have fight with boyfriend

skip meals all day
#anorexicproblems

it may be time

to leave blogger behind.

If I was to create a tumblr based around my life and ED and recovery, would those of you with tumblers follow me?  Even just a Y/N comment would be great, thanks!

i refuse

to be triggered by my still sick friends

to listen to the voices that say fatfatfat weakweakweak

I choose to acknowledge that I am strong.

Even when I don't feel it.

Please comment with what you would to see in an update about my life, ED, recovery, etc.

eating today

I ate a normal sized, healthy breakfast (cereal and fruit).

I ate a normal sized, very healthy lunch (turkey/avocado wrap).

I even snacked a little (rice cake).

I will eat a normal size, healthy dinner (turkey burger).

I am 5'3", I am almost 19 years old, and I weigh 115 pounds.  This is a 33 pound weight gain from my lowest and sickest, and a 5 pound loss from my highest and also sickest.  It's not the weight, it's the mindset.

I know for a fact that I can maintain this weight.  Sure, I'd rather maintain lower.  I may hate the way I look, but it's nice to have confidence that I can eat normally and be afraid of magically ballooning out overnight.  It's nice to know that I'll lose weight the healthy way until my body is the best that it can be.

This has been a recovery post brought to you by "Fake it til you make it" Posie.

a note to myself

Darling.  Darling, dearest Posie.

There is nothing left to prove.

No, there is one thing left to prove.  You showed the world that you can do it.  Now show the world that you can not do it.  Step out of the graveyard.  Live.

Please live.  There is so much beauty in this world, too much to give up for a fleeting chance at "perfection."  Perfection is a lie, a myth.  There is no perfect.  You can merely embrace your flaws, be they thighs or scars or a laugh that's too loud when you're full of joy.

These things were never flaws, anyway.  

a novel idea

MAINTENANCE.

My EDbrain doesn't understand it.  But my body can apparently do it.  Even if I'm maintaining at disgusting


I've made the decision to revamp this blog to reflect my recovery over my relapses.  Currently I seem to only post negative stuff, and I want to change that.  As soon as I have my own computer, anyway.  I'll also [finally!] post like a massive update about my life/ED/recovery/etc.

Isobel, maybe you're gone and will never see this, but you've inspired me.  I owe you a lot.  So thank you.

clarification

Judging by the comments on my last post, some people seem to not realize that I have been "in recovery" for almost two years now.

"In recovery" is a very vague term.  I was merely postulating about how difficult it is to unite the two opposing views I hold - ED vs normal.  I was originally forced into "recovery" and have since been on/off about anorexia and wanting to recover.

I struggle a lot.  Every single goddamn day.  I have relapsed pretty severely, I have gained a ton of weight, I have binged, I have starved, I have done it all in the two years.  But honestly, "in recovery" is a silly way of saying it.  I am just me.

cognitive dissonance

"cognitive dissonance"the state of having inconsistent thoughts, beliefs, or attitudes, esp. as relating to behavioural decisions and attitude change

I am in recovery.

It's time to stop lying to myself.  I cannot live in this halfway world.  I cannot claim to be "recovered" and "healthy" when on the inside I know it's a lie.

I have to go all or none.  I have to want it.

The problem is that I don't want it.  I don't want it enough.

I want to be healthy and happy and bright and alive and moving&dancing.

I want to be scaryskinny and bony and dead dying and cold and lightasafeather and "special."

How can two such opposite ideas exist in me at once?

isobel

please

don't leave me here

don't leave me in this hell alone 

please just a last message

i know i'm pathetic sorry

i eat a lot

but it's healthy.

Healthy.

What is that concept.

And why am I so screwed up inside?