Dammit, why do I do this to myself? Honestly?
Without scales I have nothing to keep me accountable. I hate this I hate me I have way too much hate in my life.
I need to stop cutting. I need a hug and a good cry and some SLEEP :[
It was not a good Monday.
Monday, November 8, 2010
survey
A question for you girls - I appreciate every comment and every answer here, thanks.
What would you be doing in my position? Having read my blog and learned about my life... what would you do if you were Posie?
Hope you all had a lovely day <3
What would you be doing in my position? Having read my blog and learned about my life... what would you do if you were Posie?
Hope you all had a lovely day <3
Sunday, November 7, 2010
explanations and returns
Well now. Here's a brain-vomit post for you lovely ladies.
First of all, Anonymous's comment on my last post made me cry. Thanks, bitch. If that's what you think, take a look at that sidebar there. Yeah, wannarexics usually weigh as much as middle schoolers when they're 17. BITCH. Here's to proving you WRONG.
Second, obviously I'm as much of a failure at health as I am at other stuff :/
Physically, my body feels great (if bloated and distended and FAT) from all the food my mother's been shoving down my throat.
Mentally, I'm a WRECK. A complete loony-bin-falling-apart wreck.
She did some research on EDs and realized that I, wow, have a problem! And that 90 is not a healthy weight! And then
(yeah, girls. She went there.)
She took the scales.
I snapped.
Screw her, screw health.
I have no idea how much I weigh, and it's terrifying. As soon as I'm home alone, I'm going to tear the house apart trying to find them.
For now, I'm taking each day as it comes. She forces me to eat, whatever. The less fuss I put up, the more she'll trust me, etc. etc. All that nonsense. I'm just gonna do my best to never gain weight.
Ever again.
Take that, world.
Posie's back.
How are all of you? I don't have time to catch up on blogs really, but I missed you girls like mad.
First of all, Anonymous's comment on my last post made me cry. Thanks, bitch. If that's what you think, take a look at that sidebar there. Yeah, wannarexics usually weigh as much as middle schoolers when they're 17. BITCH. Here's to proving you WRONG.
Second, obviously I'm as much of a failure at health as I am at other stuff :/
Physically, my body feels great (if bloated and distended and FAT) from all the food my mother's been shoving down my throat.
Mentally, I'm a WRECK. A complete loony-bin-falling-apart wreck.
She did some research on EDs and realized that I, wow, have a problem! And that 90 is not a healthy weight! And then
(yeah, girls. She went there.)
She took the scales.
I snapped.
Screw her, screw health.
I have no idea how much I weigh, and it's terrifying. As soon as I'm home alone, I'm going to tear the house apart trying to find them.
For now, I'm taking each day as it comes. She forces me to eat, whatever. The less fuss I put up, the more she'll trust me, etc. etc. All that nonsense. I'm just gonna do my best to never gain weight.
Ever again.
Take that, world.
Posie's back.
How are all of you? I don't have time to catch up on blogs really, but I missed you girls like mad.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
unknowns
I don't know what this means for me, or anyone. My GW for Thanksgiving was anything in the 80s...
But my mom made me get on the scale in front of her.
It said 82 pounds.
And I broke down. We cried together and I told her everything, literally everything. How much I hate myself, the guilt, the fear, the starving, the cold, the guilt, the hunger, the guiltguiltguilt every time I eat.
She's going to try to help me.
I'm going to get better.
Or at least... I'm going to try for my definition of better. Which is basically happy and still skinny, without a complete paralyzing fear of food/social engagements that involve food/etc.
She says she only wants me to get out of the 80s. So once the scale says 90 (BMI 15.9), if I haven't gone insane, I'll maintain. Until something snaps or I get really better or what.
(She doesn't know I rigged the scale so it says a pound heavier than I actually am. So at 90, I'll actually be 89, and I can keep that knowledge inside if I need to.)
I love you all, more than I can say. I'm not going to stop blogging, but I probably won't have as much to say.
Memento mori - remember you must die.
So live every day like it's your last.
I just want to be happy. Pray for me, please.
A million pounds of love,
Posie
But my mom made me get on the scale in front of her.
It said 82 pounds.
