a Failure

You've called me an inspiration.  Strong.  Thin.  Beautiful.  So many things.

Girls, you were wrong.

I am weak.  A Failure.  A girl who is a Failure is not thin and beautiful, she is fat and repulsive.

I am that girl [today, at least].

But tomorrow I will be strong.

Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.

It's temporary pleasure, forever guilt, and I must remember that.

Tomorrow.  I will be Strong again.

where do you turn

when everything you see is broken?

slipping again

...into old habits.

Last fall habits.

restrictthinkthinskinnystarve habits.  ribsnhipsncollarbones habits.  habits that i need want? i don't know anything anymore oh God help me can I do this again yes I can I MUST I will be thinthinthin and float away on air like a soap bubble, delicate as can be David will be heartbroken screw him, we'll be THIN can i do this? yesyesyes maybe no? yes.  remember.  nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.  

I was handed a spoonful of Nutella today.

I smiled, graciously thanked my father, stuck it in my mouth til he turned around and left the room.

Spat it out.

When did I become so strong?

And why isn't it losing me any weight?

Still stuck at 97.

winning

as Charlie Sheen would say.

Scored super well on my SAT IIs.

Guess eating breakfast and getting fat feeding my brain paid off somehow.

beautiful

you are all beautiful

summer

basically means I'm home, being forced to eat.

I am disgusting.  I need to get a life, to get perfect before I can visit the boy at his beach job.

Yes, girls, I managed to get a boyfriend with a beach job.  Looking like this.  Um, ew.

Things need to change.

Still 97/98, but it has to go down.

we stopped looking for monsters under our beds...

...when we realized they were inside us.

e.e. cummings

unbeing dead isn't being alive

DSM-V anorexia nervosa

http://www.dsm5.org/ProposedRevisions/Pages/proposedrevision.aspx?rid=24#

I can officially be diagnosed as an anoretic again, now that they've changed it so you don't have to have amenorrhea.

(Because I've gained such a sickening amount of weight since the fall, I've gotten my period back.)

Horray?

What do you girls think of the new DSM-V?  I hated DSM-IV but these ED requirements seem more reasonable.

and they make me eat

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and they make me eat

and i want 9695949392919089888786858483828180

and it never, ever, stops. 

 

zombies

in honor of you

my 76

HOLY COW

76!

followers!

I say this:

you are all beautiful.  Each and every one of you, and I pray someday you will see it as I do.

You. Are. Beautiful.

Leave a comment and I'll follow you if I'm not already!

<3

nothing much to say

It seems that no matter what I eat or don't eat, run or don't run, I don't lose.  I gain a few pounds, lose a few pounds.

endless
cycle


cycle...


cycle...

I need to break it.  I don't know how.  I have a few weeks of school left.  Maybe come summer.

Tips?