  So, so much.

So here's my goal.  I'll [hopefully] see him in late September.

By that time, I MUST be under 95 pounds.

I know, it's a small goal.  But at least now I have something to strive for, eh?

So whaddya think?  Can I do it?

what do you find?

i find:
fat, sap, and sad

Well now.

cross country

started today.

God bless cross country, because without it I would be UTTERLY mad.

Insaner than I already am!

running=love.

Today was an easy day, and we ran 5 miles and then lifted for half hour and then striders to finish up.

Oh, how I have missed this, and my teammates!

Lovelovelove.  Smiles.

95

95 followers - honored.

truly - thank you!

but to those who have a chance:

Do not let this hell become your life.

i'm begging you.  please.  please.

please.

a rant to you [who will never see this]

I fucking hate you sometimes.  You do realize that I'm going to win, don't you?  YOU made this a contest.  All I wanted, or at least, what I thought I wanted, was to get better.  YOU ruined it.  This is YOUR faultfaultfault and I SWEAR, I am going to win.  You want to get to 95 pounds?  So help me God, I will get to 90.  You get to 90?  I'll get to 80.  I've been there before, at 82, featherthinlightairy dying.  And I hope you can damn well fucking live with yourself whenif this kills me.
I fucking hope you can look in the mirror and not see a goddamn murderer.   I hope whenif I die, you can look my boyfriend, my family, my REAL friends in the face and say "I'm sorry, it was I.  I killed her. Me, me, me."
Because it's fucking all about you, isn't it.

two speeds

starve or binge.

Middle ground?  What's that?

I miss it.

I do.

What about you girls?

fat

i am
fatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfat.

why don't you all see it?  you girls here and my family and friends and boyfriend in real life?
am i the only one?  the only one who thinks that to eat is to fail?
eating=failure.
there doesn't seem to be another option.  or i don't believe there is.
or something.
so confused.
so sick of people forcing me to eat.

so i was skinny once!  november.  that was then, this is now, now is time to lose.
82 pounds lightairyfeathersflyingaway
nothing
 holding
  me
   down

now i am 100 pounds of disgust.
and it must change.
and they must stop making me eat.
in a little more than a month i will turn 18.  i will be a legal adult.

and i will be thin again.
so help me, i will.

tis me

This is me.

96-98 pounds.

Be honest, it's GROSS.  I need to lose 8 pounds and get to 90, stat.  It's gonna be so hard though with people and Boyfriend.  Once school starts.  Anyway.

I was just bored so I took some pictures.

Also my hair is not greasy, it's wet from being outside in the rain haha

Sorry for the horrendously crappy edit job, I'm really paranoid about people finding me haha =P

Love you girls.

Dreams are for rookies, kid. ~Phil, Disney's Hercules

This is a selfish, selfish disease.

  God help us all.

What do you do when you know you have a problem, but you don't want to are too afraid to don't even know what to do to fix it?

Is there anyone who can fix my eyesbrainmouthSELF?

Because it isn't me.

I asked you your dreams.

My dream?

My dream is to be able to hold my head high.  To not hate the girl in the mirror.  To be healthy.  Happy. Skinnythinbeautiful??

To look people in the eye and not see the sadness when they know how broken I truly am.

But dreams are for rookies, kid.

And life is a nightmare.

hypocrite

You fucking hypocrite.

Make this a contest, will you?

Encourage my recovery, applaud my [disgusting] weight gain, all the while doing it yourself?  Your fucking hypocritical ugly self?

Don't you see what you've become?  A faker.  You never had an eating disorder and you don't know this hell that I live every. single. day.

and

I
swear
that
I
will

WIN.