And I broke down. We cried together and I told her everything, literally everything. How much I hate myself, the guilt, the fear, the starving, the cold, the guilt, the hunger, the guiltguiltguilt every time I eat.
She's going to try to help me.
I'm going to get better.
Or at least... I'm going to try for my definition of better. Which is basically happy and still skinny, without a complete paralyzing fear of food/social engagements that involve food/etc.
She says she only wants me to get out of the 80s. So once the scale says 90 (BMI 15.9), if I haven't gone insane, I'll maintain. Until something snaps or I get really better or what.
(She doesn't know I rigged the scale so it says a pound heavier than I actually am. So at 90, I'll actually be 89, and I can keep that knowledge inside if I need to.)
I love you all, more than I can say. I'm not going to stop blogging, but I probably won't have as much to say.
Memento mori - remember you must die.
So live every day like it's your last.
I just want to be happy. Pray for me, please.
A million pounds of love,
Posie
30
It's official... I've lost 30 pounds since I was told to not lose any.
112 pounds to 82 pounds this morning.
Yup.
Although we have a long weekend this week :/ So I doubt I'll be able to maintain 82... as long as I don't gain TOO much :P
alskdfajsdk;fajdls;faj;slurlskdjfa;sldkfja;lskd. Head on keyboard. I just want to be normal... but I don't think I can be.
How are all of you?
112 pounds to 82 pounds this morning.
Yup.
Although we have a long weekend this week :/ So I doubt I'll be able to maintain 82... as long as I don't gain TOO much :P
alskdfajsdk;fajdls;faj;slurlskdjfa;sldkfja;lskd. Head on keyboard. I just want to be normal... but I don't think I can be.
How are all of you?
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
flowers
My daddy bought me flowers today <3
Just 'cause he loves me.
I have nothing more to say. I hope you all smiled today as much as I did.
Just 'cause he loves me.
I have nothing more to say. I hope you all smiled today as much as I did.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Happy NaNoWriMo!
Happy November!
Anyone doing NaNoWriMo, just out of curiosity? It's on my bucket list, but not this year, because add that to my life and I think my brain would spontaneously combust haha :P
83 still this morning, and I even indulged yesterday!
Halloween ended up to be:
cereal for breakfast (~50, give or take)
celery with almond butter for lunch (~120, give or take)
lettuce and spaghetti with red sauce and TWO, yes TWO! meatballs for dinner (~650, give or take)
one mini 100 Grand bar (93)
one mini Three Musketeers bar (63)
one mini package M&Ms (166)
total = ~1200 calories, give or take
Whew! It felt like SOOOO much food oh my goodnesss (but so good, ahhhh those meatballs...), thank goodness I probably didn't go too much over my BMR.
So, Isobel :] I did eat some sweets! And they were godly. And I didn't beat myself up too much. Takin' life as it comes. Thanks love, your comments ALWAYS make my day!
Today I won't have time to exercise because of studying :( But I'll just try to maintain, no gains. It'll be ok.
November. New month.
I resolve to smile more.
What do you resolve?
Smiles,
Posie
PS: Yup, that's a haiku :)
Anyone doing NaNoWriMo, just out of curiosity? It's on my bucket list, but not this year, because add that to my life and I think my brain would spontaneously combust haha :P
83 still this morning, and I even indulged yesterday!
Halloween ended up to be:
cereal for breakfast (~50, give or take)
celery with almond butter for lunch (~120, give or take)
lettuce and spaghetti with red sauce and TWO, yes TWO! meatballs for dinner (~650, give or take)
one mini 100 Grand bar (93)
one mini Three Musketeers bar (63)
one mini package M&Ms (166)
total = ~1200 calories, give or take
Whew! It felt like SOOOO much food oh my goodnesss (but so good, ahhhh those meatballs...), thank goodness I probably didn't go too much over my BMR.
So, Isobel :] I did eat some sweets! And they were godly. And I didn't beat myself up too much. Takin' life as it comes. Thanks love, your comments ALWAYS make my day!
Today I won't have time to exercise because of studying :( But I'll just try to maintain, no gains. It'll be ok.
November. New month.
I resolve to smile more.
What do you resolve?
Smiles,
Posie
PS: Yup, that's a haiku :)
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