love, hugs, and kisses. and bikinis.

Roight.

Big post coming, READY!?

First of all.  I'm at 101, dammit.  But this will come off by FRIDAY, OR I WILL CUT IT OFF I SWEAR.

Ahem.

So, I went to the beach with Boyfriend today.  And wore a bikini (with skulls on it - thought that was appropriate haha).  And he told me (repeatedly) how beautiful/hot/sexy/gorgeous/etc. I am.  And kissed me as he held me in the ocean (rather painfully romantic, non?), and told me again...  SO WHY CAN'T I BELIEVE HIM?  It was...  disastrous, but he doesn't know that, because it was only disastrous in my freakin' screwed up mind.  At least HE had a good time...  (and alright, my hormones sure enjoyed it, but my BRAIN?  'Nother story.)

I KNOW, like I understand, that I have a smokin' hot body, because dammit after 3-4 hours of exercise a DAY and a diet that basically consists of starvation and fruit/veggies, it better be bangin', but I can't see it.  I look in the mirror and see a fat whale and I think, a few more pounds.  A few more pounds.  A few more pounds lost and I'll be light enough to float away to the quiet of the sky...  So, new goal.  At 98, I will overcome my fear of pictures and post one of me, for you all to see.  (Btw 11 followers!  Thanks!)

But what I want to know is what kind of fucked up brain sits in my head, when a 5'3" girl weighing 101 lbs and running 7+ miles a day plus 1-2 MORE hours of exercise sees herself as a disgusting FAT ASS.

BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT I AM, duh.  At least, that's what I see looking back at me in the mirror.

It's SICK how much my life revolves around mirrors and scales.  Sick.

Plus, he noticed my arms.  Dammmmmn.  I passed it off as running into a thorn bush at practice, but he's suspicious.

PBBBBBTTHHHHH, is what I say.  Mental brain fart.

Today - very good calorie wise.  About 600, methinks.  Ran 6 miles at practice varsity time plus sprints and some swimming, and after I post this I'm off to do some weights and abs for about 40 minutes, and biking or walking after that if my poor tired legs are up to it.

Coach had a nutritionist come tell us what to eat and when and all that stuff - I just laughed to myself.  I know more about this kind of thing than he did!  Maybe a viable, if ironic, career goal?  Hmm.

Now, about my last post.  Guys, you made my day a thousand times over, and I'm sending you love and hugs through the internet.  Your comments were the BEST.  I shall reply!

Peri:  Nope, nothing terribly exciting - oral surgery for my gums haha :)

Believe&&Lose:  Aww, girl :(  *sends a huge hug*  I'm so sorry about the family stuff; that really stinks.  Try to think of it as motivation!  My mother is hyper-alert to everything I eat and how much I exercise and whatnot - it's a daily struggle to hide my psychosis, but worth it.  I think.  But anyway, your long comment MADE MY DAY and totally inspired me!  Feel amazing about yourself for that!  :D  You say your sis is always trying to one-up you?  I have the same issue with my cousin - she's a better anoretic than me, if there is such a thing :P  We're best friends and worst rivals at the same time!  I do cross stuff off lists all the time, it's really therapeutic to know you've accomplished something.  Thinspiration is always a great way to pass the not-eating time!  Yes, I've had duck meat!  (And I personally hate sushi, idk why...)  I don't recommend it, it's pretty much stringy chicken.  Very odd.  Thank you so much for saying my HW is lucky!  I'm really naturally a tiny person, I just want to be TINIER, and 112 was like...  unnatural.  Disgusting, imo.  My doctor firmly told me at 112 to not lose a pound, gain if I could - DON'T MAKE ME LAUGH haha I'm down 11-12 pounds and (hopefully!) counting :)  Next physical in February will be br00tal.  I'll be murdered.  Whatever, worry about it when the times comes...  And don't think of it as you've ONLY lost 7 pounds, think of it as 7 pounds closer to thin!  You can do ANYTHING you put your mind too.  And trust me, I know how much it sucks to be bigger than your bf.  Mine is really tall but insanely skinny muscular as well, it's depressing =/  At least he can pick me up no problem!  If not, I'd die :P  And I WANTED to reply to your wonderful comment!  It did help, so much :)  I have read Wintergirls, it's one of my all time faves; I've read it like 15 times.  My favorite quote is actually at the bottom of the blog and I wrote a post about it, check it here or on the literature page:
http://ashes-and-ashes.blogspot.com/2010/08/wintergirls.html
Anyway, replying to this gave me something to do as well!  Thank you ever so much again; you truly made my day <3  Love you!

Love to EVERYONE!  We can do this!  Think thin!

