I lack it.
I did AMAZING last night, and I've completely screwed up today already. Dammit. *sobsigh*
I was 89 this morning. I won't be tomorrow morning.
I'm trying to think of it as healthy for my body, make my running better, I've got til Thanksgiving to be solidly in the 80s, boost my metabolism... but oh God, the voices in my head are SHRIEKING at me, Posie the fattyfatfat stupid hungry spineless pig WHALE.
I will not let them in.
I MUST not let them win.
But they will. I'm starting to think it's inevitable.
Love <3
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Saturday, October 9, 2010
update and can't think of a clever title
Hello lovelies! Finally I think I have time to catch up. Life is soooo crazy busy >.<
First things first: This morning, I weighed 90 pounds. BMI 15.9. Remember how happy I was to hit double digits? Now I'm psyched for the 80s...
This week was AWESOME, I barely ate anything because I was hardly ever home; most days I was in the negative range for calories and without being home, Mum couldn't get on my case!
However... it's my little brother's birthday today. Frick. Dinner tonight will be his favorite food... mac and cheese. The homemade kind with like 14 zillion tons of butter and pasta and of course, CHEESE. Just, please, kill me now - I can't leave and miss his birthday, or not eat it - he'd be so upset, and honestly, I love the kid like you wouldn't even believe. He's the only one who can ALWAYS cheer me up; I love him to death.
And we're having ANOTHER party for him/family gathering tomorrow. So, when my next post is absolutely freaking out, that's why. It's also extremely hard to get out of eating during the day on weekends for me, 'cause Mom is still watching me so closely, and without school...
I've already had yogurt (100) and a couple cheerios (25ish) =/ I plan on running and biking later, hopefully will have the time and the energy and then the strength to resist binging on mac and cheese and other stuff this weekend :( AND it's a LONG weekend. GAH.
But: I'm really trying to have a more positive attitude. Any eating I do this weekend I'm going to try to think of as helpful to my body, because my running is going WAY downhill and Coach is starting to ask questions. I know I'll end up having a panic attack anyway, but I can hope...
So, on to other things. Mum is still watching me very closely when she can, and my cousin that I've probably mentioned is being watched too =/ It's nice that people notice/comment on how skinny I am, but I just want them to screw off about my eating. You know?
A thousand million thanks to all my loyal followers and especially y'all who comment - I have no words for how much it means to me <3 It's so wonderful not to be alone. Every comment is like a smile for me, and heaven knows I need smiles haha :P
Some replies for you:
BellaAna: Thanks for asking for some of my awesomeness! That was a huge smile for me because YOU are one of MY biggest thinspirations <3
pixiestix: Is this post long enough? ;) Thanks for all the wonderful comments; I love your blog!
lovelybones: Thank you <3 this long enough? :] Your comments always always cheer me up.
Britni: Thank you too! I'm loving the gorgeous weather. Hope you're doing well <3
And now a super special note to Isobel: Girl, I love you more than I can say. It means the world to me that a total stranger would care enough to worry about another total stranger. Whenever I get upset, I've actually started to think of you and try to be alright... You're the best. You'll always, always look like Natalie Portman in my head <3 And you're right; I AM tiny... and I just don't see it. I'm kind of in a mad rush to get as small (read: sick :P) as I can before the doctor finds out, which will be eventually... I just can't stomach (haha, stomach) the thought of NOT losing any more weight. I NEED weight loss. I'm not denying for a moment that I have a disease and that I'm sick in the head and crazy... I'm just not at the point where I can stop that. I'd go truly insane.
Your last post, I kid you not, made me cry. It's only been a few days and I miss your wonderful self coming up in my reading list like CRAZY.
You are not by any stretch of the imagination a fat loser. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL and I pray that you can see that. Your "just living" is my dream living, remember that. I respect you so, so much, and I hope that you can come back soon - even if you aren't losing any weight, I still want to hear from you, ok? Read every single comment on your last post and know that EVERY SINGLE ONE IS TRUE. We all love you and support you NO MATTER WHAT. I love you to the moon and back and God bless <3
Whew, that was long. That's all I've got for today - I'm sending everyone love and hugs and thin wishes. Think thin, stay strong, and smile because you're alive,
Love,
Posie
PS: Here's a story to make you sob... (I did...)
