nothing to report

I'm just... stuck.

Get me off this merry-go-round, this sick, twisted ride.


Help me.


I don't need help, I'm strong.

...Aren't I?

dreams

What's YOUR dream?

answer in the comments. i really want to know.

heat wave rant

i'm working as a camp counselor.


today was a record high temperature for where i live.


every time i stood up to do something with the kids, i saw black.  nearly passed out at least 12 times.


i've been in the negative calories for the past 4 days.


96 pounds.


one of the other counselors told my mother i haven't been eating lunch.


she made me eat today.


i ran, to get rid of it.  but i can't run enough.

heathotsweat pass out

i can't pass out.  then they'll really know.


can't let them know.  can't let them know.  Boyfriend would have that look in his eyes.  he can't know.

fatfatfatfat.  

[i ate an egg white, a banana, some peanut butter.  whatever she makes me eat for dinner.]


[ran a 5K.  a 10K yesterday.  yesterday was -161 calories.]


[that's all.]


still.


fat.

story time

Hello, girls.

I'm back from the land of real people, for an actual post!

I've managed to get a job, sorry I've been so scarce lately.

Anyway, I believe I owe y'all a bit of an update, and a story, and especially thanks to Ayden, for the award!

I hereby bestow this award on the first 8 people to comment on this post.  (This is where I cross my fingers that 8 people actually comment, haha, c'mon, don't be such strangers!  84 followers and I max out at like 3 comments??  Lame, girls.  Plus, you'll get the award!  Anyway.)

Storytime.  It won't be very good, I'm rushed.  Sorry.

Once upon a time there was a girl named Posie.  [That's me.]  Somewhere along the line, in her life, she broke herself, and she hasn't figured out to fix it, yet.  She's sad, and there's something wrong with her eyesbrainhead, because although people tell her she's skinny, she has never ever seen it.
She has the most amazing boyfriend in the whole world.  And she finally told him, a little bit, about what's wrong with her.  How crazy she is.  He was wonderful, and supportive, and she still feels terribly guilty about lying to him about "recovery."  But it can't be helped.
She binged the other day.  Badly.  She is a fatfatfatfailure who doesn't deserve her amazing boyfriend.
And so, she lost her mind a little.  And instead of cutting her hips or arms or legs, like usual, she took a pocketknife to her cheek bones.  Hurts so good.
It wasn't bad, or deep.  But enough to notice, enough to bleed.  And when she saw the boyfriend the next day, he took her face in his hands and he said, with enough sadness in his eyesvoice to break Posie's heart, "What did you do to yourself?"  As if he KNEW.  But he can't know.  He can't know about the cutting.  That's not ladylike, or perfect, like starving and being skinny.
She must be perfect for him (herself?).


I currently fluctuate between 97 and 100 pounds.  Gross.

i love you, each and every one.

you are all amazing and strong and beautiful.

love, me.

how can i rid myself of the monster under the bed?

...if the monster stopped living under the bed, and started living inside me?

fail = binge = fail = my life = me

New low weight [since I was forced to gain]?  haha, jk!

Binge.

I'm officially going to be accountable to you girls now though, especially this week.

Actual post asap.

slipcutblood

     Slipcutblood accident?  in your dreams.

i messed up, girls.

i still owe you a story.

maybe it'll be about the time that Posie messed up.

lose your mind a second and you're bleeding and you can't hide that

especially when it's your face. 

thank you ayden

for the Award!

I owe you girls a full post on that, asap.

I got a job, sorry to be so missing lately - I'll write up a good long post soon!

I am still a Failure trying.

Love, me.