for it is only when

the night is darkest, that we can see the stars.

Keep your heads up, gals.  We can beat this thing.  I love you all.

hard to fail

It is hard to fail, but it worse never to have tried to succeed.

 ~Theodore Roosevelt

ever seen your boyfriend cry?

18

Tomorrow is my 18th birthday.

I will legally be an adult in this country.  Old enough to vote, to fight, to make my own decisions.

Can I decide to lose this [horrendously disgusting] weight?

Happy birthday to me.

never have i ever

Give me a fact about you!

Never have you ever...?

Never have I ever: told Boyfriend about my cutting.
But I'm afraid he's going to find out this weekend.
Also I am still a fatass.  Disgustingly so.  

a thin layer

will i never be normal?

i feel like i live my life from the wrong side of the mirror - there's a thin layer of glass between me and the rest of the world.

and no matter what i do, i can't (won't?) break it.

more like it

raced today, 3 seconds off my PR

(that's personal record for you non-runners - although i can't understand not running, running is the most amazing feeling/thing/activity everr)

w00t.  i can do that.  now i just gotta stop being a fatass!

if only it was that simple haha.

slip up

I slipped up today, ate too much lunch.  Fail.

But on the plus side, I ran 7 miles, fast.

So I guess it evens out.

I'll just have to try to eat lesslessless at dinner.

Hopefully this weekend a REAL update!

all i want to do

is starve, and bleed.

Is that so much to ask?  Can they not let me be?

Leave me in peace, world.

I just want to be alone.

update

I haven't weighed in more than a week, but I can feel the difference.
My thigh gap is maybe a few days from back, I eat an egg white for breakfast, an apple for lunch, and whatever I have to stuff in at dinner to keep the family off my back.
I have my control back :)
Boy comes in less than 2 weeks - I won't be under 95, because I am a fatass failure, but by golly, next time I see him?
I'll be there and lower.
How are you all?

9/11/01

Never. Forget.

fat lard

can't even run a proper XC race at her old times

i hate me

shame

Telling you girls this is motivation for me to get my fat ass in gear and start losing faster.

My lovely thigh gap has been lost.  Just at the top.  But still.

Unacceptable - I can feel my legs touch when I run.  Can't have that.  Fatfatfat.

I haven't weighed since Tuesday, when (more motivation here) I was *wince* 107 lbs.

Disgusting, I know.  But I've definitely lost since then.  I'll feel better when I'm back in the double digits.  I have til the weekend of the 23rd when Boy comes home.

Must. Be. Perfect.

school started today

and I'm BACK IN THE GAME, BITCHES.

Ended today in the negatives.  W00t!

Too bad I'm too ashamed of my CW to even tell you.  But not for long.

Real update soon.

you never come back, not all the way

"You never come back, not all the way. Always there is an odd distance between you and the people you love and the people you meet, a barrier thin as the glass of a mirror, you never come all the way out of the mirror; you stand, for the rest of your life, with one foot in this world and one in another, where everything is upside down and backward and sad." 

~Marya Hornbacher, Wasted

ever so easy to go

"And so I went through the looking glass, stepped into the netherworld, where up is down and food is greed, where convex mirrors cover the walls, where death is honor and flesh is weak. It is ever so easy to go. Harder to find your way back." 

~Marya Hornbacher, Wasted

anyone lived in a pretty how town

anyone lived in a pretty how town
by e. e. cummings

anyone lived in a pretty how town (with up so floating many bells down) spring summer autumn winter he sang his didn't he danced his did Women and men(both little and small) cared for anyone not at all they sowed their isn't they reaped their same sun moon stars rain children guessed(but only a few and down they forgot as up they grew autumn winter spring summer) that noone loved him more by more when by now and tree by leaf she laughed his joy she cried his grief bird by snow and stir by still anyone's any was all to her someones married their everyones laughed their cryings and did their dance (sleep wake hope and then)they said their nevers they slept their dream stars rain sun moon (and only the snow can begin to explain how children are apt to forget to remember with up so floating many bells down) one day anyone died i guess (and noone stooped to kiss his face) busy folk buried them side by side little by little and was by was all by all and deep by deep and more by more they dream their sleep noone and anyone earth by april wish by spirit and if by yes. Women and men(both dong and ding) summer autumn winter spring reaped their sowing and went their came sun moon stars rain

Richard Cory

RICHARD CORY
by Edwin Arlington Robinson

Whenever Richard Cory went down town, 
We people on the pavement looked at him: 
He was a gentleman from sole to crown, 
Clean-favoured and imperially slim. 

And he was always quietly arrayed, 
And he was always human when he talked; 
But still he fluttered pulses when he said, 
"Good Morning!" and he glittered when he walked. 

And he was rich, yes, richer than a king, 
And admirably schooled in every grace: 
In fine -- we thought that he was everything 
To make us wish that we were in his place. 

So on we worked and waited for the light, 
And went without the meat and cursed the bread, 
And Richard Cory, one calm summer night, 
Went home and put a bullet in his head. 

september rules

Never eat alone.

If possible, just DON'T EAT.

Never eat after 8pm.

Any other ideas for me?

can i just sound like an ungrateful bitch for one minute

'cause you girls [hopefully] won't judge me?

Refugee food?  (I don't know what else to call it)

MY GOD IT IS TERRIBLE FOR YOU AND I AM FAT.

I mean it this time.

Actual update to come, but I'm alive.

So there's that.