My little brother just walked into the room and sat down next to me (I switched screens to a paper I'm writing). I asked him what's up. He mumbled something about nothing much... So I went back to typing my paper.
Then he blurts out, "Are you gonna eat my mac and cheese tonight?"
"Of course, li'l bro, why wouldn't I?" (Thinking that I wish to heck I didn't HAVE to...)
"I was just worried that you wouldn't, 'cause, you know... it's fattening and stuff... and you don't really eat enough food anymore and you're so skinny and it's not good..."
No joke, I burst into tears. I love that boy more than I can everever say.
First things first: This morning, I weighed 90 pounds. BMI 15.9. Remember how happy I was to hit double digits? Now I'm psyched for the 80s...
This week was AWESOME, I barely ate anything because I was hardly ever home; most days I was in the negative range for calories and without being home, Mum couldn't get on my case!
However... it's my little brother's birthday today. Frick. Dinner tonight will be his favorite food... mac and cheese. The homemade kind with like 14 zillion tons of butter and pasta and of course, CHEESE. Just, please, kill me now - I can't leave and miss his birthday, or not eat it - he'd be so upset, and honestly, I love the kid like you wouldn't even believe. He's the only one who can ALWAYS cheer me up; I love him to death.
And we're having ANOTHER party for him/family gathering tomorrow. So, when my next post is absolutely freaking out, that's why. It's also extremely hard to get out of eating during the day on weekends for me, 'cause Mom is still watching me so closely, and without school...
I've already had yogurt (100) and a couple cheerios (25ish) =/ I plan on running and biking later, hopefully will have the time and the energy and then the strength to resist binging on mac and cheese and other stuff this weekend :( AND it's a LONG weekend. GAH.
But: I'm really trying to have a more positive attitude. Any eating I do this weekend I'm going to try to think of as helpful to my body, because my running is going WAY downhill and Coach is starting to ask questions. I know I'll end up having a panic attack anyway, but I can hope...
So, on to other things. Mum is still watching me very closely when she can, and my cousin that I've probably mentioned is being watched too =/ It's nice that people notice/comment on how skinny I am, but I just want them to screw off about my eating. You know?
A thousand million thanks to all my loyal followers and especially y'all who comment - I have no words for how much it means to me <3 It's so wonderful not to be alone. Every comment is like a smile for me, and heaven knows I need smiles haha :P
Some replies for you:
BellaAna: Thanks for asking for some of my awesomeness! That was a huge smile for me because YOU are one of MY biggest thinspirations <3
pixiestix: Is this post long enough? ;) Thanks for all the wonderful comments; I love your blog!
lovelybones: Thank you <3 this long enough? :] Your comments always always cheer me up.
Britni: Thank you too! I'm loving the gorgeous weather. Hope you're doing well <3
And now a super special note to Isobel: Girl, I love you more than I can say. It means the world to me that a total stranger would care enough to worry about another total stranger. Whenever I get upset, I've actually started to think of you and try to be alright... You're the best. You'll always, always look like Natalie Portman in my head <3 And you're right; I AM tiny... and I just don't see it. I'm kind of in a mad rush to get as small (read: sick :P) as I can before the doctor finds out, which will be eventually... I just can't stomach (haha, stomach) the thought of NOT losing any more weight. I NEED weight loss. I'm not denying for a moment that I have a disease and that I'm sick in the head and crazy... I'm just not at the point where I can stop that. I'd go truly insane.
Your last post, I kid you not, made me cry. It's only been a few days and I miss your wonderful self coming up in my reading list like CRAZY.
