So they are going to.
Maybe late for a New Years Resolution (or two or three), but here I go.
I am going to lose weight. Not to be unhealthy. To be happy.
I want to be happy again. To be able to dance, per se. To unfurl my latent wings and fly, again.
I want to be sick, and dying, and 82 pounds again. I cannot lie to myself, I do. But I "recovered," not for myself, but for the people around me, and it was always a lie. I want it to be true now. Because I want to be sick, but not as much as I want to be alive.
I am going to do it the almost healthy way. Restricting, because I don't see how else I can be happy, but still losing weight. Exercise. Good, healthy food.
For today: I have thus far eaten an egg, an apple, 2 spoonfuls of reduced fat PB. I know I will be made to eat dinner. I have ran for 15 minutes (getting there, slowly but surely!) and will do abs and stuff later.
For tomorrow, I will do better.
Always improving.
Who wants to join me?
I'm all for improving.
ReplyDeleteI'm trying so fucking hard to find the middle ground between the urges to overeat and the urges to starve. It never seems to work for me. FUCK MY BRAIN.
Try to find the happy spot where you look and feel amazing but aren't sick and falling over everywhere. If dysmorphia has broken your eye-brain-reality connection you may have to rely on others for the input. Don't get sucked back into the smaller-smaller-smaller spiral, coz we're never small enough while alive to satisfy the monsters inside.
Lots and lots of love to you <3
POSIE. posie you know I love you riiiiight?! Well, let's fucking do this! I know you can do it, and I think I can, but I'm going my hardest to make it so.
ReplyDeleteI'm not happy you want to get to 82, I think that's just too tiny and too ill. (Mother Bear here) but how about you go for the 90s? That's not as dangerous?
I LOVE YOU Xxxx
and it is so not too late for resolutions ;)