clarification

Judging by the comments on my last post, some people seem to not realize that I have been "in recovery" for almost two years now.

"In recovery" is a very vague term.  I was merely postulating about how difficult it is to unite the two opposing views I hold - ED vs normal.  I was originally forced into "recovery" and have since been on/off about anorexia and wanting to recover.

I struggle a lot.  Every single goddamn day.  I have relapsed pretty severely, I have gained a ton of weight, I have binged, I have starved, I have done it all in the two years.  But honestly, "in recovery" is a silly way of saying it.  I am just me.

cognitive dissonance

"cognitive dissonance"the state of having inconsistent thoughts, beliefs, or attitudes, esp. as relating to behavioural decisions and attitude change

I am in recovery.

It's time to stop lying to myself.  I cannot live in this halfway world.  I cannot claim to be "recovered" and "healthy" when on the inside I know it's a lie.

I have to go all or none.  I have to want it.

The problem is that I don't want it.  I don't want it enough.

I want to be healthy and happy and bright and alive and moving&dancing.

I want to be scaryskinny and bony and dead dying and cold and lightasafeather and "special."

How can two such opposite ideas exist in me at once?

isobel

please

don't leave me here

don't leave me in this hell alone 

please just a last message

i know i'm pathetic sorry

i eat a lot

but it's healthy.

Healthy.

What is that concept.

And why am I so screwed up inside?

sorry i'm such a crap blogger

But here's a brief update:

-I graduated finally thank goodness get me to college already
-I'm working as a babysitter and getting paid well, also GOOD KIDS AND NO TAXES SCORE
-I don't know how much I weigh but I think it's a little bit less
-I've been relatively good with my eating
-Summer means more exercise which is good, getting back in shape finally
-I "came out" to my friends and all, as I talked about, and everyone was amazing about it
-I've only cut a few times in the last couple months
-the Boy and I are doing so well <3
-I saw the ex-Boy and looked hot, or so my friends told me, I never think so, but whatever
-etc.

Please comment with questions so I know what you guys want to know about my life!  I'm gonna try to post more often now :)

Love love love.

alive, swamped, will graduate (finally) soon

post then

prom weekend ROCKED

will post a proper update asap!