You are not by any stretch of the imagination a fat loser. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL and I pray that you can see that. Your "just living" is my dream living, remember that. I respect you so, so much, and I hope that you can come back soon - even if you aren't losing any weight, I still want to hear from you, ok? Read every single comment on your last post and know that EVERY SINGLE ONE IS TRUE. We all love you and support you NO MATTER WHAT. I love you to the moon and back and God bless <3
Whew, that was long. That's all I've got for today - I'm sending everyone love and hugs and thin wishes. Think thin, stay strong, and smile because you're alive,
Love,
Posie
PS: Here's a story to make you sob... (I did...)
My little brother just walked into the room and sat down next to me (I switched screens to a paper I'm writing). I asked him what's up. He mumbled something about nothing much... So I went back to typing my paper.
Then he blurts out, "Are you gonna eat my mac and cheese tonight?"
"Of course, li'l bro, why wouldn't I?" (Thinking that I wish to heck I didn't HAVE to...)
"I was just worried that you wouldn't, 'cause, you know... it's fattening and stuff... and you don't really eat enough food anymore and you're so skinny and it's not good..."
No joke, I burst into tears. I love that boy more than I can everever say.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
sun
After WEEKS of rain here where I live, the SUN finally came out! It was the perfect touch to a mostly very good day. (And so nice to not be damp and miserable - the weather never fails to affect my mood.)
I'm at about 92.5 pounds! Probably ate too much potato soup today to have lost any for tomorrow though :P It was just soooo good... good gracious. I'm so weak lately :( My body is revolting - I'll space out and suddenly I'm EATING! AGAIN! >.< Just have to be stronger. I can do this.
Soooo busybusybusy. After the weekend, Mum has backed off a bit, thank goodness.
Still lovin' y'all, still owing you a longer post. This long weekend - bless Columbus and his holiday!
I'm at about 92.5 pounds! Probably ate too much potato soup today to have lost any for tomorrow though :P It was just soooo good... good gracious. I'm so weak lately :( My body is revolting - I'll space out and suddenly I'm EATING! AGAIN! >.< Just have to be stronger. I can do this.
Soooo busybusybusy. After the weekend, Mum has backed off a bit, thank goodness.
Still lovin' y'all, still owing you a longer post. This long weekend - bless Columbus and his holiday!
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
looking up
Hopefully, things are looking up. It's always darkest before the dawn.
I'm insanely busy again, I owe you girls a long post and catch up on your blogs <3 I'm reading but not commenting much, sorry!
I'm at 93 pounds now... I've decided that I want to be under 90 by Thanksgiving. I know it's a long time for such a small goal, but yeah...
Love y'all.
I'm insanely busy again, I owe you girls a long post and catch up on your blogs <3 I'm reading but not commenting much, sorry!
I'm at 93 pounds now... I've decided that I want to be under 90 by Thanksgiving. I know it's a long time for such a small goal, but yeah...
Love y'all.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
i can't even think straight enough to make a title
I have no idea where to begin, so this is just going to be a rant in no particular order.
Mom found out I weighed 93. I insisted that night that it's xc/school/stress/etc. Friday morning I weigh 92, but she doesn't find that out. Parents force a normal (aka HUGE) dinner on me Friday night. I feel like such shit cause of that I kind of FREAK OUT and eat like a normal person (which is completely binging for me) all Saturday and so far all today and I haven't even exercised AT ALL DAMMIT. I can't seem to stop. I don't know what's going on. My body is revolting against all thispoison food but I CAN'T FUCKING STOP and I'm also (tmi here) sooo stopped up that I don't know how much I weigh and it's killing me and I don't know what to do, I'm shaking and crying and eating and not-puking but I tried, I failed myself and tried to purge but I couldn't and I don't know why and
dear
God
I
am
going
insane.
Mom found out I weighed 93. I insisted that night that it's xc/school/stress/etc. Friday morning I weigh 92, but she doesn't find that out. Parents force a normal (aka HUGE) dinner on me Friday night. I feel like such shit cause of that I kind of FREAK OUT and eat like a normal person (which is completely binging for me) all Saturday and so far all today and I haven't even exercised AT ALL DAMMIT. I can't seem to stop. I don't know what's going on. My body is revolting against all this
dear
God
I
am
going
insane.
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