why do i insist on eating?

I have a PROBLEM.

I liked it better when my problem was not eating.  Now I eat too much.

I'm a weak, fat, useless, slob.  Why?

Solution:  stop eating.  Start now.

back story

I've been reading old posts of mine, from Fall 2010 when I was actually losing weight and starving.

82 pounds, God.

I don't whether to be inspired or disgusted.  Cry for the girl I was or cross my fingers I can find her again.

This is a disease, and it has me.  It has me.  It has me.

i want

To be the "after," and not the "before."

How is everyone doing?

i understand and i wish to continue

I understand what I'm doing.

I wish to continue.

How delightfully ironic that to view one of these sadstarvingdying blogs, we must click that button.

Oh, we understand.  And yet we wish to continue.

We wish to continue.

stop

Stop eating.  Stop starving.
Stop running too much.  Start running again.
Stop binging.  Stop starving.
Stop stressing.  Do better in school.
Stop worrying.  Help your friends.
Stop.
Stop stop stop stop stop!


Stop everything.
Just stop.

clarification

My boyfriend is not an asshole like my last post kinda made him out to be.

He was hesitant to even voice an opinion on my body, but I pestered him, and he said that as long as I'm healthy he doesn't care, but that I looked amazing this summer.

So yeah.  Guess I did what Isobel did haha, whoops.

Boyfriend is brilliant and wonderful.  Not asshole.

/clarification.

tuesday update

So, today, my boyfriend basically told me that he found me more attractive this summer than he does now.

This summer, I was 96-102 lbs.  At the moment, I am afraid to weigh myself.  But it's between 112 and 116 lbs.

Which is literally disgusting.  I know some of you would think that's small, but trust me, I have a TINY frame.  This looks globby and gross and fatfatfat on me.

Dear God.  Help me.  Why can't I get my shit together and just lose weight?  Why? Why? Why?

i need to starve and run and run and starve and be perfect again.

so many alternatives

to cutting.

Ice.  Burn.  Rubber band.  Bruise.  Exercise.  Anything.

but all I want to do is bleed


can anyone fix me?

monday mornings

make me really wonder what the point of it all is.

Le sigh.

i believe

that everyone is only pretending.

Does normalcy exist?

No?

things needs to change

So they are going to.

Maybe late for a New Years Resolution (or two or three), but here I go.

I am going to lose weight.  Not to be unhealthy.  To be happy.
I want to be happy again.  To be able to dance, per se.  To unfurl my latent wings and fly, again.

I want to be sick, and dying, and 82 pounds again.  I cannot lie to myself, I do.  But I "recovered," not for myself, but for the people around me, and it was always a lie.  I want it to be true now.  Because I want to be sick, but not as much as I want to be alive.

I am going to do it the almost healthy way.  Restricting, because I don't see how else I can be happy, but still losing weight.  Exercise.  Good, healthy food.

For today:  I have thus far eaten an egg, an apple, 2 spoonfuls of reduced fat PB.  I know I will be made to eat dinner.  I have ran for 15 minutes (getting there, slowly but surely!) and will do abs and stuff later.

For tomorrow, I will do better.

Always improving.

Who wants to join me?

i want a white ink tattoo

http://fuckyeahwhiteinktattoos.tumblr.com/

Kinda like that.  Except it would be a very tiny bird, kind of like something a child would draw, on the edge of my right shoulder blade.

Thoughts?

[I want other tattoos, but this has just been on my mind lately.]

stay strong

stay.  strong.

slip up

slip up, fuck up, mess up.

cut up.

I wish.  I gave my knife to Boy.  Protect me.  From myself.  I still have a lighter.  No.

One day isn't much so much it's ok.  Minor set back.  Afraid.

Help?

today

hard boiled egg
medium apple
(2) whole wheat tortillas
lettuce
(1/2 cup) shredded sharp cheddar cheese
(2 tbsp?) reduced fat peanut butter

I've been so out of whack for so long, I have to ask.  I calculate it at almost exactly 900 calories.

Girls, is this good?  Is this ok?  I feel like it was (is) so (way too) much.

I don't know what's right and what's wrong anymore.  Help?

if i lose him

I will lose myself.

I have no doubt.

I lost myself once before, and if I do it again, I don't know if I'll survive.

i need to run

I need to run.

It is not a want any longer.  I do want to run.  But more than that, I need to run, to fly over the ground and leave this all behind me.  To lace up my trainers and feel in control once more, to breathe and breathe and step and step and run.  Fly.

I need to run, before I lose my mind.

But if I run now, I may never run again.  My leg is still healing.  It needs time.

I don't know if I have time.

I fall deeper and deeper everyday, closer and closer.  I haven't cut in weeks, for the Boy.  I'm eating, for the Boy.  All this, for love.

But how long can I play this charade?  How long can I fake a person who isn't a lunatic, when the lunatic is slipping and creeping and dripping through the cracks in the mask?

I need to run.  I need help.

I need to run.

i ordered a new scale

Game on, 2012.  Bring it.  I'm gonna rock.