Isobel?

I just out of the blue checked this blog for the first time in ages.  Isobel, are you back?  Can we get in touch?

Slash if anyone is still following this, comment and let me know?  Thanks loves.

thank you

thank you to TinyRose and Peridot for always [still] being here for me

and it's really kind of funny
and kind of sad
how familiar it is to be in a bathroom
frantically covering my arm with make up to hide still bleeding cuts
and looking at the toilet and wondering if today's a day to purge

and if today's a day to relapse.
i don't know what to do anymore, guys.  i really don't.
i'm falling apart and there's no one to notice or care

he left me
i lost the love of my life

also

if anyone has heard from Isobel, I'd be so grateful to know if she's okay or what.  Thanks.

the long awaited update on posie's life

Well hello there my lovelies.  I'm so pleased that there are still people here, although at the same time I'm sad, because, let's face it.  The pro-ana/anorexia/ED/whateveryoucallthis community is saddening.  Anyway, no time for that rant just now.

What's been happening in my life?  In the broad overview, I'm alive, well, healthy, and mostly happy.

In more detail, I'm at college/university now.  I absolutely love it, and I've made the best friends of my life.  I'm still dating my amazing, wonderful boyfriend of almost two years, and I couldn't be happier with him.  I love him.

My weight has stabilized, finally, at about 115 pounds.  I actually went to college and lost weight and I'm attempting to normalize my relationship with food.  There's a lot of up and downs, which is to be expected, but I'm getting there.  I'm not totally happy with my weight, but I've lately been allowed to start exercising again, which should help.  My boyfriend is also amazing; I had never felt beautiful before him, and without fail, he makes me feel like the most amazing girl in the world.  I've definitely relapsed a few times, but I'm doing well overall, in ED sense of things. The beginning of my first semester at uni was rough; I became pretty depressed and suicidal.  With the grace of God and the help of everyone I know I'm working on that too.

I'm still far from "normal," but then again, who wants to be normal?

Anything you want answered, leave a comment.  I love you guys.

well if it wasn't delightful to hear from some of you!

I'm so glad to know that you all still care, at least a little, haha.
I'm working on my update and will post it asap.

alive, y'all

so i'm alive, y'all
just checking in...  anyone still there?  if i get a comment, i'll post a life update, otherwise i'm done here.

this is me now: http://flowerstricken-sunlight.tumblr.com

it's time to say good bye

It's been real, guys.  I'm going to miss you all so much, but I have to live life in the real world now.  My closest friends here are there now, anyway.  Isobel was my inspiration as always.

It's time to break out of the mirror.  I'm leaving this blog up in case I ever want to post again, but don't expect it.  Don't use me as inspiration.  Use me as a warning.  I was [am] a very sick girl.  But I'm looking up.

"There is, in the end, the letting go."
Marya Hornbacher, Wasted

Love always,
Posie

have fight with boyfriend

skip meals all day
#anorexicproblems

it may be time

to leave blogger behind.

If I was to create a tumblr based around my life and ED and recovery, would those of you with tumblers follow me?  Even just a Y/N comment would be great, thanks!

i refuse

to be triggered by my still sick friends

to listen to the voices that say fatfatfat weakweakweak

I choose to acknowledge that I am strong.

Even when I don't feel it.

Please comment with what you would to see in an update about my life, ED, recovery, etc.

eating today

I ate a normal sized, healthy breakfast (cereal and fruit).

I ate a normal sized, very healthy lunch (turkey/avocado wrap).

I even snacked a little (rice cake).

I will eat a normal size, healthy dinner (turkey burger).

I am 5'3", I am almost 19 years old, and I weigh 115 pounds.  This is a 33 pound weight gain from my lowest and sickest, and a 5 pound loss from my highest and also sickest.  It's not the weight, it's the mindset.

I know for a fact that I can maintain this weight.  Sure, I'd rather maintain lower.  I may hate the way I look, but it's nice to have confidence that I can eat normally and be afraid of magically ballooning out overnight.  It's nice to know that I'll lose weight the healthy way until my body is the best that it can be.

This has been a recovery post brought to you by "Fake it til you make it" Posie.

a note to myself

Darling.  Darling, dearest Posie.

There is nothing left to prove.

No, there is one thing left to prove.  You showed the world that you can do it.  Now show the world that you can not do it.  Step out of the graveyard.  Live.

Please live.  There is so much beauty in this world, too much to give up for a fleeting chance at "perfection."  Perfection is a lie, a myth.  There is no perfect.  You can merely embrace your flaws, be they thighs or scars or a laugh that's too loud when you're full of joy.

These things were never flaws, anyway.  

a novel idea

MAINTENANCE.

My EDbrain doesn't understand it.  But my body can apparently do it.  Even if I'm maintaining at disgusting


I've made the decision to revamp this blog to reflect my recovery over my relapses.  Currently I seem to only post negative stuff, and I want to change that.  As soon as I have my own computer, anyway.  I'll also [finally!] post like a massive update about my life/ED/recovery/etc.

Isobel, maybe you're gone and will never see this, but you've inspired me.  I owe you a lot.  So thank you.

clarification

Judging by the comments on my last post, some people seem to not realize that I have been "in recovery" for almost two years now.

"In recovery" is a very vague term.  I was merely postulating about how difficult it is to unite the two opposing views I hold - ED vs normal.  I was originally forced into "recovery" and have since been on/off about anorexia and wanting to recover.

I struggle a lot.  Every single goddamn day.  I have relapsed pretty severely, I have gained a ton of weight, I have binged, I have starved, I have done it all in the two years.  But honestly, "in recovery" is a silly way of saying it.  I am just me.

cognitive dissonance

"cognitive dissonance"the state of having inconsistent thoughts, beliefs, or attitudes, esp. as relating to behavioural decisions and attitude change

I am in recovery.

It's time to stop lying to myself.  I cannot live in this halfway world.  I cannot claim to be "recovered" and "healthy" when on the inside I know it's a lie.

I have to go all or none.  I have to want it.

The problem is that I don't want it.  I don't want it enough.

I want to be healthy and happy and bright and alive and moving&dancing.

I want to be scaryskinny and bony and dead dying and cold and lightasafeather and "special."

How can two such opposite ideas exist in me at once?

isobel

please

don't leave me here

don't leave me in this hell alone 

please just a last message

i know i'm pathetic sorry

i eat a lot

but it's healthy.

Healthy.

What is that concept.

And why am I so screwed up inside?