Posie <3

distracting myself

So, I am TOTALLY stealing Peri's idea here, thanks girl!  Anything to keep my mind off the food.  Crossing off the ones I've done - please, please leave comments so I a) have something else to do and b) can tell any stories about these haha :)

1. Had A Threesome
2. Been drunk.
3. Touched a real gun.
4. Done drugs
5. Wrote on a bathroom stall.
6. Took “naughty” pictures of myself.
7. Had sex
8. Got into a fist fight.
9. Used Twitter.
10. Listened to Lady Gaga.
11. Been in a car accident.
12. Gotten suspended.
13. Gotten expelled.
14. Got a computer virus.
15. Had a hand-written diary.
16. Been allergic to something.
17. Had a dog.
18. Had a cat.
19. Been pregnant
20. Had a pregnancy scare.
21. Had unprotected sex.
22. Camped out.
23. Swam in the ocean.
24. Wore a bikini.
25. Met someone online in person.
26. Made a survey.
27. Used ICQ.
28. Failed a class for the year.
29. Repeated a grade.
30. Went to summer school. 
31. Got straight As
32. Got As and Bs
33. Learned to speak another language fluently.
34. Read an entire book.
35. Recorded my own music.
36. Had an Xbox.
37. Listened to Rammstein.
38. Wore fishnets.
39. Bought skinny jeans.
40. Been in love.
41. Hated someone.
42. Been cheated on.
43. Cheated on someone.
44. Had a significant other.
45. Did something sexual with someone of the same sex. 
46. Practiced Christianity.
47. Worn makeup.
48. Had a cavity.
49. Had surgery.
50. Had my license.
51. Been to college.
52. Graduated high school.
53. Attempted suicide. 
54. Worn colored contacts.
55. Painted my nails black.
56. Broken someone’s heart.
57. Had my heart broken.
58. Cried for an hour straight.
59. Lost something very valuable.
60. Had sex in a car.
61. Got separated from my parents as a kid.
62. Broken a bone.
63. Gotten stung by a bee.
64. Eaten something bad/expired.
65. Threw up from being so drunk.
66. Had to put a pet to sleep.
67. Participated in a swinger’s party.
68. Owned an iPod.
69. Owned an iPhone.
70. Fell for a best friend.
71. Stole a friend’s significant other.
72. Had a serious disease.
73. Gone away from home for more than a week.
74. Moved out.
75. Ran away.
76. Teased my brother/sister.
77. Gotten into a verbal fight.
78. Been to the hospital.
79. Had food poisoning.
80. Had a job.
81. Been fired.
82. Lied to a friend.
83. Lied to a family member.
84. Lied to a significant other.
85. Posted a video on YouTube.
86. Started a rumour about someone.
87. Deliberately failed a test.
88. Dropped out of school.
89. Gotten my “private parts” pierced.
90. Been skinny dipping.
91. Counted to a million.
92. Counted to a thousand.
93. Ate deer meat.
94. Ate duck meat.
95. Had fast food.
96. Been to church.
97. Been to a synagogue.
98. Been married.
99. Had a divorce


Whew, that was fun.  Back to skulking around the internet and listening to my stomach growl - school starts Friday and I WILL BE DOUBLE DIGITS.


Love you all.

bleeding where they can't see

I hate weekends.

hate em hate em hate em hate em hate em

I don't even know how much I weigh but I feel like a WHALE so enormous and gross and disgusting.

I hate myself.

I just want to rip these fucking demons OUT OF MY HEAD so I can have quiet.

I just want quiet.

I just want silence and self-control and strength.  I just want to be thin and steel-ribbed with power behind my eyes and a skip in my step because I'm so light I could float on air.  I want to cry all the tears out and cut all the fat off and shine, thin thin thin thin thin thin......

Help me.  Oh God, help me before I go stark raving loony-bin MAD.

The Orange

THE ORANGE

by Wendy Cope

At lunchtime I bought a huge orange--
The size of it made us all laugh.
I peeled it and shared it with Robert and Dave--
They got quarters and I had a half.

And that orange, it made me so happy,
As ordinary things often do
Just lately. The shopping. A walk in the park.
This is peace and contentment. It's new.

The rest of the day was quite easy.
I did all the jobs on my list
And enjoyed them and had some time left over.
I love you. I'm glad I exist. 

weight goal numero uno: CHECK

I AM 100 POUNDS.

Lemme say it again.

I WEIGH
100
POUNDS.
BMI 17.7

Which means:  only 1 pound to double digits and 2 to GW2.

I am on a HIGH right here.  I was so strong last night, and life is going so well.  Boyfriend wants to take me to the beach and I might even say yes (BIKINIS OMG) because I'm feeling so good.

You girls are all an INSPIRATION to me and thank you soooo much for your comments; they always make my day <3  Peri especially - girl, you never fail to make me smile :)

I love you all!  Stay strong and think thin and you too can achieve your dreams!

Love,
Posie

hunger

Apparently, anything under 900 cal. a day is considered a starvation diet.

SO THAT'S WHY I FEEL LIKE I COULD GNAW MY OWN FINGERS OFF.

Dammit.

And there's gonna be cake tonight.

Buggggger.

and in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make

Gotta love the Beatles.

Nothing to do with this post, but anyhow...

I AM 101 POUNDS.
BMI 17.9
HECK YEAH!

Things is lookin' up.  I'm at 100 calories so far today not counting in the ones I burned at a mad-intense XC practice.  (Put it this way:  If I'd eaten anything beforehand, I would've puked.)  Yesterday I was at about 500ish calories for the day - went to a party!  With JUNK FOOD!  And didn't binge!  Actually, didn't eat ANYTHING!  Things are SO looking up.
Now if I can keep this up over today and tomorrow (another family party x_x) I'll be golden.  School starts Sept. 3 and I want to look amazing (read: skinny).

Thank you for the encouragement, beauties!

PS:  New blog look, w00t.  Summer's winding down here so I figured a change was in order.