i think i'm having an epiphany

Can I fix myself?

a note

Read this.

Well-written, informative, accurate.  Thank you very much to Kim.

For the benefit of new followers, old ones who are confused, whatever, I want to clear some things up.

I have never been officially diagnosed.  Therefore, according to Kim, I am self-diagnosed.  However, I am 100% positive that had I allowed my mother to take me to a doctor (I have a terrible fear of them, that's another story), I would have been solidly diagnosed with AN and [probably] hospitalized.

At the worst of my ED (which is undeniable, it's an ED and not just disordered eating), i.e. fall of 2010, I weighed 82 pounds.  I am 5'3", which puts me at a BMI of 14.5.  Anything under 15 is considered starvation.  I was eating [far] less than 900 calories a day, which is medically considered a starvation diet.

Anyone want to dispute my self-diagnosis?  Currently, I would be EDNOS - not underweight, not severely restricting, but definitely disordered.

Anyone who thinks I'm a wanna - comment.  Fight me.  I dare you.

Apologies, but I'm currently hardcore hating on a real life wanna.  So I'm "proving" myself.

Comments appreciated.

/end rant.

Valentine's Day

How were everyone's!?

Mine was wonderful.  I'll update for real sometime soon - but I want to hear about yours!

because the night

I adore this song.

On a random note:  Does anyone else find that they relate everything to their eating disorder?  All songs, books, etc...  everything.  Everything revolves around my eating disorder.

that feeling

That feeling when you're hungry -- and still don't want to eat.

So you don't.

I'm getting back in the game.  I'm doing this.  Who's with me?

//EDIT:  then your mother forces you to eat.  dammit. dammit. dammit. ugh.

so far today

less than half an apple

I fucked up last night - mixed blessing.  At least it's motivation!

Keep me strong.  Strong.

sleeping?

No, no, no, silly!  Sleeping is for people who aren't ranked as high in school as you, people who don't want to go to college, people with time for things other than studying.

I'll sleep when I'm dead.

Isn't senior year supposed to be fun?


On a different note, I've started applying for jobs.  Need money.

2/08/12

258 calories today so far.

Not including exercise yet to be done - soon!

Let's do this.  Slowly but surely.

Also it's COLD.

slowly

I'm slowly improving.

I mess up.  I'm not perfect.

But I'm always improving.  Can anyone ask me for more?

yes.

that was then

this is NOW

I need to focus on now.  I need to be now.  I need to have control, NOW.

Not then, not tomorrow, not after one more bite, or one more day, no.  NOW.

a bit of a rant

Things that I accomplished while in the grip of an eating disorder, including dropping to 82 pounds (BMI 14.5):
-the best XC season of my life, including current PR
-straight A's
-getting out of a bad relationship and finding the love of my life
-NOT getting psychological help from a professional or a doctor
-working my ass off to get a GPA of 5.0
-ditto for being second in my class of more than 700
-ditto again for getting accepted to 3 universities already and waiting on decisions from another 6
-hiding my disorder from the majority of my friends and family

Things that you, the wannarexic, have accomplished since getting to a BMI of 17:
-getting diagnosed
-getting a therapist
-getting a nutritionist
-getting a psychiatrist
-getting ATTENTION

Have I made my point?

5

Five.

Five more physical therapy sessions, and then I, Lord willing, will be cleared to run on my own, shin healed, blah blah blah.

And so, I promise you this, my lovely followers:

I will be UNSTOPPABLE.  Who's with me?